I took a deep breath.

  In… and out…

  I needed to stay calm.

  Because this? This was a disaster.

  Not just a normal disaster.

  No, this was like being in a Dungeons & Dragons game where everyone but me was a first-time pyer, and they’d all min-maxed in the dumbest way possible.

  I was surrounded by crit failures waiting to happen.

  I sighed, rolling my shoulders before snapping my fingers and pointing at Vix.

  “Alright, you. Mage. How’s that working out for you?”

  Vix yawned and stretched her arms over her head. “Meh. Could be better. Could be worse.”

  I squinted. “I don’t know what that means.”

  Vix zily waved her hand in the air. “It means I can pew-pew fireballs.”

  “That’s not an answer.”

  Elise snorted. “I mean, it kinda is.”

  Vix nodded. “Exactly.”

  I ran a hand down my face. “Okay. How many ‘pew-pews’ are we talking?”

  Vix shrugged. “Like, two? Maybe three? Then I’m done.”

  I froze.

  Then blinked.

  “That’s it?”

  She nodded.

  I looked at Elise.

  Elise shrugged.

  I sighed. “You know, I really thought ‘mage’ meant ‘magic-user,’ but apparently, I was mistaken.”

  Vix yawned again. “I mean, I do use magic. Just not for very long.”

  I clenched my fists and turned to Rowan.

  “Alright, Mr. Loom and Doom. What about you?”

  Rowan grinned, spinning a dagger between his fingers like a pro—

  Or at least he tried to.

  Because a second ter, the dagger slipped right out of his hand, spinning through the air before nding point-down in the dirt right in front of my foot.

  We both stared at it.

  Then I slowly looked back up at him.

  “Was that on purpose?”

  Rowan scratched the back of his head. “Would you be mad or happy if I said yes?”

  “Mad.”

  “Oh. Good. Because that wasn’t supposed to happen.”

  I sighed. “Okay, forget the fshy moves. What can you actually do?”

  Rowan smirked. “I’m pretty good at stabbing things.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “Like… in battle? Stealth kills? What?”

  Rowan waggled his hand. “Just, you know… if no one’s paying attention, I can stab them real good.”

  I narrowed my eyes. “So, you can go stealth?”

  Rowan shook his head. “Oh, no. No stealth.”

  I blinked.

  “…Excuse me?”

  “I can only stab people if they aren’t paying attention to me,” Rowan crified.

  I turned to Elise.

  “We’re sooooo fucked.”

  Elise patted me on the back. “No, we’re not. You have that deadly spray.”

  I clicked my tongue. “Right… I have that.”

  I turned to Vix and Rowan. “But what about them? I’m not about to carry this whole party on my back.”

  Elise tilted her head. “Why not?”

  I froze.

  “…What?”

  Elise grinned. “You’re the one with the magic skill, right? You’ll figure something out.”

  Rowan smirked. “Yeah, sounds good to me.”

  Vix gave me a zy thumbs-up. “Same. Go, team.”

  I groaned into my hands.

  This was a nightmare.

  Like, an actual nightmare.

  This wasn’t a party.

  This was a joke.

  And I was the punchline.

  I took a deep breath and tried to rationalize my situation.

  "Okay," I said, forcing a smile. "We can work with this."

  Vix stretched and yawned. "Sounds like coping."

  "It is."

  Rowan twirled his second dagger in his hands, somehow managing not to lose it this time. "Hey, I’m pretty good at stabbing, y’know. Just gotta wait for the right moment."

  "Right moment?" I repeated. "You mean the moment when something forgets you exist?"

  Rowan snapped his fingers at me and grinned. "Exactly!"

  "...I hate it here."

  Elise snorted.

  "Alright, alright." I cpped my hands together. "Let’s focus on the mission. We need to find a Queen Web Lurker, kill it, and rip out its heart."

  Vix grimaced. "Ew. That sounds disgusting."

  "Yeah, well, welcome to the fantasy world, Fireball Barbie."

  She narrowed her eyes. "Did you just call me—"

  "Moving on." I waved her off. "How do we even track these things? Like, do they have a nest or something?"

  Elise nodded. "They do. The problem is getting close to one."

  "Why?" I asked. "Do they have guards or something?"

  Rowan smirked. "Oh no. It’s way worse than that."

  Vix shuddered. "Eggs."

  I blinked.

  "Eggs?"

  Elise nodded. "Yeah. The queen doesn’t travel alone. She’s always surrounded by her young."

  Rowan leaned in. "And by young, she means hundreds."

  I froze.

  Hundreds?

  Hundreds of acid-spitting, wall-climbing, face-eating baby spiders?

  I clenched my jaw.

