It was a dream, always the same dream. Sky awash with frost, a valley covered in cascading white powder as far as the eye could see. Standing atop a great snow mountain I found myself face to face with a majestic leopard. Its fur as thick and pure as the virgin white snow. Its great eight-foot frame towered over me, its deep blue eyes transfixed onto mine.

  As snow fell, we both stood there before another as still as statuies. It was never fear that froze me, I could never quite recall what I felt whenever I found myself standing before the king of these white peaks besides warmth.

  But, if I were to put a name to this warm feeling, it would be…

  ~#~

  I wake up to the clatter of dishes downstairs. Eyes groggy, I instinctively shut them from the morning light that seeped into my blue and white room. Seeing light mist come out of my mouth I groaned in frustration as I hugged the sheet tighter to my frame.

  It was the beginning of January. And even though it was a brand new year the dogged days still dragged in the plummeting chills of December like an empty sledge. Today was the first day back to school… and I honestly could not find it in myself to cear.

  It's not that I disliked school. On the contrary, my long holiday was uneventful, and there were a few faces at school that I would not mind seeing. It was just the unforgiving cold of this season. That… and the fact that, no matter what, winter never failed to take away a piece of me whenever it arrived.

  Almost a week to the day already, huh? Although my body began to warm and awaken from slumber, the recollection of past winters chilled my blood stiff. Wrapping my head over with the bed sheet, I curl up into a ball.

  With next to no will to prepare for school I decided to not even bother. That was until I heard the swift sounds of paw steps landing upon my carpet. I groaned in slight annoyance as I knew who it was. With the dim sound of purring coming closer, my cat Névé leapt up onto my bed as it pressed its white paws and nose in-between the small haven that was my bed sheets.

  "Névé," I say in annoyance, my voice still groggy from sleep.

  Névé simply meowed in acknowledgement before continuing to fetch for me within the sheets. Having enough I leap out of the covers to face the cold room with a giant roar. Arms out and sheet flying over my head I threaten to tackle Névé only to get no reaction. He just looked up at me with his bright blue eyes, it’s clean white body of fur unruffled by my antics. Meowing at me in-between it's purring I slumped my head in defeat.

  "The hell happened to your feline instincts anyway?" I rasp tiredly.

  Thinking back to the countless times I have done this to him every morning it was possible that I was one to blame. Reaching for my glasses by my bed, I looked at the digital clock on the small white draw beside me. It was eight thirty-three, my eyes narrowed.

  I had my alarm set for eight, this meant that mum had been in here to turn it off again. A slight knot tightened in my gut at this. Dreading the thought of going down stairs, I distract myself by looking back to Névé. He was still sitting there at the end of my bed looking up at me expectedly.

  "So you came here to wake me up in her stead? You want me to go?" I said in a loud bothered tone.

  Névé just meowed and pushed himself against my chest whilst purring some more. Shaking my head I gave into Névé's request as I stroked him.

  "Fine already! I'll go, but watching you acting all cutesy ain't helping." Tickling its tummy, Névé begins to gently play with my hand to my amusement.

  After a time, Névé jumps off the bed as I stand up to get ready. Occupying itself with a blue ball of yarn that it struck and chasing it around my room, I could not help but smile to myself. Watching him goof around was always the highlight of my mornings. As that recollection dawns on me, a feeling of nostalgia creeps into my heart, causing my smile to turn into an echo of itself before I grab my towel and head to the bathroom.

  ~#~

  Having bathed, combed, brushed and dressed for the day, I walked out of my room to quickly check my uniform in the mirror. It was mostly black attire, all save for the shirt. The shirt was a dark grey with black stripes running down its sides. I’d always thought that it might as well be all black. Besides the school badge of a white lotus flower buttoned to my chest, these school clothes always reminded me of the clothes I wore when going to funerals.

  Brushing the thought aside, I grabbed my school bag before walking down the hall towards the stairs. That was when I spotted him from the corner of my eye. Névé was sitting right in front of my mother's bedroom. It was bright, the morning rays fell upon the white carpet with such strength that I had to shield my eyes and wait for them to adjust. He was just sitting there on the white carpet, looking out of the curtainless window.

  "What is it now Névé? Do you see a pigeon?" Just as I was about to walk towards him something about that moment grabbed me. It’s… hard to explain. Like I was about to tread upon holy ground, like an impassable wall stood between Névé and me. And just like that, my mother's room felt lightyears away. Like it was there… but not there all at the same time. And as Névé looked up to the blinding light, he seemed… at peace.

  I felt uneasy, I wanted him to stop-to turn around, and yet… I just could not bring myself to distract him. And so I turned away. And opted to make my way downstairs.

