Fuck you Timmy! Fuck YOU!

  Timmy: Cannot feel insulted because he lacks an emotional module!

  *BZZT!*

  You do not have enough remaining funds to purchase one!

  GRRR!

  Bleah...anyway…

  Let’s see the rest...

  I tap on the ? and I am immediately hit by a wall of text.

  Geez man, TLDR!

  I close it back down immediately.

  Ok...calm down...I knew it was going to be like this...patience…

  Let’s try that again...

  Arrrghblargl! Eyeburn!

  Phew...ok...that was long…

  I can’t even begin to think how I am going to handle all of these from now on.

  Ah...what’s this option here?

  Auto-Stats allocation upon level up: Enabled?

  AW HELL NO!

  Timmy, you are disallowed from messing around with my stats and skills you hear! No auto-allocation! Bad Timmy!

  Timmy: Auto-Stats allocation upon level up: Disabled

  Timmy: Auto-Skill allocation upon level up: Disabled

  Phew...I’m glad I caught that one in time before I started leveling

  ....

  While I was inspecting my long-ass attribute list, I heard the two figures come back:

  "...the obedience nails have barely been implanted inside of their heads, it will take a few more days for the control matrix to permanently take hold over their minds. This is just one of those things that we cannot rush, no matter how hard I might try. Otherwise, we might wind up with another batch of rebellious clones, and you should remember just as well as I do how bad that whole thing ended the last time it happened!"

  "Hrr...I acknowledge the problems that you are facing, but we simply do not have the time to improve these subjects any further. The Hero is going to be arriving here any day now, so these clones might very well be our last chance to stand up against him. Otherwise, the entire mountain side is going to get incinerated with the rays of the Sun. I want these clones out of the vats by tomorrow's evening, and completely functional within two days, do I make myself clear? We will probably only have only two or three more days to train them in the secret techniques of Hero Beguilement before they will have to be put to work."

  "Yes, Senior!"

  After that, the two cultivators departed, leaving me alone to ponder in silence. Come to think of it, what the hell was that “nail” thing that they kept talking about?

  Sure enough, I try to feel around my body for irregularities, and I discover that at the base of my cranium there is a sharp thing implanted deep inside of my skull.This is probably that “obedience nail” that they were talking about, which is probably the tool that they generally use to control their minions with.

  I turn my sight to the inner mind, and I notice that the sinister looking nail-thing is extending black spiritual tendrils closer and closer to my broccoli-roots.

  I am overwhelmed by the feeling that if I let those tendrils hit my spiritual roots, I will forever become a slave of this insane Demonic sect!

  Which dumbass decided that the spiritual roots should be placed inside of the head in the first place, eh?

  Timmy: While creating the “cultivator” character template, it was voted by 53.5% of the clients that the roots should be placed inside of the head, where the pineal gland is located at.

  Damnit!

  I have to find some way to move my roots away from the path of that nail! Maybe I can persuade my roots to grow some legs and run away like a treant?

  Actually, that gives me an idea!

  If that nail can extend those creepy ass tendrils all over the place, then why can't I do the same thing?

  I try to persuade my roots to grow some of those tendrils, to no avail.

  Apparently, I cannot manipulate my roots as much as I would like.

  Ok let us see, what other options do we have around here?

  I try to shake my entire body and meridian system, to see if anything might budge. The only place that I got a response from was somewhere beneath my navel. Well, isn't that where the dantian is supposed to be?

  I turn my attention to my dantian.

  The damn thing is like an empty soap bubble. No wonder that the Chinese called it the Dan(Pill/Essence) Tian(Field). Inside, I can spot a barely-noticeable haze of a white-ish substance. I’m going to assume that the white stuff is my current Qi. It’s not much, and my Qi Regeneration is disabled by this damn “nail” thing.

  I try to move the Qi around my dantian, but it feels like pushing water in a cup using a fork.

  Why the hell can that “nail” already have moving tentacles and I can’t? No fair!

