I'M BACK BITCHES!!! Got finished with cleaning up after the storm, got power and internet, and my phone is no longer fucked up and unusable! I feel like I had been stuck in a cave for a week and I am now finally out in the sunlight. Of course, it didn't help things that I got stuck in the new Divinity 2 game. Honestly? The shit is fucking awesome. Whenever I beat the game, I will definitely put some effort into the Campaign creation tool.

  Things might get weird for me in real life in the near future. Work is a bit unstable right now and I don't know what is going to happen. Things might get hectic and I might not have much time to write, or I might suddenly find myself with a bunch of free time. All I can say is to keep an open mind and I hope I don't have to disappoint anyone.

  Evan opened his eyes as he sat up from his Virtuo pod. His in-game character had finally passed out. Since he was “unconscious” there wasn’t really anything he could do anymore leaving him with his only option of logging out. Thankfully, it seemed like someone got to him just in the nick of time so odds were good that he would be alright. He had spent the last 3 days wandering through that damnable wasteland of hell. All he ever encountered were those stupid brown mantis pieces of shit. They were all over the place and he was constantly on the run. That was how he spent his first day. Running like his life depended on it which, in essence, it did.

  He had failed to run into other living creatures. It was like this whole area had been picked clean by these insects. It didn’t really surprise him to find the area’s wildlife extinct. Not only were the mantis bugs dangerous, but they were numerous and quite persistent. Every time they found him, they would shriek like banshees and the noise would bring more of the things straight to him. It took him several hours to realize that he was probably heading towards a nest of some sorts, and that wasn’t until he had practically fallen into the hole of one of their entrances.

  The whole thing was carved out of a massive rock spire, almost like a termite mound and he could see countless amounts of them just inside the tunnels that were visible from where he was standing. There had been a long moment as the two opposing forces watched each other. The mantis bugs were the first to go to action and as one, they all started screaming.

  Evan didn’t want to admit it, but at that particular moment, he might have panicked a teensy little bit. Maybe people might say punching a mantis bug nest hard enough to collapse it was a lot more than just your average moment of adrenaline-fueled panic, but at the time he had been running the entire day and was desperate to get them to stop chasing him for at least a little bit. Not only that, but he was getting a serious headache from all their damned screaming.

  No one told him how they would have reacted. He might have tried to hold back some, maybe just cave in the tunnel or something. How was he supposed to know the damn things would take losing their home so badly? In the end, Evan had come to a reasonable decision. Those mountains weren’t THAT far. He was sure he could run all the way there with no breaks. The whole trip should be a piece of cake. Yup. No problems here. Just running from dozens of scary as fuck mantis monsters. Nothing to see here.

  Evan shivered as he remembered all the close calls he avoided whenever he ran into one of their ambushes or stumbled into a dead end while he weaved his way through the scattered outcroppings and rubble. He had been surrounded on more than one occasion and had taken his own share of hits. Especially to his back. He unconsciously rubbed his back where he remembered the countless bladed limbs that lodged themselves in his own flesh.

  He stopped trying to remove every limb that got stuck when stopping to pull them out would only invite more attacks. Whoever managed to save his sorry ass was gonna have their work cut out for them, that’s for damn sure. In the end, he had used the last of his strength to bury himself and the creepy crawlies that had finally managed to surround him in tons of rock and rubble. He had managed to pull himself free of the wreckage and stagger away from the mess he made before collapsing right in front of someone.

  He couldn’t really see clearly enough to realize who it was but after hearing their assurances, he reminded himself he wasn’t really in a state to do anything about it anyways and had promptly collapsed. Being unconscious in the game was a weird experience for Evan. He had found himself in an empty space. He could walk about but space was limited and there was nothing to do other than log out, which is why he was currently busying himself by making a sandwich.

  There wasn’t much in terms of ingredients, he would have to go do some grocery shopping soon. For now, though, he settled for a classic: Toasted Peanut butter and Jelly! He brought out a loaf of bread, peanut butter, and grape jelly and carefully spread everything on the two slices he pulled from the bag. He popped open the plasma crisper and set the temperature to low for 10 seconds until it was all golden brown and the jam oozed out the sides and- “Shit! I forgot the fucking tray underneath! Damnit!”

