An Accountant Isekai special: Who is deadliest?

  King Eduard the Defenestrator and Queen Hildoara of Greenrivers found themselves in a room with Voivode Dalv Sepet of Weltai and Queen Hildoara of Vandalland. There was a crystal ball in front of them.

  "So, King Eduard, what did you call us together for?" Hildoara asked.

  "A command from the gods. Specifically, Greenrivers' patron god, D?é??om," he answered.

  "And Krewh too," Dalv added. "Though he's doing this as a favor to D?é??om."

  Queen Hildoara nodded. Though nervousness had settled into her.

  "What would the gods have of us?" she questioned.

  King Eduard pointed at the crystal ball.

  "Ever since that strange, dreaming incident, D?é??om wished for us to learn of alternate worlds. And he found a show of sorts from another world that should give us an idea of it: Deadliest Warrior," he explained. "In it, they take two warriors from that world's history and make a hypothetical duel to the death between them. D?é??om has shown me every episode of it. It does not seem very accurate, but it at least should give us some information."

  "What world is it from?" Hildoara wondered.

  "One that D?é??om's apparently been telling Saint Gustav about for years," King Eduard said.

  Dalv's neutral expression perked up when he heard about that. Queen Eleanor placed a hand on her chin.

  "Eduard, what sort of warriors do they have on this show?" she asked.

  "All sorts. There's everything from normal soldiers from places called India and Rome to famous generals of that world. Men with such incredible titles as Alexander the Great and Vlad the Impaler."

  Now, Dalv's interest was peaked. Krewh had told him little, but the vampire was quite intrigued now.

  "The Impaler? That sounds like what Dalv does to his enemies," Hildoara said.

  "Very much like that," Dalv replied. "I wish my wife could be here to see this. But alas, one of us has to stay in Weltai."

  King Eduard shook his head.

  "My apologies, Dalv, but we are not watching the...episode, I think it's called, with Vlad the Impaler," he stated.

  Disappointment pulsed through Dalv. But he didn't let it show.

  "Oh. Then, which episode are we watching?" the Voivode asked.

  "Joan of Arc vs. William the Conqueror. D?é??om recommended it."

  A dumbfounded expression crossed Dalv's face.

  "The Maid of Orleans against William I?" Dalv shook his head. "That doesn't make any chance. Jeanne d'Arc didn't personally fight anyone. She was a commander, not a warrior. And if this is an army-on-army battle, the technological difference alone is staggering. I doubt William I's armor could withstand any of her ranged weapons, much less..."

  Dalv stopped. He noticed that all eyes were on him.

  "Krewh told me about that world too," Dalv lied. "Also, an interesting bit of trivia. Vlad Dracula was born the year Jeanne d'Arc died."

  "Well...I suppose we should just...watch the episode?" Queen Hildoara couldn't hide the hesitation in her voice.

  "Yes. Let's get started," King Eduard nodded, sending magical energy into the crystal ball.

  To their utter shock, Saint Sir Gustav, Lord von Blitzburg's face appeared on it.

  "Is this thing on?" Gustav asked.

  "It's on, My Lord," Johannes' voice came from outside the viewing area. "Ummm...but should you really ask that?"

  Gustav shrugged.

  "I'll have Donnie edit this part out in post-production," he said.

  Then, Gustav made a grand gesture.

  "Now, for Deadliest Warrior!" the saint declared.

  Hildoara, looking at the screen, had an expression of confusion on her face.

  "King Eduard, is my fiance normally part of this show?" she asked.

  "No," the monarch answered. "I fear D?é??om's nature as a trickster god is showing."

  Hildoara clamped her mouth shut. Queen Eleanor seemed to notice what she wanted to ask.

  "The oldest legends of Greenrivers speak of D?é??om as a trickster god. I wouldn't expect anyone from outside of my kingdom to know them," Eleanor explained.

  Back on the screen, it became clear that Gustav was in a field. He walked over to a very high-quality painting of a woman wearing plate armor.