  ~#~

  The smell of warm porridge and hot chocolate welcomed me into the kitchen. My mother greeted me with her smile as she sat herself down on the dining table with her shear of whatever she was serving me. Thanking her, I walked my way around the table, reached for the bowl and began eating my oats as fast as my mouth could allow.

  "I thought a bear had snuck its way upstairs," mother said. I paused and looked up at her confused until I recalled my roar at Névé as I got up out of bed.

  "Sorry," I mumbled. Giving me half an amused smile, mother shook her head as I looked away.

  "Well… bears aside, you're going to be half an hour late," mother said as she blew over her bowl of porridge.

  "I know," I shrugged, keeping my eyes on my spoon. I made a show of eating. As much as I loved my mother, I didn't really want to talk right now. Catching my mood she slowly puts her spoon down as she casts me a worried look.

  "You don't have to force yourself to go to school you know," she said softly.

  My throat became dry at her words, but I quickly hid it by shaking my head. Taking a gulp of hot chocolate to soothe the pain, I continued to chow down my oats before locking eyes with my mother.

  "It's fine mum, I'll just get bored here anyway," I thought I brushed aside her worries well enough. But even so, I found it hard to eat as the knot in my gut tightened. The weight of the bleak world I now live became a little dimmer. "When I have nothing to do I'll just be stuck remembering both of them." My eyes fell on my porridge as I mourned the passing of my dad and my close friend and neighbour, Joan. My father passed the year before, Joan passed last year, both passed on in the same cold month.

  Joan was the last personal death that I experienced. Nothing felt quite the same ever since. I still remember as if it were yesterday, her silver eyes and long golden hair. Sitting on the stone steps of my garden, Névé happily purred upon her lap. I never quite understood it. Maybe it was because she was a girl but Névé always seemed to take more of a liking to her than me. When Névé never came home it was a safe bet that he was staying with her instead. In truth… I was kind of jealous.

  There was this day where I jokingly asked Joan what her deal was. Névé gets all the love and treats he needs at home. Why would a spoiled cat like mine go to all that trouble leaving mine just to visit her? 'What's a garden fence to a greedy cat?' was her simple answer. Thinking back on it now there was a mysterious air to her words. Her passive yet intense gaze melted my heart as she hugged Névé close to her lap. I was spellbound, I remember trying to think up something in reply.

  Something equally clever and witty, but… my mind was drawing blanks. Just before my mouth was about to stammer something opposite to clever and witty, Joan thankfully broke out into fits of laughter. Back then, I was grateful for the diversion. Now though, knowing that I knew now, I wished I did say something. Even if it was stupid,I still wished that I said it. If it allowed me to hear her laugh again, I'd have happily played the fool. But the moment was gone and no matter how much time passed, I could not think up a perfect reply. From that day until now, that line always stumped me. Joan's mind was sharp. But her heart, however…

  Last winter proved too much for one with her illness. And ever since that day, all the winter festivals, Thanksgiving, christmas, the new year. They all held within it a foreboding sense of dread. And bit by bit, I felt like those winter days ate at my heart too. It felt as though every winter I was crusted to have misery befall mother and me.

  Before I had even noticed it, mother had already walked around the table and took me in her embrace. My heart raced at first, I failed to hide my emotions, I'm making her worry again. Soon after however, I simmered down accepting her warm embrace.

  "You're my brave boy," she whispered, the comforting sound of her voice brush my ears. "If things get too hectic for you at school just call me and I will have Ced come pick you up,"

  Instinctively, I pulled out from her embrace. I didn't mean to, and a part of me winced at the act, but being reminded of my stepfather always ate at me. Realising what she had said, my mum Jenefer stepped back in apology.

  "I didn't mean it like that, I-I'm sorry love it's just-- I don't have a car and he-"

  "-it's fine," I interrupt, I take out my growing frustration on my bag handle as i picked it up. There were still some oats left in the bowl but I no longer felt hungry.

  It's not like he's a bad guy or anything. In fact, he was really kind and considerate... and in some ways maybe a bit better than dad. Maybe that was the part that got to me. But whatever I feel about him doesn't matter. Solong as mum is happy then I can live with it. I hugged her one last time to show that there were no hard feelings before I made my way out of the kitchen.

  "I'll be in the library studying after lessons so don't wait for me," I say out loud.

  "Carys?" my mother calls, I look back to the kitchen.

  "Love you," She flashed me a soft smile, returning one in kind I made for the front door.

  Even if it was at the cost of my own happiness, I just wanted to see her happy...

