“Alright, folks. Get in your partner groups. We are going to continue with our diplomacy exercise,” Mr. Pendleton announced to the class. There was the sound of chairs sliding across the floor. Rocco looked up in front him to catch Mike standing up and turning his desk to face him. His eyes met Rocco’s, and he smiled.

  He’s just being nice, Rocco instantly thought. Nothing more than being nice. Rocco returned a half-smile. Mike noticed something was a little off with Rocco but did not want to embarrass him, so he sat down in his chair and faced Rocco.

  “Hi, Wayne,” Mike said trying to be chipper.

  “Hey there,” Rocco replied quietly.

  Mike raised his eyebrows, “Everything ok?”

  Rocco looked over to the left, “Yeah.”

  “What’s up? You seem distracted,” Mike pushed on further.

  Rocco looked back at Mike and sighed. “Yeah, it’s not anything important. Just artistic differences.”

  Mike was really confused at this comment. “What do you mean?”

  “Some disagreement at band practice last night,” Rocco did not really want to go any further than that.

  “Oh, okay. I hope it turns out alright,” Mike tried to ease the tension. Rocco just gave him a little nod. Mr. Pendleton interrupted the silence.

  “I’m handing out a list of three randomly assigned topics. I want you two to discuss these topics and talk about your personal views on these topics. If you both agree on a topic, come up with a reason why you agree. If you disagree, why do you disagree? People who practice diplomacy start out finding things they agree on and things they disagree on.”

  Mr. Pendleton started handing out the lists. He placed a sheet of paper on the desks of each pair. When he got to Rocco and Mike, Mike held out his hand to indicate that Rocco should take the lead. Rocco picked up the paper and reviewed the topics:

  ·  Economic Development

  ·  Gun Control

  Suddenly Rocco’s heart pounded.

  ·  Gay Rights.

  Was this intentional? Rocco looked up at Mr. Pendleton, but his back was turned handing out the rest of the lists. There could be no way this was randomly assigned. What a cruel trick that Mr. Pendleton was pulling. Rocco was going to be forced to talk about gay rights. The gay guy talking about gay rights? Was Mr. Pendleton trying to out him like Pete was? What a fucked-up universe.

  Rocco turned the paper over and slid it over to Mike. Mike gave him a puzzled look. He turned the paper over and gave it a look. Mike looked up at Rocco. Rocco felt the blood rush to his face, and he looked away quickly.

  “Okay, which one should we start with?” Mike asked.

  Rocco could not look at him. He looked up and replied, “You pick.” Rocco started to squirm in his seat.

  “Gay rights,” Mike replied definitively.

  Mike stood up and grabbed his desk to turn it around. He would get to look at Rocco face to face today. Perfect timing considering he was working on his drawing. This would be the perfect time to start to memorize every facet of Rocco’s face—his deep bottomless eyes, his prominent nose, his crooked half smile. His eyes met Rocco’s, and he smiled. He had been waiting all night and all morning to see this guy. He was practically counting the seconds until this moment.

  When he saw Rocco, he noticed something was not quite right. He looked a little downtrodden this morning. Something must have happened. Did someone tease him before class? Or maybe something happened at home? Whatever it was, Rocco was looking smaller than he had the past couple of days. He wanted to know but did not want to pry. Even though he felt surprisingly connected to Rocco, it would be weird for him to start asking personal questions.

  “Hi, Wayne,” Mike said trying to be chipper.

  “Hey there,” Rocco replied quietly. It tore at Mike a little to see something was bothering Rocco.

  Mike raised his eyebrows, “Everything ok?”

  Rocco looked over to the left, “Yeah.” No, Mike knew everything wasn’t okay with him. Something was bugging him. He wanted to reach over, give Rocco a hug, and tell him everything would be fine. But he tried to play it cool.

  “What’s up? You seem distracted,” Mike pushed on further. Rocco said something about artistic differences. It clicked—something happened with his band.

  “What do you mean?” Mike asked.

  “Some disagreement at band practice last night,” Rocco said—just as Mike thought. He was a little relieved that Rocco didn’t say he had been called a name or teased.

  “Oh, okay. I hope it turns out alright.” Mike tried to empathize, but he didn’t know anything about being in a band. His art was all solo activities so he could not wrap his head around having to work with others to create something. It had to be difficult. Rocco just gave him a half smile.

