Intern’s Log: Of Course It Was Aliens
Date: Redacted
Intern ID: Reynolds, J. (I should have seen this coming.)
You know how, at some point in a conspiracy theory, someone always says, “It was aliens” and everyone rolls their eyes?
Yeah.
Well.
It was aliens.
And I am so incredibly pissed off that I didn’t figure this out sooner.
Phase One: The Discovery (a.k.a. I Was Right to Be Paranoid)
This all started when I was digging through old classified files (because I was trying to find out what the hell Vicky’s three tails mean, and I was avoiding talking to her).
Instead, I found a file labeled “Project Prometheus – Non-Human Intelligence Initiative.”
At first, I thought, Oh great, another secret war crime project, but then I saw the date.
It was older than every uplift project we’ve ever done.
Like, mid-20th century old.
And then I saw the first line:
"Technology acquired from off-world sources. Genetic uplift process considered viable for controlled species manipulation."
Let me repeat that.
OFF-WORLD.
Some suit-wearing moron from the 1950s looked at alien tech and went, "Yeah, let’s use this to make war animals."
Phase Two: The Implications (a.k.a. I Need a Drink)
Okay. Okay. So let’s break this down.
? Uplift technology is NOT human-made.
? It was given to us—or maybe stolen from—an alien source.
? The original plan was to use it on HUMANS.
? Someone decided, "Nah, let’s try it on dogs first."
? And here we are, with an ongoing global animal revolution.
Which means…
? Russia’s war bears? ALIEN TECH.
? China’s disciplined panda warriors? ALIEN TECH.
? Bandit’s terrifying, unstoppable raccoon crime spree? ALIEN TECH.
? Vicky and her unsettlingly charming fox-woman energy? ALIEN TECH.
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? Fen, the rogue wolf-man building a literal werewolf cult in the wilderness? ALIEN TECH.
EVERYTHING.
Phase Three: The Realization (a.k.a. The Aliens Played Themselves)
You know what’s hilarious?
The aliens—whoever they are—thought we’d use this tech on ourselves.
They probably assumed, “Oh, these humans will make themselves smarter, stronger, better.”
No.
Instead, we took the most questionable evolutionary decisions in the animal kingdom and made them apex predators with guns.
And now, the world is on fire.
The aliens underestimated just how stupid we are.
And honestly?
That’s their fault.
Phase Four: The Alien Presence (a.k.a. We Are Definitely Being Watched)
? We intercepted unidentified spacecraft signatures near Earth’s orbit.
? Several scientists have “disappeared” after asking the wrong questions.
? Vicky has started looking at the sky when she thinks no one is watching.
? Bandit stole an encrypted satellite frequency and no one knows why.
? A radio telescope picked up a signal that translated to: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
They are watching.
And they are NOT happy.
I bet they thought we’d create a utopia.
Or a master race.
Or something logical and scientifically sound.
Instead, we made:
? A raccoon dictator with a war crime hobby.
? A literal army of Russian-speaking bears.
? A rogue werewolf warlord.
? Super-soldier fox-women who might be psychic.
? Panda assassins under Chinese military command.
? And whatever the hell is coming next.
The aliens played themselves.
Phase Five: The Future (a.k.a. It’s Too Late to Stop Now)
At this point, there is no turning back.
? The uplifted animals are out there.
? The governments of the world are leaning in.
? The aliens are watching in horror.
? And Bandit is definitely planning something again.
And the worst part?
Vicky smiled at me today and said:
"Reynolds… have you ever wondered if the uplifted were meant to replace humanity?"
I HAVE NOW, VICKY. THANKS.
I don’t know what happens next.
But I do know one thing.
The aliens didn’t think this through.
And now?
They’re stuck with us.