  Indeed Evan had forgotten to put a tray underneath his sandwich to catch the mess that was made as the peanut butter and the jelly liquified inside the bread. Now he would have to wait for his crisper to cool down before he could clean out the insides. “At least my sandwich is okay.” Evan mumbled before taking a bite of his snack. He sat down for an hour or two watching broadcasts on his holovids. He started by checking his favorite channels for any sports teams he liked that might be playing but after not finding anything fun, decided to check the news for anything interesting. Surprisingly, There was indeed something that grabbed his attention.

  “-ecial announcement for Dreamscape Online?” “Absolutely! Players of Dreamscape Online! I want to thank you for being so dedicated to supporting what we love and because of this, we decided to release one of our first patches for the game early! In about a week Tetra Game will be releasing patch 1.1 for Dreamscape Online!”

  Evan stopped channel surfing when he heard the man mention Dreamscape Online. It seems like he was just in time to catch an interview of some sort between a news reporter and a tall man in a well fitted business suit. The man must have been someone important that worked in Tetra games to be making an announcement on the news. Maybe a spokesman or some sort of representative? Still, a new patch? This soon after the game’s release? Evan paid close attention to the rest of the interview. He hadn’t actually managed to talk with anyone yet, but if the patch would help make their interactions even MORE realistic, then he was all for it. The interview had been a rerun from a day or two ago, but Evan had been spending so much time in the game by himself, that if an asteroid had hit the planet and wiped out half of human civilization, he would be none the wiser.

  He was especially interested in the monster faction. To be honest, he was sorely tempted by the prospect of becoming a monster race. Maybe not a full blown monster though, No telling what he might become if he recreated a new character… or maybe he could choose? Evan wasn’t sure on what the specifics would be if he decided to join the monster faction but the more he thought about it, the more he felt kind of attached to the race he had chosen already. Maybe, if he was presented with the opportunity, he would decide to become a half-breed monster, that way he can at least keep SOME of his racial features.

  The interview came to an end and Evan continued surfing channels on his holo-screen as he idly pondered about what he just saw. The more he thought about it, the more he felt he might wait a little while before logging back into the game. He was almost certain that if his character survived the harrowing journey through that deadly wasteland, then in all likelihood, he was currently being cared for in a village of some sorts. He would be able to log back in within a day or so and be awake but why shouldn’t he wait a few more days for this update to come out?

  Evan didn’t want to be disappointed in his first encounter with actual NPCs, if he were to wait until after the update then he could pretend they were real people. He could forget about his misery in the world. Spending several days in a row fighting for your life did wonders for depression, but that wasn’t something that made him feel better. He wanted contact with other people, but he didn’t want to put up with people constantly reminding him of what he lost with their “condolences”. Evan KNEW what he lost, and it hurt. A lot!

  He would wait. Evan was sure he could manage a few days of being alone before he jumped back into the game. Things will be so much simpler once he was able to forget everything that bothered him out here. At least for a little while.

  ……

  “There you are! Geez, it took you long enough!” Tanyargh shouted as Puff flew towards Delric and her. “I hope you got everything you needed because I’m ready to pound some flesh!” Tanyargh raised her great axe menacingly to make her point more clear.

  “Whoa there, relax! It took me a few minutes to find the place. I got a bunch of herbs and stuff I can mix together while we travel. I’m sure I can make a couple of simple things before we reach the goblins.” Puff seemed nervous but quickly calmed down once he started talking about the good he could do for the group.

  Delric broke into the conversation between the two of them. “How are you going to do that? Don’t you need to be sitting still in order to brew potions and mix ingredients?”

  Puff smiled broadly before zipping up to Tanyargh’s shoulders and immediately plopping down. “What are you talking about? I AM sitting down.”

  Tanyargh looks even more annoyed. “Oi! I don’t think I want you mixing your damn poisons just a few inches from my face! Find somewhere else to sit!”

  Puff waved away Tanyargh’s concerns. “Relaaaax I’m still a low-level alchemist, whatever I mix up is going to be too weak to affect people all that much. Besides, you have a troll’s constitution. Even if it DOES affect you, it’s not gonna kill you.”

  Tanyargh’s frown deepened. “That doesn’t mean I want to inhale your damnable poisons! That shit sucks!”

  “Suck it up. You’re our tank and you should get used to little things like this, besides, it will help you build a poison resistance which would make you an even MORE effective tank!”