  Mr. Pendleton interrupted the silence to explain the exercise. Talk about the topics they would be handed. It sounded easy enough. When he got to Rocco and Mike, Mike held out his hand to indicate that Rocco should take the lead. Rocco picked up the paper. Mike saw a panic rush over Rocco’s face. Rocco turned the paper over and slid it over to Mike. What could be on this paper that upset him so much? He turned the paper over and gave it a look. Mike looked up at Rocco. He saw Rocco turn bright read and look away quickly. It was because gay rights was on the list. They would have to talk about what everyone assumed about Rocco—gay. He also got nervous himself. He hadn’t thought about himself being gay but all these feelings he was having towards Rocco were making him question everything he assumed. He couldn’t be completely straight given his attraction to Rocco. A slight panic ran through Mike as well. Would this exercise give away how he felt about Rocco? Mike didn’t know how to react. So maybe he would let Rocco pick first.

  “Okay, which one should we start with?” Mike asked.

  Rocco could not look at him. He looked up and replied, “You pick.” Rocco started to squirm in his seat. Damn, he was going to have to decide. Mike thought for a moment. Maybe this would be good. Maybe if they talked about the elephant in the room, it could be liberating in some way. Let’s cut to the chase then and just get it out of the way.

  “Gay rights,” Mike replied definitively.

  Rocco blew out heavily and looked at Mike. “Okay, gay rights, it is.”

  Mike looked around the room wondering if they were the only one with this topic. He looked back around at Rocco who was looking down at the paper. There was an awkward silence between the two of them. Rocco began to rap his fingers on the desk. Mike twisted his hair between his fingers.

  “Guys,” Mr. Pendleton interrupted. “You have to talk about all of the topics, so let’s get started. Are you guys stuck on something?”

  Rocco looked off to the distance. Mike looked at Rocco and then at Mr. Pendleton. “We are.”

  “Okay, what are you two talking about?” Mr. Pendleton leaned down.

  “What are gay rights?” Mike asked.

  “Oh, okay,” Mr. Pendleton said. “It’s the ability for people to marry someone of the same sex. It’s the protection of gay and lesbians from discrimination at work, school, getting a house. Basically, it’s about gay and lesbians having the same rights and protections as straight people.”

  “Okay, that makes sense,” Mike said. Mr. Pendleton nodded and walked off to another pair.

  “So, what do you think about all of that?” Mike asked Rocco.

  “Why are you asking me that?” Rocco asked defensively.

  Mike’s face got flushed. “Because that’s what the instructions are. Talk about if we each agree or disagree and then talk about our agreement and disagreement.”

  “Yeah, right,” Rocco sighed. It was just a class exercise Rocco thought to himself. It has nothing to do with what you are going through. “Okay, I’m definitely against discrimination of any type, but why should gay people have special rights?”

  This was not the response Mike was expecting. He would have thought that Rocco would be 100% in favor of all the gay rights. “Well, I agree about what you said about being against any kind of discrimination,” Mike thought for a moment. “But I don’t think we are talking about any extra additional rights—just the same rights as everyone else.”

  “So, not preferential treatment?” Rocco asked.

  “I don’t think it means that. I think it means like being fired because you’re gay. Or making it illegal to bully someone?” Mike replied. Rocco blushed. Was he talking about him directly? He shook it off, however.

  “I see your point,” Rocco said. “It’s kinda hard to think about this so abstractly.”

  “Okay, let me think of an example. Let’s say I’m gay,” Mike said looking squarely at Rocco. Rocco raised an eyebrow. “And let’s say we were going out,” Mike’s voice dropped off slightly at the end. Mike looked down for a second and, when he looked back up, Rocco was staring at him point blank. Mike continued, “Now, let’s say a group of guys started to beat me up.” Rocco swallowed hard. “Would you want to have a law in place that would allow you to press charges for gay bashing?” Mike asked.

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  Rocco held his breath before answering. He felt as if Mike were asking him this question not as a hypothetical example but as a real scenario. Rocco swallowed again and said “Absolutely! I would want to protect you as much as I could. You would be my boyfriend.”

  Mike’s face lightened and a smile started across his face. “And if we were boyfriends for a while, would you want to marry me?” Mike held his breath in anticipation for Rocco’s response.