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  "In this corner, we have the savior of France, the Maid of Orleans, the Saint of Yahweh, the woman who heard the voice of God, Jeanne d'Arc," Gustav said.

  Then, he walked over to a stick figure drawing of a fat guy with a beard.

  "And in this corner, we have the fat loser who ruined England for everyone forever. And yes, he even ruined it for the English. Give a big boo to William the Bastard."

  Astrid's voice came from off-screen.

  "My Lord, I think you might be a bit too biased to host this," she cautioned.

  "Nonsense, I'm not too biased," Gustav waved it off.

  Back outside of the screen, Queen Eleanor entered deep contemplation.

  "Why would Gustav be biased in favor of this Joan person?" she pondered.

  "Well..." Hildoara recalled the letters she received from the saint in question. "William probably drank a lot of tea."

  Back inside of the screen, Gustav clapped his hands together.

  "Now, cut to their stats," he said.

  The image of Jeanne appeared. On it were several pieces of writing:

  Circa: 1431 AD.

  Age: 19.

  Height: 5'2".

  Weight: Don't ask her that! That's rude!

  "As you can see," Gustav's voice came up. "Jeanne has the perfect build for a warrior."

  Everyone watching struggled to contain their laughter. Even King Eduard could barely hold in his chuckles. Then, the crystal ball showed the drawing of William the Conqueror. Pieces of writing appeared on it too.

  Circa: 1087 AD.

  Age: 58.

  Height: 5'10".

  Weight: 5,000,000 American measurement units.

  "As you can see, Wiliam the Bastard is old and fat and stupid," Gustav's voice claimed. "And now, he didn't have magic. So, he actually died of old age and his fat ass exploded after his death."

  Everyone watching, except Hildoara and Dalv, facepalmed. King Eduard sighed.

  "Saint Gustav must really hate King William if he made up something like that," he said.

  "Yes," Queen Eleanor agreed. "A man exploding after his death? What nonsense."

  Dalv held a finger up.

  "While William I did not weigh five million pounds, he did explode after his death," he stated.

  Everyone else looked at the vampire, utterly dumbfounded.

  "H-How?" Hildoara asked.

  "I will explain later," Dalv answered. "Right now, we should keep watching. I wonder just where Gustav is taking this?"

  The crystal ball switched to showing the field again. This time, there were several straw targets in it.

  "It's time for weapon testing!" Gustav declared. "Now, I rigged this dummy to represent the dummy."

  He pointed to a fake human with tiny twigs for arms.

  "And representing Jeanne will be Dame Joanna Smed," the saint said.

  Joanna walked over, sighing.

  "My Lord, did Jeanne use magic?" she asked.

  "No, she did not," Gustav answered.

  "Then, don't you think it's a little unfair if I represent her for the weapon testing?" Joanna questioned. "I can boost my strength incredibly high with magic."

  Gustav nodded.

  "That's a good point, Joanna. You shouldn't represent Jeanne," he said.

  "Thank the gods," the wet nurse breathed a sigh of relief.

  "Dr. Minos, get over here," Gustav called out. "You're representing Jeanne d'Arc. Your strength is all-natural. No magic there."

  Queen Hildoara dared to speak up.

  "Are there any non-magical humans who are stronger than a bull minotaur?" she asked.

  "No," King Eduard answered.

  And they didn't know it, but even with magic, Joanna was not as strong as Dr. Minos.

  In the testing, Gustav placed the William the Conqueror dummy next to a target. He placed a sword in the sticks that it was using for arms. Predictably, the stick arms just fell to the ground and the sword barely scratched its target.

  "Wow! Look at that!" Gustav said. "It seems that William the Bastard has a sword that can't do much damag...okay, that's too crazy even for me. Just because the guy who uses a weapon sucks doesn't mean the weapon is bad."