  Tanyargh couldn’t deny the truth in Puff’s statement. Besides that, during the entire conversation, Tanyargh had just realized that Puff had already brought out all his tools and ingredients. He was already busily tossing things together as purple smoke and unusual odors filled the air around them. She finally gave up and reluctantly grunted in acceptance.

  “Are you two gonna stand there all day or can we get a move on already? We need to be efficient with our time here and I would much rather gain some levels killing a tribe of goblins.” Delric said.

  Wordlessly the trio started their adventure out of the village gates and into the plains where their quests awaited them. Players passed them by, many took notice of Tanyargh’s massive frame. It wasn’t normal to see troll players in the game, especially female trolls. Most people felt like playing as a character that seemed more similar to their actual bodies, such as humans, elves, or even beastkin. Dwarves were fairly popular as well since the race commonly populated fantasy stories. However it was rare to see any of the unusual races being chosen by players, since most people felt uncomfortable trying to get used to different body shapes and sizes.

  Tanyargh didn’t mind the attention though, she played her role as the intimidating brute rather well, occasionally glaring at people that got too close to them. People seemed to move before them like the water breaking before a ship, making travel through the crowded roads of the village much easier. As they approached the small gate, a small group of players was approaching them, entering the village as they left.

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  The person that was leading the group looked up and noticed Tanyargh immediately. His eyes bugged out and he reflexively took a step backward. “Holy shit! It’s a monster! Guys a monster is attacking the village!” The human in full plate immediately pulled his weapon out, a one-handed mace, as he prepared to fight. The guy’s friends looked up and instantly grabbed their weapons and looked around for the supposed monster.

  Tanyargh was stunned for a second until her eyes flashed with recognition whereupon she burst out laughing. “HAHAHAHAHA! D-didn’t you already learn your lesson yet?! Hahaha!” Tanyargh doubled over as she continued laughing while Puff and Delric looked back and forth between the two.

  Delric was about to say something before the strange man charged towards Tanyargh, mace raised high and a battle cry roaring from his throat. “May the light smite thee foul beast!” He brought his mace down onto Tanyargh’s head only to whiff entirely as his mace smashed into the ground cracking the cobblestone beneath their feet. Before the man could even react Tanyargh had stepped on the mace handle and grabbed his throat. While the mace was pinned to the ground, Tanyargh lifted the man up, Full plate armor and all, in the air until he was inches from her face.

  The paladin wannabe futilely tried to pry Tanyargh’s fingers from his throat, his face turning beet red from the strain and lack of oxygen. A guard standing next to the gate jogged up to the group. “Excuse me miss, I’m going to have to ask you to put him down. We can’t have people killing each other right in front of Duhla’s front gates.”

  Tanyargh nodded. “That’s fine, but this idiot has already attacked me once before, I won’t kill him, but he needs to learn not to mess with people.” Tanyargh turned her attention back to the still struggling idiot who was now just starting to turn a little blue. “Listen here you little shit! I’m not some stupid ass monster you can just beat down for free levels. I’m a player! Got that?!” Tanyargh didn’t wait for his reply instead she relaxed her grip and the man flopped bonelessly to the ground, gasping for air.

  The man’s voice was hoarse from his recent strangulation but found a sudden confidence boost now that he thought the law was on his side. “Y--you’ll pay for that you bitch! You’ll regret ever trying t-”

  The arrogance was abruptly blown away like dust in the wind when the very same guard slapped him on the back of the head. “Shut up you stupid twit! It’s your own damned fault that this whole mess got started in the first place. Honestly, attacking someone unprovoked right in front of the village guard? You should be thankful I haven’t clapped irons on you yet! I’m still tempted though, so don’t push it.”

  The oh-so-aptly-named ‘stupid twit’ got to his feet. His hands clenched tightly and his face was turning red from his intense rage, but he averted his gaze from the guard and instead directed it towards Tanyargh. He grit his teeth and the air was filled with the silent tension. Everyone readied themselves as it seemed like it might come down to a fight.

  Just before that could happen though a voice rang out, breaking the silence. “Hey Tanyargh, I think he blames you for looking ugly!” All eyes focused on the diminutive figure that had been sitting unnoticed on the large troll’s shoulders until now. “I mean, I guess it’s not really his fault your looks could break mirrors, but he WAS the one that started the whole thing.” Puff shrugged his shoulders, entirely unfazed by the situation. “Seems kinda silly to get thrown in jail just because you wanted to make the world a prettier place though.”