  Rocco let out a nervous laugh but then swallowed hard yet again. He felt his heart pounding and hoped it was not showing through his shirt. He saw that Mike was looking deep into him for an honest answer. Rocco cleared his throat and replied, “Absolutely.” They stared at each other for a few seconds.

  Mike interrupted the moment, “Then it sounds like you are in favor of gay rights.”

  Rocco smiled. He was right about everything.

  “We agree on this topic,” Mike added.

  Rocco’s smile widened. He was relieved to discover that Mike was not as close minded and conservative as he originally thought. He was at least open to the idea that gays and lesbians should have the same treatments as everyone else. He was happiest that Mike was willing to contemplate a scenario where they were boyfriends. Mike did not immediately cringe at the hypothetical scenario. Rocco wanted to be certain about this.

  “You’re not just saying this because it’s me you are talking to?” Rocco asked quietly.

  “What do you mean?” Mike looked at him confused. Mike really wasn’t confused. He was just playing dumb. He knew exactly what Rocco was saying.

  Rocco looked around and then down at his hands. He started to nervously fidget his thumbs. “Because…” he started quietly and then cleared his throat and spoke louder, “because of the rumors about me.”

  Mike wanted to play dumb again and say, “what rumors?” However, he figured that would be taking it too far. That would be cruel.

  “I’m not saying it because of the rumors. I really mean it,” Mike wanted to reach out and hold Rocco’s hand but knew it would not be appropriate here. Instead, he leaned closer and spoke softer, “I really mean it, and I’m totally in favor of you being who you are.”

  Rocco laughed nervously and smiled. He could sense that Mike was sincere and meant what he said from the bottom of his heart. A lock of Mike red hair fell on his forehead. Rocco desperately wanted to reach up and slick it back for him.

  “Thank you for saying that,” Rocco said keeping his composure.

  “It breaks my heart a little to see you not being your true self,” Mike said looking at Rocco deeply. Whoa, this is getting intense, Rocco thought to himself.

  Mike continued, “But I understand you have to do things on your own terms. Just know that I am here for you, and I support you.”

  This was not how Rocco anticipated this conversation at all.

  “Okay, you’ve got five more minutes,” Mr. Pendleton broke the moment.

  “Oh, shit. We haven’t talked about the other two topics,” Rocco laughed.

  Mr. Pendleton looked at Rocco, “Language, mister.” Mr. Pendleton then spoke to the rest of the class but really directed his statement at Mike and Rocco. “Don’t worry if you haven’t made it to all the topics. We will continue with this exercise tomorrow.” Relief set in for the both of them.

  Once the bell rang, Mike got up. Rocco looked up from his desk at Mike. Mike gave him a little smile and then said, “See you again in a few minutes.” He walked off leaving Rocco to gaze admirably at his departure.

  “Can we talk alone?”

  Rocco looked up from the lunch table to see Pete look directly at him. Pete nodded his head towards an empty table. Rocco got up and went to the table with Pete without saying a word. They both sat down across from each other. Rocco couldn’t look at Pete after his outburst last night. He was still furious and didn’t know how he was going to make it through their show.

  “I was such a dick last night,” Pete started. “I had no right to try to get you to come out…” he trailed off realizing that he shouldn’t have phrased his apology in that manner. “I mean, getting you to say something you are not ready to say.”

  Rocco just sat quietly at the table. His fury began to fade. Pete was trying to apologize although he wasn’t doing a great job at it.

  “Rocco, look at me,” Pete pleaded. Rocco complied. Pete’s icy blue eyes penetrated Rocco’s brown opaque eyes. “I’m nervous we are going to fuck our show up, but that’s no reason to go off on you like I did.”

  Rocco nodded acknowledging what he was saying. Pete continued his apology, “I want you to know that it doesn’t matter to us what you are. We--” Pete caught himself, “I want you to know that I’m in your corner. It hurts that you can’t be honest to us about who you are.”

  Rocco totally understood where Pete was coming from. These guys were his bandmates—through thick and thin. They would support him because he was a vital part of the band. Rocco began to feel foolish that he couldn’t trust his own bandmates.

  “Pete, it’s totally cool. I understand,” Rocco began, “I know you’re freaked out about the show. I am too. I’m sorry I haven’t been honest to you all that I’m gay--”

  Rocco froze dead in his tracks. He hadn’t realized what he had said—it just came out unconsciously. He had just said he was gay to someone else—at this very moment. He finally had said the words out loud. He didn’t intend to say it but there it was.