  Actually, I take a closer look at the structure of the tentacles from the “nail”, maybe I can use them as my base of inspiration. They look like long strings of Qi woven together.

  Ok, so that’s +1 for String Theory then.

  Let’s see if I can pull any string-like things out of my dantian.

  I spend the next two hours just pointlessly agitating around the Qi in my dantian to no avail. It's like trying to scoop up fog with my palms, it just seeps away in an instant.

  The dantian is a weird organ. Whatever that misty Qi thing that currently resides inside is, it apparently responds to my mental commands. The steam-like substance shifts according to my mental directions, except that it moves like a depressed sloth recently pumped up full of tranquilizers. Slooooooow and uncoordinated!

  Instead of picking out individual hair strands, it feels like I'm moving the entire hairdo.

  It's double annoying because the only things that might actually be able to interact with my roots are these strand/tendril-like things.

  How does one learn how to use an organ that they had never owned before?

  For now, it feels like learning how to ride a bike, and I'm hitting the pavement with my face every minute or so.

  Still, I persist.

  I try and push all of the suspicious substance towards only one section of the whole dantian, along the back. It does move, but very slowly.

  In the end, I wind bundling the whole mist in only one section of the dantian, and it indeed looks more “dense” when pushed together. It now feels like I’m now playing with putty, instead of manipulating steam. The problem is that it refuses to stay put, and I’m forced over and over again to squeeze it together. It’s annoying and it takes 100% of all of my attention.

  I quickly remember an advice from my grade school, that my art teacher gave me about using oil paints, which felt similar to the current state of my Qi, and that’s to grab a very small part and yank it in a direction really, really fast, to create a hair follicle-like trail.

  I put like 150% of my mind’s effort to work, and then grab the smallest piece of Qi that I could feel, and accelerate it towards the opposing wall of the dantian.

  The result was...decent. It smeared and extended, but the drag speed had not been fast enough, so it was more like an extended stain, rather than a hair follicle.

  Still, I was making progress, and I had found a somewhat working solution.

  I squished it back, then tried again.

  And again...and again….

  After a few hours, I had figured out the proper method to extend my qi into hair-like strands.

  Now came the hard part...having more than one strand active at the same time, and weaving them together.

  A few more hours of what felt to me like burning my brains on a stove passed immediately. Everytime I would fuck up, I would also take a quick moment to check on the progress of those black tendrils from the “nail”, which were slowly encroaching arround my spiritual roots. Some of the smaller tendrils had already reached the root stems on the fringe, and were starting to intertwine with them.

  I knew that I was now running against the clock.

  I furiously began to yank out Qi strands out of my Qi condensate. After I had a bunch of them, I would weave them around eachother like brading a girl’s hair, and they would remain extended that way. They were still slow to move, but I could now more or less have some leeway when it came to internal manipulation.

  The system seemed to agree too…

  Timmy: You have unlocked [Basic Internal Qi Manipulation Skill]. The progress bar for the skill has been added to the statistics menus.

  After a couple more hours of practice, I now had 3 woven tendrils of different lengths that I could play with. The first one had been the shortest and thickest, since it had been only experimental. The second one was slightly longer, and I was still not satisfied with it. The third one though, had become a lot, lot longer though, coiling around the entire diameter of the dantian a few times over. It was more “rope” than tendril, and it was exactly what I needed.

  I immediately began to try and extend my “rope” towards the roots in my head, but I ran into the wall of the dantian. I knew that I had a large meridian running along the length of my spine, then all the way inside of my head. I could feel it very distinctly. Yet I was unable to access it with my Qi “tendril”. The border where the meridian was connecting itself with the dantian seemed blocked, like a membrane had been set inbetween the two that prevented free circulation. Looking around at the other portions of the spherical dantian, there were also many other “conduits” that were leaving towards different places as well, and they had all been blocked in a similar fashion. Those were probably the main meridian pathways for the other organs and limbs, I reckoned.