  "I’ve changed my mind. I don’t want to do this."

  Elise smirked. "Too bad, you already agreed."

  "No, I didn’t. I never agreed."

  Rowan shrugged. "You’re already here."

  I ran a hand through my hair. "Okay, look. Let’s say we find this nest. How do we kill the queen without getting swarmed?"

  Elise tapped her chin. "Usually? You’d take a whole squad of high-level adventurers, set up traps, and then take her out after thinning the numbers."

  I nodded. "That sounds reasonable."

  "Yeah, except we don’t have a squad. Or traps."

  I stared at her. "Then what do we have?"

  Elise gestured at our group. "This."

  I looked at our ragtag excuse for a party.

  A rogue that couldn’t stealth. A mage that couldn’t st more than three spells. An archer that causes accidental property damage. And me.

  With bug spray.

  I pinched the bridge of my nose.

  "We’re gonna die."

  "Nah." Elise grinned. "You’ll carry us."

  I groaned. "I hate you all."

  Vix patted my shoulder. "Don’t worry. If we all die, at least we’ll die together."

  "That doesn’t make me feel better."

  Rowan grinned. "I dunno. I think it’s kinda fun. First real adventure and all."

  I stared at him. "Your first real adventure is going to be your st."

  Rowan twirled his dagger. "Hey, if I die, I die. That’s life, man."

  I pointed at him. "See? This is exactly why we’re gonna die."

  Elise ughed.

  Vix yawned.

  Rowan smirked.

  And me?

  I was seriously regretting every life decision that led me to this moment.

  "Alright, before we run off and get eaten alive," I said, rubbing my temples, "let’s talk about supplies. How long are we gonna be out there?"

  Silence.

  I blinked. "That’s not a hard question, guys."

  Vix stretched and yawned. "Who knows?"

  Rowan shrugged. "Could be a day, could be a week."

  I stared at them. "So you’re telling me we have no idea?"

  Elise nodded. "Yup."

  I sighed. "Great. Amazing. Perfect. So we need to bring food, water, and whatever else keeps us alive."

  Vix gave me a zy grin. "Hey, at least you have your magical shopping skill."

  "Right." I narrowed my eyes. "And I’d love to buy everything we need, but, fun fact—I am not a charity."

  Elise rolled her eyes. "Here we go again."

  "No, seriously," I said, pointing at her. "First, I had to buy spider spray. Then, I had to buy that fming arrow. Then, I had to buy a giant hose to put out a fire you started—"

  "You bought the arrow."

  "You shot it!"

  Elise crossed her arms. "And?"

  I threw up my hands. "I’m just saying, maybe I shouldn’t be the one funding every single life-saving endeavor we go on."

  Vix smirked. "But you have money."

  Rowan nodded. "Lots of it."

  Elise grinned. "And we don’t."

  I gred at them. "I hate you all."

  Rowan snapped his fingers and pointed at me. "That’s the spirit!"

  I groaned. "Moving on."

  Elise leaned against a post. "Alright, let’s think this through. We killed one queen, so there’s gotta be more, right?"

  I froze. "Wait. Hold on. Does that mean the one we killed had a sister or something?"

  Rowan raised an eyebrow. "What, you think she had some evil twin? Like, a Spider Empress II?"

  Vix shrugged. "Wouldn’t be the weirdest thing I’ve heard."

  "Okay," I said, massaging my temples again. "So where did she even come from?"

  Elise sighed. "There’s an old cave a day’s walk from here. Used to be a mine."

  I squinted. "Used to be?"

  "Yeah, they abandoned it about three years ago."

  "Why?"

  Elise gave me a ft look. "Spiders."

  I threw my hands up. "Of course! Of course, it’s fucking spiders!"

  Rowan snorted. "Dude, you’ve got the worst luck."

  "I KNOW."

  Vix tilted her head. "Wait, if they knew about this, why didn’t anyone do anything about it?"

  Elise shrugged. "No one wanted to deal with it."

  I blinked. "Wait, wait, wait—hold up. You’re telling me that a nest of giant, acid-spitting spiders has been hanging out right next to your vilge for three years, and nobody thought to get rid of them?"

  "Yup."

  "Nobody thought, ‘Hey, maybe we should kill them before they start wandering out’?"

  "Nope."

  "You people are insane!"

  Rowan chuckled. "Eh, people get zy. We figured they’d just stay in the cave."

  "Oh yeah, that worked out great." I gestured wildly. "Super effective pn. No problems whatsoever."

  Vix grinned. "Worked for three years, didn’t it?"

  I spped my forehead.

  Elise sighed. "Look, we don’t know if there’s another queen, but if there is, she’s probably in the mine."