  I’m gay.

  Pete sat back surprised at what Rocco had just said. He wasn’t surprised at all at the content but that it happened right now.

  “Did you really mean that?” Pete asked.

  Rocco looked down but then, with a determination in his eyes, he looked back up and looked Pete square in his icy eyes.

  “Yes, I’m gay,” Rocco said.

  Rocco didn’t really want to come out first to Pete, but he got so wrapped up in the moment. It felt phenomenal to just say it out loud to someone—anyone—else.

  Rocco repeated, “I’m gay.”

  Pete let out a loud laugh and pounded his fists on the table. A few people looked up but then went back to their lunch.

  “Rocco, I know! I’m thrilled you finally told me!” Pete exclaimed. Rocco felt a weight lifting off his chest. “Who all knows?”

  “You’re the first person I’ve told,” Rocco admitted.

  “What??? I’m the first person you’ve come out to?” Pete’s eyes widened.

  Rocco laughed. “Yeah, you are.”

  Pete gave him a sentimental look and a big AWWW. Pete taunted him, “You dumb fucker!”

  Rocco let out a long sigh and replied, “Yeah, I know.”

  “Do you want to let the other guys know?” Pete asked.

  Rocco thought for a second and then replied, “Ok”.

  As they walked back to the table, Pete put his arm around Rocco’s neck. The two sat down. Raz and Austin stopped eating their lunch and saw Pete had a goofy grin on his face.

  “What’s going on?” Raz asked confused. Pete motioned to Rocco that he had the table. Rocco looked at Pete, took a deep inhale, and then looked at Raz and Austin.

  “I’m gay,” Rocco exhaled.

  “No shit,” Raz said flatly and smiled. “Who else knows?”

  “Just you guys right now. Can we keep it among us for the time being?” Rocco asked.

  Raz and Pete nodded.

  Rocco looked over at Austin. He felt a sudden pang of regret that it was not Austin that he first told—his best friend in the world. Austin shot him a big smile and nodded his head. Rocco shrugged his shoulders.

  “That’s the best news I’ve heard all day,” Austin replied.

  Once lunch was over and Raz and Pete had left, Rocco walked over and sat next to Austin who was still at the table.

  “Are you upset I didn’t tell you first?” Rocco looked down embarrassed.

  “A little,” Austin replied. “But this is not about me, Rocco. It’s on your terms and you did it. That’s all I could ask for.” Austin put his arm around Rocco’s neck and gave him a squeeze. Rocco still felt bad about not telling Austin first, but he knew Austin meant what he said.

  “There is something I can tell just you,” Rocco said.

  Austin turned to face Rocco. “Of course, anything.”

  Rocco paused then took a breath, “I have a crush on a guy in a couple of my classes.” Rocco was not necessarily revealing anything he hadn’t known himself. He knew the familiar feelings of longing when he got a crush.

  “Who is it?” Austin eagerly asked.

  “It’s a sophomore, so you probably don’t know who it is,” Rocco said.

  “Well, does this guy have a name?” Austin was genuinely interested.

  “His name is Mike,” Rocco started. “Actually, it’s Joe Barber’s little brother.”

  “The football player?” Austin asked.

  “Yes,” Rocco replied.

  Austin suddenly got a worried look on his face. “Is he gay?”

  Rocco looked down as he said, “I don’t know…I don’t think so.”

  Austin let out a sigh and responded, “Oh man, that kinda sucks. What are you going to do?”

  Rocco moved his foot from side to side trying to kick imaginary dirt on the tile floor. “I don’t know.”

  Austin didn’t really know what to say to this. He had no real experience with unrequited love. It had to be extra tough for a gay guy to crush on a straight guy. He gave him a closed empathetic smile and said, “Chin up. It could work out.”

  “Yeah, maybe,” Rocco trailed off. Rocco shook his head and wanted to change the subject. “What’s going on with your crush?”

  Austin smiled, “Nothing yet. But I might invite Wendy to practice some time—just to see how things go.”

  Rocco gave him a crooked smile, “I can’t wait to meet her.”

  “We better get to class. Hey, if things turn out like you want, maybe ask Mike to watch us practice,” Austin said.