  ~#~

  The headaches crept in about halfway through my first lesson. Despite the throbbing pain and total lack of concentration I persisted on staying at school, hearing my peers rant and rave in the lunch halls, taking part in the snowball fights at break time, laughing at one of my friends' pranks… the school day became a blur to me. As the hours stretched on, the head pains only became more demanding. All who caught me rubbing my temples gave me the same advice but kindly refusing I shook it off. They saw that I was in pain, they meant well. But I'd rather be stuck with this burning headache than be left with the emptiness that followed me from my memories of my father and Joan. Better that than being sober enough to remember all that transpires to me on this month.

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  As classes came to a close I studied in the local library. Lost in textbooks amid dimly lit books shelves I fell into the monotonous lul of study. Had the library stayed open all day, I would have stayed. Hidden behind books, forgetting all about going home and simply remaining there lost in the task. But the escape from my struggles couldn't be held back forever. And so, drained and tired I walked back home.

  ~#~

  All the lights were out in the house when I approached, that told me that most likely nobody was in. Just in case I was wrong I called out for Névé, mother and Ced.

  No response.

  Perhaps out sorting errands or...

  Pushing aside the thought of my mum on a date, I drag my feet into the living room and crash back first on the sofa. Either way, mum and stepdad were out. Still, I wished I had Névé here to keep me company. With the cold and head-throbbing day behind me, I drift into the land of dreams.

  ~#~

  The giant snow leopard towered over me, casting its great shadow upon the white mountain. It's blue eyes regarding. Again, I was back in the same dream again. It was like I never left. Just like last time I was strangely calm as his deep eyes studied me. Moments pass in silence. A thousand words passed between us in a twinkle. In that fraction the warm feeling came over me once again. I knew this feeling, I'd given it a name in some other place or time. It was…

  Before I could crystallise the name by uttering it, a great big snowball came crashing down in front of me. It was like magic! Without rhyme or reason, the great snow leopard somehow rolled the giant snowball towards me. I felt as though it wanted me to pick it up and throw it but that was impossible, the thing was huge, standing at least twice my size! And yet, I was able to throw it back with relative ease.

  Like a cat with a ball of yarn, the great snow leopard struck the giant snowball sending tons of flaky snow flying in the air and crashing into me. I climbed out of the pale snow in a fit of laughter before another giant snowball appeared before me and we did it all over again. Watching the snow leopard smacking the giant ball of snow around melted away the heavy mood I felt. Almost slamming the great ball into me once again I tripped and stumbled down the great snowy slope as the great snow leopard ran after the snowball within the thick forest below.

  Chuckling at its cute antics, I chase the leopard into the woods. Losing sight of him within the thick trees I called its name before catching my breath. Although I felt a lot better, trotting through knee-high snow was tough. A stab of unease came to me causing me to run,

  Spotting him among the thick trees, I sighed out a breath as I called for him. That was when I noticed that something wasn't right. Not daring to look my way, the great snow leopard stood perfectly still, its feline instincts sharpened to a razor's edge. Ears pointing around him like satellite dishes. Holding my breath, I could faintly catch the sound of a low grumbled echo though the vast thick woods. Its passing was faint and vast, like being stuck in the heart of a car's engine. It filled my chest with dread. Soon the sound subsided, but my fear lingered. Wanting to get as far away from the dark forest as possible, I called the great snow leopard once again. This time to my relief, he responded.

  But the moment he turned from the forest to talk back to me did it happen. From nowhere, a gigantic grizzly bear as black as night crashed into the big cat. Its frame dwarfed the great leopard three times over, its jaw snapped on the cat like lightning. With its chest within its mouth, the bear yanked the leopard with violent, frantic shakes of its head. Blood and saliva splattered upon the virgin snow as the snow leopard was tossed and smashed into a nearby branch. The branch shattered on impact, sending a chunk of it pinwheeling towards me before stabbing into the snow upright right by my feet, causing me to stagger onto my back. As I sat up, I saw the leopard struggling to get back to its feet only for the eighteen foot bulking horror in black fur to tackle the leopard. Like a giant truck crashing into a white kitten the leopard was flung across the snow and into another tree.

  The dreaded thud of flesh and bone rang through my ears as I looked petrified. The white leopard now dyed in red laid idle, the soft white snow absorbing his life's essence.

  Heart hammering in my chest I watched as my vision became blurry with tears. The impossible sized bear laid its glowing white eyes on me but I hardly noticed. All I had was focused on the lifeless leopard beyond it. I tried again to call his name but for some reason, it got stuck in my throat. In my effort to call out his name I began to suffocate. I was so stupid, I had been calling his name without thinking up until now. But when I need to call him. The name eludes me.

