Intern’s Log: Bandit’s Final (?) Fate

  Date: Redacted

  Intern ID: Reynolds, J. (I should really start looking for a new job.)

  So, remember Bandit? The genetically enhanced raccoon hybrid with the intelligence of a master criminal, the temperament of a caffeine-addicted hacker, and the moral compass of a drunk leprechaun?

  Yeah.

  They caught him.

  Took four months, multiple agencies, and one very confused SWAT team, but they finally did it.

  Here’s how it went down.

  Phase One: The International Crime Spree

  After escaping from the base, Bandit went on a rampage.

  ? Broke into a Pentagon server farm (stole exactly one USB drive, later found containing nothing but memes).

  ? Hijacked a military transport truck (nobody knows how; the driver swears "he just woke up and the raccoon was in charge").

  ? Managed to get on a private jet (still don’t know who owned it, but it was missing a case of caviar upon landing).

  ? Fooled a group of black-market arms dealers into thinking he was an "ex-CIA genetic experiment."

  ? Sold them fake blueprints for a laser weapon (it was actually schematics for a waffle iron).

  ? Disappeared into the Middle East like a tiny, furry Jason Bourne.

  At this point, he had multiple warrants, at least three countries investigating him, and Interpol very politely asking the U.S. what the actual hell was going on.

  Phase Two: The Capture

  We don’t know who sold him out, but after months of chaos, Bandit was finally caught—in Tehran, Iran.

  Yes. Iran.

  We still have no idea how he got there.

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  We just know that:

  Iranian intelligence arrested him in a hotel room under the alias "Rico Bandini" (again, not a joke).

  He had three fake passports (one French, one Brazilian, one Vatican City—because of course he did).

  He was wearing a very small suit.

  That’s when the U.S. State Department had to step in. Because explaining to Iran that the raccoon wasn’t a spy, just an escaped government experiment, was surprisingly difficult.

  Eventually, a deal was reached: Iran agreed to release Bandit under one condition—he never comes back.

  Phase Three: The “Humane Relocation” (a.k.a. What the Hell Were They Thinking?)

  Now, you’d think after catching him, they’d lock him up forever or, I don’t know, put him in a hyper-secure facility with round-the-clock guards.

  No.

  They dropped him off in Iran’s countryside and hoped for the best.

  This was their logic:

  "He’s just a raccoon." (No, he isn’t.)

  "He’ll adapt to the wild." (Like hell he will.)

  "What’s the worst that could happen?" (EVERYTHING.)

  And that’s how Bandit was released into Iran, where he is now presumably doing raccoon war crimes.

  Phase Four: The Aftermath (a.k.a. We All Know He’s Not Done Yet)

  It’s been two months since the drop-off, and we’re already seeing reports.

  ? A sudden rise in "mysterious break-ins" at Iranian military outposts.

  ? A classified drone went missing, later found crashed with "You Suck" spray-painted on the side.

  ? A nuclear research facility suffered a blackout. Cause? "Unknown infiltration."

  ? Local farmers report a "tiny bandit" leading groups of stray dogs in coordinated raids.

  ? One highly confused Iranian soldier swears he saw a raccoon smoking a cigar and counting stolen gold.

  Officially, the U.S. denies everything.

  Unofficially? The Pentagon has a new file labeled "Operation Procyon: Feral Edition."

  They know he’s still out there.

  And they know he’s plotting.

  God help us all.