  Was this what the cultivators aimed at when they talked about “having a breakthrough?” Were they all being literal?

  Did I have to puncture that protective membrane to access my spinal meridian now?

  That...seemed...so invasive!

  I felt like I was now supposed to take my own virginity, except several times in a row!

  I moved my second-attempt woven tendril for this job, since it wasn't too thick or thin, long or short to do the job, so I began poking with the sharp end at the membrane between the dantian and the spinal meridian.

  It stretched like a rubber when I poked it, and it also felt very, very uncomfortable in a way that is very hard to describe.

  It took a few pokes and prods before I managed to grit my teeth and attack the membrane in full force.

  It began to stretch inside the meridian portion longer and longer, like it was a condom, but I furiously pushed against it with my woven tendril until it could hold no longer, and burst open with a pop.

  I immediately felt an immense wave of indescribable pressure but also pure bliss, like a dam had burst open inside of me and all of the water was rushing upwards along my spine. Which, I guess, was partially correct, because the steamy Qi from my dantian was now invading the whole length of the spinal meridian and enlarging it slightly.

  Timmy: Congratulations! You have now successfully opened your [Cerebrospinal Meridian].

  Timmy: For successfully opening a Major Meridian, You have gained 500 Cultivation Experience. Your cultivation level has been raised by 1 stage.

  Timmy: You are now [Qi Refinement Stage 2]

  Timmy: You have leveled up!

  Timmy: You are now [Level 1]

  Timmy: 5 Unassigned Attribute points and 1 Unassigned Skill Point have been awarded

  Fuck yeah! Not even out of the pod, and I already raised my cultivation by 1 stage!

  I should pat myself on the back, if I had any time!

  Except I don’t, since the fucking “nail” tendrils are getting too close to my roots for comfort!

  Back to work, Me!

  I try to extend my third “rope-like” tendril inside the spinal meridian, but it does not quite fit, being slightly thicker. Since I had noticed the meridian walls widen when the barrier had first burst, I wondered if I would be able to forcibly stretch them a little bit, so that the “rope” tendrill would fit inside. I begin to shove that “rope” tendrill up the spinal meridian like a crazed man.

  It does not want to go in, but I compare the process to more unconventional forms or fornication involving the stern of the ship, where you have to put it in and hold it there until it slides down further. Not that I would personally know anything about that, I only saw it a few times on my PC! It was for research purposes, I swear!

  Anyway, applying the logic of the above method, my “rope” tendrill slowly begins to slide up the spinal meridian, and widen the path.

  The whole process felt super uncomfortable, like being assaulted by a whole pirate crew inside the aforementioned stern of the ship.

  Still, in the end I manage to reach the top section of the spinal meridian, and meet the next obstacle. The membrane separating the “crown” dantian away from the cerebrospinal meridian stood in my way. If I remember correctly, Humans had three dantians: the base one, the lower “origin” dantian below the navel, the second dantian in the chest which was the heart dantian, and the third one in the head which was the mind/crown dantian.

  I knew what I had to do, so I immediately grit my teeth, and pushed hard. The “rope” tendrill was much thinner, which made it less strong, so I had to push a lot harder on it to stretch the membrane, which made it insanely painful. Not to mention that I was now getting a hell of a headache from overtaxing my brain and assaulting my crown dantian.

  Timmy: Your attribute [Pain Endurance] has increased by 2.5%

  At least there were some gains out of this whole ordeal.

  Ok, one last push!

  Huarghblahgrblarbl!!!

  Pop!

  The border between the crown dantian and the cerebrospinal meridian burst into pieces, and I felt the pain die off instantly. A feeling of extreme exhilaration overcame me, as my crown dantian suddenly got flooded with the meager “steamy” Qi from my lower dantian. If orgasm was 100%, then this had been 500%. No wonder some of these people got addicted to cultivation!

  Timmy: Congratulations! You have now successfully opened your [Crown Dantian].

  Timmy: For connecting your [Lower Dantian] with your [Crown Dantian], You have gained 1500 Cultivation Experience. You have advanced 1 cultivation stage.