  As the bear leaves the mouth of the forest towards me, my eyes widen as the fear of my possible death sinks in. It was only in that hopeless moment that the name came back to me.

  "Névé!"

  The echoing cry of his name reverbated of the snow capped mountain peaks. The echoed sounds caused the giant death bear to stop its advance and look upwards. As the echoes of my cry faded, the reply of an approaching avalanche came back, this was followed with a blinding light just beyond the black bear. Just above Névé's corpse stood an atrial projection of him, bathed in angelic white, It stood proudly before them. Wings of blinding light appeared upon Névé's back, spanning fifty feet either side they dwarfed the demonic bear making it shrink back and growl in fear.

  As the coming avalanche ravaged the forest behind them, as the bear stood there in fear, as Névé had its back to the wall of coming snow like the summoner of frosted tides. As Névé vanished into that very avalanche only to be surfacing its raging mighty tides. As the black bear branded its savage teeth at the Névé, at the avalanche-at the world… The whole world turned white, and my eyes snapped open.

  ~#~

  I saw Ced leaning over me, his hand on my shoulder, eyes held relief but betrayed an unexplainable darkness . I groaned inwardly. Ced was the last person I wanted to be woken up by. Calming my racing heart I try to simmer down.

  "Where's mum?" I ask him.

  He simply looked over to the living room entrance where she stood. Her frame leaned against the room's entrance, a black bin bag held in one hand.

  "How was school," she said casually, something about her voice, however, sounded staged, rehearsed.

  Pushing that aside I shrugged my shoulders and rubbed my still aching head.

  "Had the strangest dream," I began. That's when I noticed that things were a bit too quiet, looking up at Ced and mum both it dawned on me that they have been doing nothing but looking at me mournfully this whole time. My blood ran cold.

  "What's going on?" I stammered.

  "I'm sorry sweetie," my mum's voice became hoarse before she started sobbing.

  I was about to question it until this dreadful sense of loss washed over me. The dream of the snow leopard Névé… the bear. Getting off the sofa I slowly walk up to her.

  "What's in the bag mum?"

  "I was thinking that we could rest him in the garden by that tree," Ced picked up behind me. “He always liked that tree.”

  “All cats like trees, Ced.” I grumbled, before he could reply I stopped away from him and towards my mother. "This is some sort of prank, right?" I said. Mother just averted her gaze from me. My eyes water and my throat begins to burn.

  "Please mum, this is not the time to be funny." I tried to ask calmly but it came out as a groggy mess. She shook her head.

  "It happened so fast," she sobbed whilst falling to her knees, the bag fell by my feet. A bloody white paw peaked its way out of its mouth. My world froze, all emotions fled me-and hit me at the same time… I was completely numb. "When we were coming up the driveway, he just... suddenly ran right in the way, it happened too fast. I'm sorry Carys,"

  With my chest tightening I turned to the driver. My eyes burned with a single question, he simply averted his gaze, I may not have known him long, but I could tell that perhaps he felt the most guilty out of all. This did not help me. If not him, then who was I to blame?

  Wiping his palms across his face Ced sighed deeply.

  "Seems like every step of good I make, I end up taking three steps back, I don't know how I'm going to make up to you, but I swear that me and mum will-"

  I couldn't do it.

  I couldn't accept it. My mind refused to believe. I was running out the front door before I knew it. With tearful eyes and sobbing breaths filling my ears I ran through the heavy snow, I ran past Ced's black 4 by 4, I ran past the local roads and downtown neighbourhood in a frenzied blur.

  My glasses fell off but I kept running, past the main roads making cars skid and honk in protest, past shocked onlookers but I did not care, nothing mattered anymore. Running into the local park on the way to school I did not stop. Even though there were no street lamps to illuminate the way I did not stop. It was dark, and I was crying. Rubbing tears from my eyes I ran up the path I could hardly make out before slipping onto a frozen pond. With no light and glasses gone my foot lost balance as I lost track of where I was on the slippery ice. A light source appeared behind me causing me to toppling sideways and buckled onto the thinning ice.

  “Carys!”

  Crashing through the thin sheet, I descended into the cruel, cold abyss of the ice pond. As I tried to regain my bearings to resurface, I quickly realised that I lost the hole that I fell into. The last thing I remember was reaching out for air only to feel a wall blocking my way. And a faint light flashing back and forth as Ced punched the ice trying to reach me. Body already starving for air after running. I simply became as numb as my mind, causing everything around me to fade from view.

