Intern’s Log: Where Are the Female Bears?!
Date: Redacted
Intern ID: Reynolds, J. (I cannot believe this is my job now.)
So.
The Good Boys are preparing for war against an existential, possibly extra-dimensional alien threat.
Meanwhile, Bandit is preparing for war against an existential, entirely biological bear crisis.
Because as previously stated—
? The Russian uplift program only made male bears.
? There are two thousand of them.
? They are highly intelligent, heavily armed, and increasingly aware that they have no future.
And if we do not solve this problem soon, we are about to have a bear insurrection.
So Bandit, in his infinite raccoon wisdom, has given me one mission:
"Find the highest concentration of female bears on Earth."
So now, instead of doing literally anything normal with my life, I am sitting here, in a stolen Russian lab, Googling ‘where do I find female bears’ like a lunatic.
Phase One: The Most Insane Research of My Life
Alright, let’s break this down.
If we are looking for large, viable populations of female bears, we need:
? A stable breeding population
? A strong genetic diversity
? A place Bandit can reasonably steal from without immediately triggering World War III
? Bears that are as close to the Russian uplifted species as possible
Which means, after extensive research (and a lot of swearing), I have narrowed it down to three possible sources.
Option #1: The Kamchatka Peninsula, Russia
? Russia’s largest wild brown bear population.
? Home to over 10,000 bears, with a strong male-to-female ratio.
? Genetically closest to the uplifted bears.
? Logistically the easiest to access, since we’re already operating in Russia.
Pros:
The easiest option.
The least likely to get Bandit nuked.
No international borders to cross.
Cons:
This is stealing bears from the Russian wilderness.
The Russian government might not like that.
The bears might not like that.
We might start a literal Bear Mafia.
Likelihood of success: 7/10
Likelihood of causing another Russian bioengineering disaster: 8/10
Option #2: Alaska, United States
? Over 30,000 wild brown and grizzly bears.
? Similar size and genetic profile to Russian uplifted bears.
? Huge, stable populations in Denali and Kodiak Island.
Pros:
More bears than Russia.
Stronger genetic variety.
Would allow us to introduce American bear genes into the uplifted population.
Cons:
The U.S. government is already mad at Bandit.
If you encounter this tale on Amazon, note that it's taken without the author's consent. Report it.
The U.S. government is already mad at ME.
Stealing bears from Alaska might actually break my last remaining diplomatic ties with normal civilization.
If we mess this up, we are looking at an actual, federal, “The United States vs. Raccoon Warlord Bandit” criminal case.
Likelihood of success: 5/10
Likelihood of ending up on an FBI watchlist: 10/10
Option #3: Zoos and Sanctuaries (International Bear Heist Edition)
? Hundreds of female bears in captivity worldwide.
? Easier to access than the wilderness.
? Would allow for species mixing—grizzlies, black bears, and even polar bears.
Pros:
Much easier to track individual genetic records.
Easier to isolate specific breeding candidates.
Could theoretically be passed off as a “conservation effort” instead of outright bear theft.
Cons:
This would require an international, multi-country zoo heist.
I cannot emphasize this enough: AN INTERNATIONAL ZOO HEIST.
We are not the protagonists of a heist movie, but Bandit would absolutely treat this like one.
If we get caught, this will make headlines. Big, stupid, unmissable headlines.
Likelihood of success: 3/10
Likelihood of me getting arrested in at least three different countries: 11/10
Phase Two: The Part Where I Have to Tell Bandit
I took my finalized bear data and walked back into Bandit’s “office”, where he was very seriously adjusting schematics for his “ideal wife project.”
"Alright, Bandit. I have three options."
He did not look up.
"Do any of them involve seducing a foreign diplomat and blackmailing them for bears?"
"No."
"Fine. Proceed."
I explained each option in painful detail.
Bandit listened.
He thought.
And then, after several agonizing moments, he said:
"Why not all three?"
NO. NO, BANDIT. THAT IS NOT HOW THIS WORKS.
Phase Three: The Only Realistic Solution (Probably)
After much negotiation, Bandit and I have agreed to the following compromise:
? Step One: We start with Kamchatka—the safest, most logistically viable option.
? Step Two: If that fails, we pivot to Alaska, but only if we can do it without triggering an international incident.
? Step Three: We DO NOT attempt an international zoo heist, no matter how many movies Bandit has watched.
(Vicky, for the record, looked very disappointed about this last decision.)
So now?
Now I have to figure out how to steal female bears from the Russian wilderness.
Which means I have officially hit rock bottom.
Final Thoughts (I Hate My Life)
? Bandit is treating this like a logistics operation instead of an insane crime.
? We are somehow avoiding international bear theft (for now).
? If we don’t fix this soon, the bears will revolt.
? Vicky is still watching me suffer with great amusement.
? I am actively planning a bear repopulation effort instead of fighting aliens.
I don’t know how my life came to this.
But I do know one thing.
This?
This is only the beginning.
End Log.