  Timmy: You are now [Qi Refinement Stage 3]

  Timmy: You have leveled up!

  Timmy: You are now [Level 2]

  Timmy: 5 Unassigned Attribute points and 1 Unassigned Skill Point have been awarded

  Everything in the world suddenly became more clear! I could sense my surroundings better, think faster, react faster. Apparently, the presence of Qi did wonders for the internal processing power of the brain!

  After allowing myself to get distracted by the overwhelming sensation for a brief moment, I began to refocus.

  I was still in deep shit, as the “nail” was still encroaching upon my roots further and further.

  The first thing that I tried, was to attempt to move the black tendrils belonging to the “nail” away from my roots using my Qi “rope”. Unfortunately, whatever force was propelling them inside of my brain was also making the black tendrils incredibly resilient, and I failed several times in a row at trying to move them. They would just not budge at all!

  Well, if I cannot move the black tendrils, then what about the roots themselves?

  I wrap my Qi “rope” tendril tenderly around my spiritual roots, and I attempt to move them gently.

  Well, my “gentle” level of force might have been a little out of whack after pushing through two dantian membranes, because as soon as I attempted to nudge the roots, I felt a few of the root-stems crack up and snap, similar to when you harvest a carrot up from the earth. Instantly, the whole root stem system went pop, and jumped right out of the middle of the crown dantian.

  Shit, wasn’t moving those a little too easy?

  *BLARING ALERT NOISE*

  Timmy: Major Warning!!!

  Your spiritual roots have been damaged!!!

  Your cultivation has been lowered by 0.2455456%

  Your spiritual roots are leaking out energy, and will be destroyed within: 1minute, 23seconds.

  OH SHIT! OH FUCK!

  WHAT DO I DO NOW?

  I grab the “hot potato” root stem formation, then I pull the whole thing hard and down along my spine, by dragging it down through the “elevator tube” of my spinal meridian. I force the root stem formation all the way to the ground of my lower dantian, then I plant the roots down strongly, right into the center of the dantian “bubble”, almost like sticking a dagger into the ground.

  Agonising pain overwhelms me, but after about 15 minutes or so of painful cringing, I feel the hurt diminish down a little bit, allowing me to look at the results.

  Sure enough, the broccoli-like roots were now sticking out of the center of my lower dantian, like they had been there their whole life.

  The system also pops up to acknowledge my success.

  Timmy: Congratulations!

  You have successfully transplanted your spiritual roots to your lower dantian.

  Some of your cultivation has been lost during the process.

  For successfully pulling off a feat that only an insane idiot would attempt, you have been awarded the following achievements:

  [What does not kill you, Makes you stronger]: Every time you succeed in an attempt while below 5% of your hitpoints, or by using less than 5% of the resources required to normally make an item in case of crafting, your overall stats, related resource pool or associated skill levels will permanently increase by 1%.

  [Root Gardener]: You treat your spiritual roots like your very own bonsai. You may now shape or mould your spiritual roots any way you want them to be. You may graft extra spiritual branches from other compatible roots to your already existing ones.

  Compatible root types: All of them!

  Since your base root is of a neutral attribute, it can accept any other type of roots grafted onto it.

  Timmy: Your [Cerebrospinal Meridian] has been slightly damaged! This may result in complications further down the line. Your total Qi regeneration has been lowered by 20%. Passive Qi regeneration has been disabled. Find a way to patch it up or heal it. I recommend duct tape and chewing gum for now.

  Timmy: [What does not kill you, Makes you stronger] activated once!

  Your total stats have now increased by 1% each.

  Phew! Well, that sucked!

  Wait! I can feel something…

  Haha! NO WAY!

  I can move my limbs now!

  I’m not paralyzed anymore!

  Allright, time to get the fuck outside of this tank and away from this place.

  Hmm...how the hell do I open this? There's no handle or control buttons!

  Am I stuck inside this pod?

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