  “Yeah,” Rocco started to think. “I may do that.” Just like Austin said—just to see how things go. Rocco looked up at Austin, “This is assuming you actually come to practice.”

  “Fuck you, Rocco!” Austin laughed which Rocco returned.

  Austin and Rocco slowly made their way back to class. They did not want to spend the rest of the day in class bored out of their minds. It was a perfect day to just hang out on the porch and watch the day go by. They passed Meigs Johanssen on their way back.

  Meigs was a junior who was openly gay to everyone. He was one of the most flamboyant guys in the school. He reminded Rocco of Elton John when he was all smacked out on drugs in the 70s. Meigs always wore flashy clothes and sashed the hallways with such flair. He was known to do a fierce vogue in the hallway. His hair was shoulder length and heavily sprayed in a Mary Tyler Moore flip. He would often paint his fingernails to match his ensemble. Today, he was in a purple mood.

  As Meigs passed, Rocco saw that he had a fresh black eye that was almost swollen shut. Because of his flamboyance, Meigs was victim to daily beatings from the very guys that called Rocco names—the guys that Joe apologized for. There was a trickle of blood coming from Meigs’s nose. It was possible that the black eye occurred earlier today, but the bloody nose had just happened. Meigs had a tissue which he used to catch the blood from his nose. Meigs darted into the bathroom. Rocco stopped causing Austin to stop as well.

  “You okay?” Austin asked.

  “Yes, I just have to go to the bathroom,” Rocco looked over to the bathroom. “I’ll see you in class.”

  Austin nodded and turned to walk back to class. Rocco looked around and then stepped into the bathroom that Meigs had just entered. He saw Meigs crying over a running sink—blood dripping from his nose. Rocco stood there looking at him not really knowing what to do. Meigs looked up and saw Rocco staring at him.

  “Can I help you?” Meigs sneered and wiped the blood from his nose.

  “Are you alright?” Rocco choked out.

  “Do I look alright?” Meigs barked.

  Rocco looked down. “No, you don’t.”

  Meigs tried his hardest to not break down, but it was not working. Rocco started to walk toward him. Meigs straightened up and started to back away.

  “Hey, I’m not going to hurt you. I want to help,” Rocco said trying to be soothing. Meigs stopped and relaxed a bit. “Do you have any more Kleenex?” Rocco said noticing the tissue Meigs was using was starting to get full.

  Meigs pulled out a travel sized packet of tissues from his back pocket. Rocco pulled out a clean tissue. “Here, you want to tilt your head forward and pinch your nose to stop the bleeding.” Rocco demonstrated this technique without touching the tissue to his own nose.

  “Aren’t you supposed to hold your head back?” Meigs said in a glib tone.

  “No, it’s forward. The blood will run down your throat if you hold your head back,” Rocco said.

  Meigs did as Rocco said.

  “Who did this to you?” Rocco asked.

  “Those asshole football players—the ones that always do this!” Meigs said as he was pinching his nose.

  “Are you going to report them?” Rocco asked. Maybe he should tell Joe about what his jock friends had done.

  Meigs laughed, “I’ve done that so many times already last year and nothing ever happens. Why bother?”

  Rocco could only say “Oh.” He stood there for a minute while Meigs held his nose closed. It appeared as if the bleeding was starting to subside. “Well, I better get to class.”

  Rocco wanted to tell him he had just come out but stopped himself. Seeing Meigs and the state he was in made Rocco sick to his stomach. This could happen to him as well. Rocco started to make his way to the door.

  “Thanks. Most guys wouldn’t give a shit about me to help,” Meigs said looking at his bloody tissue. Rocco turned around and gave him a sympathetic smile. The two met glances. Rocco quickly turned around and left the bathroom.

  Rocco stopped just outside of the door and leaned against the wall. He closed his eyes and exhaled. What had he just done? He came out and felt such relief but now he was looking at his potential fate. Rocco had the luxury of being able to go under the radar. He was not flamboyant like Meigs. He was just a grungy skater boy. He had been called “faggot” and other names, but even then, those instances were not daily. Since he started hanging out with the alternative crowd and smoking pot, he gained some freedom from bullying as he was now just seen as different—a misfit. None of the popular kids really cared enough about this crowd to make a fuss. He started to feel guilty that all the homophobia was diverted towards guys like Meigs. Rocco could still hide unnoticed for the moment.