  ~#~

  I wake up back before the backdrop to the slopes of the great white mountain. All was pure white as far as the eye could see, all save for the corpse of the great black bear laying in a ton of snow just ahead of me. The great snow leopard… no, my cat Névé's body also lay bloodied and broken right near the grizzly beast.

  "Névé!" Struggling through the snow I fall upon the corps of Névéholding back sobs.

  Although I could not explain it… I knew. I had always known, each and every time I awoke here. I knew that there was a connection. The reason why I had no fear in his presence, now kneeling over his cross I broke down and cried.

  That’s when I felt it, the warm presence apart before me. Looking up, my eyes strain under the shining glow of their presence. As the intensity of the light dimmed, I made out Névé's spirit standing before me and his corpse. Still bathed in light he looked down at me as I climbed over his corpse and ran towards him, as I tried to reach him however, the distance between us stretched further and further away.

  “Come back!” Névé's spirit turned around to me then, making its way up the mountain, the echoed sounds of medical devices beeping came from up high. They're distant echoes only grew a world away with each passing second.

  Someone was trying to bring me back, was trying to take me away from here, to keep me from reaching Névé. My cries for him only grew more disparate then. I could feel my feet grinding to a halt as each futile step-every effort only pushed me further and further away. Feeling hopeless, I fell to my knees sobbing.

  "Don't go…" I pushed out. Névé did not seem to hear. I reached out for him in a dull desperate attempt to touch him. It was like a bad joke, all my life was a bad joke. Wherever I went there was always some barrier blocking my path. Some walls I could not climb, some bonds I could not keep. I had enough, enough of pretending to be alright, enough of being worried. Enough of the tiptoeing and the apologies, enough of worrying about who else I might lose next winter. I had enough. My mind was made up. Reaching out with those emotions my hand touched… something. And although I could not see it, I knew instinctively what it was. It was a barrier, a wall, the block. It was the thing that separated me from being in the present. It was the cosmic force that kept me from all the things that made me happy! It was the wall that Ced, my mum, my friends and the whole world stood behind, never noticed… It was the barrier I needed to break in order to reach Névé. They all found happiness and contentment on this side in the waking world but I… I didn't. I didn’t want to lose anyone anymore.

  Before I knew it, I’d pushed and stumbled beyond that invisible wall. I somehow broke free from the cosmic forces that prevented me from following Névé. As I got back onto my feet, I heard the constant echo of medical devices beeps suddenly ring out a monotone flat line before fading away forever. With that I felt a sudden surge of energy. I felt stronger in this world, more real than ever.

  Catching up with Névé, I call for my cat once again only for him to suddenly turn around and roar at me in anger. Shocked by this I scamper backwards only to fall onto my butt.

  Looking up at him, I repeatedly blink the tears out my eyes, Névé gives me one last solemn look before turning away to walk onwards towards the mountain peak. As soon as his eyes were off mine, I found my courage once again.

  "I'm not going back Névé!" I shout. "Take me with you!!" I call him out of anger, it was a rage that had been building up inside me like a snowball down a mountain these past few years of misfortunate winters.

  Névé stopped his advance towards the peerless snow peak making me freeze in place, gasping for air and having said enough I just roared from my core what I wanted for once without holding back.

  "I don't want to live through another winter! If it means I have to face losing you! If it means that I have to keep being reminded that I lost my dad... if it means that I have to face the fact that I lost Joan then, I'd rather be with you than go anywhere else!...so please..."

  Névé just looked back at me as I sobbed, my tears hitting the snow. Bowing my head I knew what he was thinking and he was right.

  "Mum will be fine, she has Ced. He's a good man... I'll just get in the way." I sighed. "There is nothing left for me back there. So please, don't leave me behind too."

  "Do you truly mean that?" a voice, a girl's voice. One so crisp and nostalgic that I snapped my head up instantly to look. To my complete shock stood Joan, she wore a pure white one-piece dress in this pure frozen landscape, there was an otherworldly glow about her as she stood beside Névé as she absently petted his head. Never once did her silver eyes look away from me as she did so.

  "Do you truly wish to forever stand on the precipice of both worlds? Being a guest on either side but finding a home in none?"

  I barely understood what she was saying but that hardly mattered. Looking at her now left me with nothing but tears of contentment running down my face. Remembering something she'd said a long time ago, I wiped my eyes before looking back at her with a smile.

  "What is a garden fence to a greedy cat?" I said. That line caught her off guard as she stood there looking wide-eyed at me. Soon, however, Joan shook her head and gave me a warm smile. A human smile. A single tear ran down her cheek as she closed them.

  "Carys you idiot," she rasped, I guess she was trying to sound angry, but all I picked up was the hint of relief that betrayed her icy words.