Intern’s Log: First Contact (a.k.a. Oh God, Oh No, Oh Wow, They’re Hot)

  Date: Redacted

  Intern ID: Reynolds, J. (I am way out of my depth.)

  I woke up in a white room.

  Not a cell. Not a lab.

  Just white. Everywhere.

  No doors. No windows. No way in. No way out.

  And in front of me?

  The aliens.

  And let me tell you something:

  They are unfairly attractive.

  Phase One: The First Look at Our Overlords

  Okay. Let’s break this down before I start panicking (again).

  ? Seven feet tall

  ? Humanoid, but with an eerie level of perfection

  ? Silver-blue skin that looks almost metallic

  ? Eyes that glow with shifting colors (why do they look disappointed in me??)

  ? Long, elegant limbs (they move like predators, but the smug kind)

  ? No visible mouths, but I can hear them in my head (oh no, psychic aliens)

  And the worst part?

  They’re all just staring at me.

  Like I’m the biggest mistake in galactic history.

  Phase Two: The Telepathic Roast Session

  Suddenly, a voice rings in my head.

  But not just any voice.

  A deep, exasperated, utterly disappointed voice.

  "Human."

  Great. We’re starting with contempt. Love that for me.

  I sit up, trying to regain some dignity (failing).

  "Uh. Hi?" I say, because my brain-to-mouth filter is dead.

  "Do you have any idea what you have done?"

  Oh. Oh no.

  They know.

  They KNOW.

  Phase Three: They’re Mad. They’re SO Mad.

  I try to play dumb.

  "Be more specific?"

  Bad move.

  I get full-on blasted with psychic energy.

  Images. Chaos.

  Bandit riding a stolen tank into a Mongolian village, demanding BBQ.

  Vicky practicing her "I am the superior species" smirk in a mirror.

  Fen standing in a blizzard, glowing eyes leading his new wolf cult.

  Russian war bears saluting a giant flag with Bandit’s face on it.

  Chinese panda operatives silently moving through the night like assassins.

  A newspaper clipping: “U.S. Government Denies Involvement in Raccoon-Led Coup.”

  This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it.

  Then, the alien speaks again.

  "We gave you one simple technology."

  "One. Simple. Technology."

  "You could have used it to cure diseases. Expand your minds. End hunger."

  They lean in, eyes burning with barely contained frustration.

  "And instead, you made an ARMY OF FERAL WAR BEASTS."

  …Okay. When they put it like that, yeah. It sounds bad.

  Phase Four: The Moment I Realized We Are Screwed

  I clear my throat. Try to recover.

  "In our defense—"

  "No."

  Ouch.

  "You don’t get to explain. We have watched. We have seen."

  The tallest alien, who I am now calling Captain Hot Disappointment, steps forward.

  "Do you think the galactic community will just ignore this?"

  They wave a hand, and suddenly, a holographic news broadcast appears.

  The headline?

  "Primitive Species Declares Itself Apex Lifeform, Unleashes Bio-Engineered Animal Dictators."

  Oh. Oh NO.

  There’s a whole segment.

  ? A clip of Bandit declaring Mongolian independence.

  ? A Russian bear general giving an intense speech about "Glory to the New Dawn."

  ? A Chinese panda assassin flipping through the air before stabbing a training dummy.

  ? A U.S. senator trying—and failing—to explain why we did this.

  And then?

  The news anchor, a floating jellyfish-looking alien, sighs heavily.

  "And in other news, Earth continues to be the worst."

  The segment ends with galactic diplomats shaking their heads.

  We are a joke.

  Phase Five: The Ultimatum

  I look at Captain Hot Disappointment and try one last time to salvage this.

  "So… are we getting invaded?"

  A pause.

  Then, they sigh.

  "You are not worth the effort."

  Wow. That stings.

  "However."

  "Contain the chaos you have unleashed."

  "Or we will do it for you."

  And then they lean in even closer, and I swear I feel my soul tremble.

  "And if we have to intervene, human?"

  "We will not be… gentle."

  The room vanishes.

  And suddenly—

  I’m back at my desk.

  Like nothing ever happened.

  Phase Six: We’re in So Much Trouble

  ? The aliens are real.

  ? They are NOT happy.

  ? We have officially made Earth the biggest intergalactic embarrassment.

  ? They have given us ONE CHANCE to fix this.

  ? We are definitely going to screw it up.

  And the worst part?

  Vicky was waiting for me when I got back.

  She just smiled and said:

  "Rough meeting?"

  I don’t know how she knows.

  But she knows.

  And I think…

  I think she’s already planning what happens next.