  Delric burst out laughing and Tanyargh tried to frown seriously at Puff but failed miserably as her twitching lips showed major cracks in her stoic demeanor as mirth bubbled inside her. “Shut it you stupid glow stick. I’m happy with the way I look thank you very much!”

  By now a crowd had gathered around the area and it was obvious that many people had heard their words as sporadic laughter rang all around them. The man, now even more humiliated, could do nothing but fume impotently as the whole situation slipped from his control. Left with no other option, he gathered what little remained of his dignity and stomped into the village, giving Tanyargh a wide berth.

  Delric let out a sigh of relief and decided to refocus his two distracted friends back onto the task at hand. “Alright guys, the show’s over so let’s get questing. Those mobs aren’t gonna grind themselves!”

  As one, Puff and Tanyargh gave Delric a mocking salute. “Sir, yes Sir!” and they resumed their march out of the village down the road that led into the plains. The two that had traveled with the upstart paladin apologized for the behavior of their party member and assured Tanyargh they had no problems with her. The two adventurer’s let out relieved sighs when all was forgiven. No one wanted to be associated with such an obvious asshole lest he ruins their reputation with other players.

  ……

  Tanyargh, Delric, and Puff warily approached the part of the road that was said to be plagued with goblin attacks. Goblins were relatively easy to fight normally, but the problem was when goblins decided to go on the offensive. When they attacked, they always did so with overwhelming numbers. Currently, the plan was to hunt down any scouting parties or small patrol groups that wandered far from the village.

  What made them cautious was the fear of possibly running into a group of goblins out for blood. A small party like the three of them would be easily overwhelmed if they didn’t stay on their toes. So far things were going well, with Puff ranging out to check their surroundings for goblin tracks. Once located, the group would follow them and perform their pest controlling duties. They needed about 20 goblin ears and each group they encountered usually had about three to six goblins so things had been going smoothly other than a goblin or two that had run the moment a fight started.

  In the meantime, Puff had been steadily picking the pepperwind weeds needed for the gathering quest. Surprisingly the plants were fairly abundant in the region and it wasn’t long before they were able to meet the quota required by the quest, so Puff started experimenting with the excess weeds while riding on Tanyargh’s shoulders. They were currently walking down the road on the way back to the village. They hadn’t quite managed to kill enough goblins yet but they all agreed they would likely encounter a group or two on the way back to finish up the quest. Delric decided to take up Puff’s role of scout so Puff could practice his alchemy and try out various experiments he had been planning.

  Tanyargh wasn’t very happy about the arrangement because those experiments were taking place right on her shoulders. “Don’t go blowing my arm off now! I may be able to grow it back but it isn’t exactly comfortable losing a limb.”

  Puff Ignored her concern as he focused on the task at hand. “Don’t worry about it, I’m sure things will be fine.” Currently, Puff had what looked to be some sort of nut shell in his hand that he was carefully drilling a hole into. “It’s only a burst bean, not a nuclear bom-” At that moment the drill he was using made it through the shell. The sudden lack of resistance surprised Puff and he jerked involuntarily causing the drill to twist and crack the delicate shell in his hand.

  In the next instant, there was a violent pop and Tanyargh jerked her head to look at Puff. Instead of seeing the fairy-like she expected, Tanyargh was greeted by a creature with the lower body of a fairy, and an upper torso covered in sticky pink seed-filled pulp. Puff broke the long silence with his next words of wisdom. “Huh, so THAT’S why it’s called a burst bean.”

  After 2 hours of walking, and 4 more failed attempts of working with burst beans, Puff finally managed to drill through the outer shell. He tensed, waiting for the inevitable explosion, and sighed with relief when none was forthcoming and examined his handy work. “Sweet! I knew it was possible! Now I just need to extract the pulp and I’ve got the perfect container for my first prototype handmade bombs!”

  Tanyargh looked at him with disbelief. “Really? There is no way that little seed pod will pack enough punch to knock a bunny on its ass, let alone any normal monsters. Just admit all that work was for nothing.”

  Puff shook his head. “I’m not going for explosive potential here. These pods explode in order to spread their seeds. Imagine what it would be like if I hollowed these baby’s out and filled them with poisons? I can’t put poison in normal explosives, the intense heat and pressure would burn up most poisons or at least render them almost useless. With this, I could use just about anything I can fit in it.”