  "Great," I muttered. "A mine full of spiders. That’s exactly where I want to go."

  "Actually," Rowan added, "there’s one more thing."

  I groaned. "I swear to god, if you say ‘more spiders,’ I’m gonna lose it."

  Rowan grinned. "Not spiders."

  I let out a relieved sigh. "Oh, thank fuck."

  "It’s an ogre."

  Silence.

  I blinked. "A what?"

  Elise rubbed the back of her neck. "Yeah, there’s an ogre that sleeps outside the cave."

  I stared at her. "Why. The fuck. Is there an ogre."

  Vix shrugged. "Just kinda… showed up one day."

  "AND YOU JUST LET IT STAY?"

  Rowan grinned. "I mean, what were we gonna do? Ask it to leave?"

  I ran a hand down my face. "Oh my god. This vilge is insane."

  Elise nodded. "You get used to it."

  I took a deep breath. "Alright. Just to recap:

  We have to kill another Queen Web Lurker.The nest is in an abandoned mine full of spiders.There is a literal ogre living outside the mine.""That about sums it up," Rowan said cheerfully.

  I clenched my fists.

  "I hate this world."

  Vix patted my shoulder. "At least you’re not alone!"

  "That makes it worse."

  Elise grinned. "Well, at least now we have a pn."

  I stared at her. "We do?"

  Elise nodded. "Step one: Don’t die."

  "That’s not a pn. That’s a prayer."

  Rowan smirked. "Better start praying then."

  I sighed.

  We were so screwed.

  I cpped my hands together. "Alright, we need to have a serious moment."

  Elise raised an eyebrow. "We’ve been pretty serious."

  Vix yawned. "Super serious."

  Rowan twirled his dagger (successfully this time). "The serious-est."

  I pointed at him. "That’s not a word."

  He smirked. "It is now."

  I sighed. "Look, this whole pn is kinda fucked. The entire vilge wants a cure, right?"

  They nodded.

  "So, why is it just us going?" I waved at our ragtag group. "Shouldn’t the entire vilge be out here getting this stuff?"

  Rowan shrugged. "You get what you get."

  I rubbed my temples. "Great. Fantastic. Just love how the responsibility of saving an entire vilge falls on a guy who’s been here for, what, a day?"

  Elise grinned. "Not even a full day."

  I threw up my hands. "EVEN BETTER!"

  Vix stretched. "So what’s the pn, fearless leader?"

  I gred at her. "First of all, fuck you. Second, let’s actually break this down so we don’t die."

  Rowan sighed. "Ugh, thinking? That’s so much effort."

  "I KNOW, RIGHT?" I snapped. "But also, very necessary."

  I turned to Elise. "Your dad—Garron—what’s his deal?"

  Elise shrugged. "He kills shit."

  I squinted. "**That tells me absolutely nothing."

  Rowan nodded. "Yeah, that was super vague."

  Elise rolled her eyes. "He’s strong, he’s been fighting since before I was born, and he’s probably the most experienced out of all of us."

  I pointed at her. "That’s more useful." I nodded. "Alright, cool. So he’s the tank."

  Vix raised an eyebrow. "Tank?"

  Elise blinked. "What’s a tank?"

  Rowan smirked. "It’s like a big, heavy thing that doesn’t die."

  Vix grinned. "Oh, so like Garron."

  Elise nodded. "Yeah, that tracks."

  I cpped my hands again. "Great. Now, do we have a map?"

  Rowan nodded. "Yeah, the elder has one."

  Elise shook her head. "No, he doesn’t."

  Rowan frowned. "Yeah, he does."

  Elise crossed her arms. "No, he doesn’t."

  Rowan leaned forward. "Yeah. He does."

  Elise rolled her eyes. "My dad has one."

  Rowan blinked. "Oh. That’s what I meant."

  I sighed. "So we wasted a full minute on this conversation."

  Rowan grinned. "Welcome to our vilge."

  I ignored him. "Alright, so we get this map, we learn the way to the cave, we scout the area, and—" I paused. "What are the odds the ogre is gone?"

  Elise shrugged. "Doubt it. They sleep for months."

  I sighed. "Of course."

  Rowan twirled his dagger again. "So what’s part two of this amazing pn?"

  I sighed. "Then we somehow kill the babies, the adults, and the queen—all without dying."

  Vix nodded sagely. "Solid pn."

  I squinted at her. "It’s literally just a list of problems."

  Vix grinned. "Exactly."

  I groaned. "I hate you all."

  Elise patted my shoulder. "You’ll get used to it."

  Rowan smirked. "Or die trying."

  I buried my face in my hands. "We are so fucked."