  Watching it, King Eduard, Queen Eleanor, Queen Hildoara, and Voivode Dalv breathed collective sighs of relief. They were glad to know that Gustav's insanity had at least some limits.

  Back at the film, Gustav shook his head.

  "It looks like William the Bastard is too weak to do any real damage!"

  Then, Gustav stepped aside from the target.

  "Dr. Minos, over here," he called.

  The massive minotaur, taller than any human, with hulking muscles, walked over to the target. He had Astrid's greatsword and was carrying it in one hand. Dr. Minos cut the target in half with a single swing.

  "Wow! Destroyed in one hit!" Gustav nodded. "Now, time to put this test data in the crystal ball!"

  He then pulled out a completely different crystal ball to the one he was being recorded on. Queen Hildoara blinked in shock when she saw what Gustav was doing.

  "That's Age of Conquerors 4!" she said.

  "What?" King Eduard asked.

  Both he and his wife seemed confused. A slight hint of satisfaction flashed through Hildoara that she knew something they didn't and got to explain something. However, that was diminished by the fact that her bit of knowledge was minor.

  "Age of Conquerors 4," Queen Hildoara explained. "It's a crystal ball strategy game."

  She then narrowed her eyes, looking further at the game Gustav brought up.

  "No, wait, that's not Age of Conquerors 4. It's a cheap knockoff of Age of Conquerors 4," Queen Hildoara said.

  In the footage, Gustav explained what he was doing.

  "To keep a lucky shot from deciding the fight, I'm putting all the data I gathered over these three days of testing into this hyper-advanced crystal ball simulation."

  Dalv shook his head.

  "There is no way Gustav spent three days testing this," he said.

  "Yes. He wouldn't waste that much time," Queen Hildoara agreed. "And I wouldn't call that knockoff hyper-advanced. Even the proper Age of Conquerors 4 is pretty primitive compared to modern games."

  Dalv shrugged.

  "I'm not very familiar with the Age of Conquerors series. I'm a bigger fan of Dawn of Kingdoms," the Voivode stated.

  King Eduard and Queen Eleanor were both completely lost. So, they just focused on the footage on the crystal ball. In it, Gustav pressed his finger against the orb in his hands.

  "And done," he said. "We can start the simulation now."

  He then turned towards the screen.

  "That means this is the part where we cut to the footage of the 'simulated' battle."

  The crystal ball cut from Gustav talking to an image of Castle Blitzburg, which would normally be surrounded by the City of Blitzburg. However, pictures of hills were tied to the various buildings in a poor attempt at disguising this.

  A string came down from the sky with a picture of the stick figure fat guy on it. Gustav's voice, making sure to sound soft and weak, came out of the picture.

  "Hello! I am William the Bastard! I've already ruined England, so now I'm going to ruin France!"

  Then, a picture of Jeanne d'Arc was brought down on a string. It shot lasers out of its eyes and the 'William the Conqueror' image exploded.

  The crystal ball cut to Gustav.

  "Out of 1,000 battles, Jeanne d'Arc wins 1,000 battles. Her laser eyes killed William the Bastard every time," Gustav said.

  King Eduard turned off the crystal ball.

  "As honored as I am that D?é??om showed me his trickster side, that was complete nonsense," he stated.

  "Yes," Queen Eleanor agreed. "How can someone even shoot lasers from their eyes without magic?"

  "Well, at least it was pretty funny," Queen Hildoara said.

  Dalv sighed and shook his head.

  "Gustav must have been furious that Jeanne d'Arc lost in the original show," he stated.

  A strange expression crossed King Eduard's face. It seemed that he was finishing thinking about something that he found quite odd.

  "She didn't lose," the ruler of Greenrivers explained. "The show said she would defeat William the Conqueror."

  Battled expressions crossed the faces of everyone else in the room, except Hildoara, who had already figured out that Gustav hated William for reasons unconnected to the show.

  As for Queen Eleanor and Voivode Dalv, only one question was in their minds:

  Why?