  Tanyargh furrowed her brow for a moment. “Actually, when you phrase it like that, it IS pretty useful. What do you plan on putting in it though? I didn’t see you find that many different plants yet, and you only managed to find one bush with those burst beans.”

  Puff opened his bag and started rifling through his things, and smiled as he pulled out one of the many pepperwind weeds. “Oh, I’m sure I can think of a few things.”

  ……

  Several miles away, at a nearby goblin village, a lone goblin was running towards the gates as if wolves were at his heels. If the goblins standing guard at the gates were to judge by the lone goblin’s terror-stricken face, that just might be the case.

  When the frightened goblin got within hailing distance, the bigger of the two goblin guards puffed out his chest and stood at attention. “Halt! In name of Chief Rug Lug, uhh you say who you are and why you run!”

  The lone goblin came to a stop and took in great heaving lungfuls of air. “My name be Yak Yak! I need speak to chieftain! Big trouble! Big trouble!”

  The guard looks a little nervous now at the news. “How much big trouble?”

  Yak Yak held his hands out to the side as wide as he could stretch his arms. “This much!”

  Beads of sweat start to form on his brow. “How m-many big trouble?” He stammers.

  Yak Yak has an intense look of concentration as he struggles to work out the answer. He holds all ten of his long bony fingers. “This many!”

  Now the guard starts to shake in his boots. He never heard of that much big trouble in his short life, it must be serious! “G-go! Hurry! Chieftain must hear!”

  Yak Yak rushes through the gates towards the center of the village. When he gets there, he rushes straight up to a hut larger than the others, and decorated in a number of skulls and bones of various creatures. A wolf’s skull hangs menacingly over the doorway. Two more guards stand on either side, one absentmindedly picking his nose. “What you want? Chieftain don’t like being bothered!”

  Yak Yak stomps his feet and stands at attention in the crude goblin equivalent of a salute. “I Yak Yak. Have super important message to give to Chieftain!” The guard opened his mouth to shoo him away when a crude boorish voice sounded out from within the building. “Let him enter!”

  As Yak Yak entered the hut, a wide heavyset goblin sat on a pile of furs and bits of armor. To most people, this would just seem like a random pile of junk and shiny baubles padded with poorly skinned furs and coats, but to any goblin from this tribe setting foot inside, it was the most glorious of thrones. To say otherwise would be incomprehensible.

  Yak Yak threw himself prostrate onto the dirt before the Chieftain who in turn remained silent, waiting for the goblin to make its report. “Great Chief Rug Lug the Mighty! I bring news of big trouble. I afraid tribe might be in trouble, I go scout road like ordered. Entire group killed by many adventurers! I only one that survive. One was like ghosty man! First he there, than he gone. He poke with pointy stick and hurt us! Then there big mountain lady! She smash us before we know what happening! When we tried fight back, there was magic light thing that blind us and make skin burn! I knew they dangerous and wanted to warn mighty Chieftain! I barely escape and run here quick quick!

  There was a long uncomfortable silence as Chief Rug Lug pondered over Yak Yak’s words as he remained on the ground. “So, you run and leave goblins to die. You run from a man, a big lady, and a magic light?” As he spoke Rug Lug’s words sounded more and more furious.

  Yak Yak suddenly realized that he was in trouble and might be killed if he didn’t do anything. Thinking quickly, He decided to try to redirect his Chieftain’s anger away from him. “But Mighty Chieftain they insulted you! They no give honor when they hear your name! I knew you be mad if they escape after saying bad things, so I tell you!”

  “What they say!” Chief Rug Lug immediately focused on the more obvious reason for aggression and forgot about why he had been mad in the first place.

  “I no want to say! It really bad and no want insult Chieftain”

  “Tell me! I know they say it and not you. I smart Chieftain!”

  Yak Yak was smiling on the inside. Not only was he not about to die, but he had the chance to insult his Chieftain to his face and get away with it. Yak Yak immediately thought of the absolute worst thing he could call his Chieftain. “T-they say you pretty! They say you a pretty man!”

  The goblin guards standing outside suddenly heard a roar of rage come from inside. Before they could enter, Chief Rug Lug came rushing out. “Gather our warriors! We hunt adventurers that dare insult me!” As the Chieftain Stomped away rousing the tribe for battle, the two guards wondered why Yak Yak hadn’t come out yet and peeked inside the hut’s door. They were greeted by a goblinoid corpse, its head completely crushed.