Intern’s Log: Evelyn Just Learned My First Name, and Now Everyone Knows

  Date: [Embarrassed]

  Intern ID: Reynolds, J. (This is the worst day of my life.)

  So.

  I got married today.

  That should be the headline.

  That should be the most important part of my day.

  But no.

  Because Evelyn just learned my full name.

  And now everyone knows.

  Including Goldie, who stopped the entire ceremony to confirm I wasn’t playing a prank on her.

  I was not.

  Because my real, legal first name is Jehoshebaiah.

  I wish I was joking.

  I wish I could say I was pranking a ten-foot-tall war bear during my own wedding.

  But no.

  This is my life.

  Phase One: The Moment Everything Fell Apart

  Goldie was mid-sentence.

  The wedding was going smoothly.

  And then she paused.

  Frowned.

  Looked at me.

  "…Jehoshebaiah?"

  The entire church went silent.

  I felt actual physical heat rush to my face.

  And before I could stop it—

  Evelyn gasped.

  Loudly.

  Dramatically.

  Like she had just discovered the biggest scandal of the century.

  "Oh my GOD, REYNOLDS!"

  Phase Two: The Interrogation in the Middle of My Own Wedding

  Goldie’s eyes narrowed.

  "Reynolds. Is this a prank?"

  She sounded concerned.

  Like this was a test of honor and integrity.

  Like I had personally insulted her trust.

  I panicked.

  "Goldie, I swear to god, it’s real!"

  She squinted harder.

  "You are telling me you were named Jehoshebaiah by your human parents?"

  "YES."

  "…And you expect me to believe this?"

  "I CAN’T EVEN PRONOUNCE IT, GOLDIE!"

  Evelyn was laughing so hard she was actually crying.

  Phase Three: Evelyn Betrays Me in Front of a World Audience

  This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.

  Evelyn, my wife, my life partner, the person I am supposed to trust above all others,

  was now fully doubled over in her wedding dress, wheezing.

  "OH, SWEETHEART," she gasped, tears in her eyes.

  "HOW HAVE YOU NEVER TOLD ME THIS?!"

  "BECAUSE I DON’T USE IT!"

  Bandit, who was already smug before this revelation, was now sitting back in his chair like he had just won the lottery.

  "This is the greatest day of my life," he muttered.

  Goldie, finally convinced I was not pranking her, just nodded solemnly.

  "A warrior should never hide his name, Reynolds."

  "I WAS TRYING TO HIDE FROM IT, GOLDIE!"

  Phase Four: My Parents Did This to Me on Purpose

  "How did this happen?" Evelyn finally asked, still grinning.

  I sighed.

  Rubbed my temples.

  And muttered:

  "My parents were both on painkillers at the time."

  Silence.

  Then Vicky choked on her wine.

  "EXCUSE ME?"

  I exhaled sharply.

  "Dad had a broken arm. Mom was in labor. Apparently, in their drugged-out stupor, they decided it would be hilarious to pick a biblical name no one could pronounce."

  Bandit actually slid out of his chair laughing.

  Goldie nodded like this was a tragic tale of war and suffering.

  "A cruel fate indeed."

  I am never recovering from this.

  Phase Five: The Wedding Continues, but I Am Forever Changed

  Goldie finally shook her head.

  "Very well. We will proceed."

  The ceremony resumed.

  But it didn’t matter.

  Because now the most powerful people on the planet, extraterrestrial observers, and uplifted species leaders all knew my secret.

  And I would never live it down.

  Evelyn leaned in close.

  "I love you, Jehoshebaiah."

  I groaned.

  "Do not start."

  "Oh, I’m never letting this go, sweetheart."

  Great. Just great.

  Final Thoughts (I Will Never Escape This Name)

  ? I got married.

  ? But my real first name was exposed.

  ? Evelyn is never letting me forget it.

  ? Bandit now has eternal blackmail material.

  ? I may have to move to another country.

  I don’t know what happens next.

  But I do know this—

  I should have used a fake ID years ago.

  End Log.