I awoke inside a sleeping bag, but I held on to hope. Maybe once I opened my eyes this would all turn out to be a wacky dream, like the one where I visited some puppet friends I used to hang out with, and they'd turned their hangout spot into a space-themed café with nightly interactive puppet shows, and they wouldn't talk about the old times because it was out of character, even though my pockets were overflowing with friendship spaghetti.

  Anyway.

  I opened my eyes.

  "Good morning," Khan Zoomer said. He'd transformed my arm back into his body so he could eat an entire pineapple.

  I closed my eyes. "Crap."

  Gateway's southwest corner had a room for online orders, and someone had dragged me in there while I slept. Kara, Chaz, and Lex were asleep in their own sleeping bags nearby. Lex looked uncomfortable, like she was having a nightmare.

  [ STATUS

  TIME: Day 2, 6:30 AM

  CUSTOMERS: 687/1167

  ODDBOTZ: 122/687 ]

  I hadn't had a full night's sleep, but my body had woken up for work out of habit anyway. This bothered me for about three seconds, before I realised that two dozen people and some OddBotz were missing.

  What the hell happened last night?

  I stumbled outside. Those who couldn't sleep or were cursed to be morning people were already awake. Cosmo was serving breakfast in the bakery section.

  "Morning, Will. Juice?"

  "Yes, please. Did I miss anything?"

  Cosmo filled a paper cup. "Well, there was a fight over pasta. Then everyone came back, and we all high-fived and went to bed."

  "Any deaths?"

  "No. I heard the raid went well!"

  Someone elsewhere in the mall must have tried a Lair and screwed it up. I hoped those fast food guys were okay.

  "You should come to the next one, man."

  "I think I will. Here's your mango."

  I sipped my juice and left to check outside, stepping gingerly around the teens passed out on the floor of the bottle shop. There were no shoplins in the plaza. Even the sky visible through the ceiling was more inviting.

  I cautiously headed for the Level Two toilets, checking my notifications on the way. I had a few private messages waiting for me.

  hentai_feet.mp4 Today at 1:45 AM

  Hey. Sorry we didn't stay.

  Stop by Bullseye when you can. The guy in charge here wants to discuss food, and some of us are thinking of moving downstairs. We can bring archers if you're keen.

  It's Reggie Today at 6:03 AM

  Hey cuz, it's Reg. Good job last night. We tucked you in!

  Harmony says that from now on she's not coming to Gateway on food runs. Last night some guy kept following her around and asking for flour. She's still mad about it.

  Drop by when you're free. We set up a shower in the toilets if you need it. Bring some flour, it'll be funny!

  Harm Today at 6:05 AM

  Seriously, what's wrong with your store?

  Hugh tried to enter the car park last night because his phone told him to. I dragged him back inside, but now he's wandered off again. If you see him, can you tell him I need another list of ideas and see if that gets him to come back?

  Actually, tell him to talk to Reg. Or Manaia. Literally anybody but me is fine.

  I took Reg's advice and hit the Level Two toilets first. The mall's bathrooms had received a fancy upgrade a few years ago with terrazzo and timber fixtures, downlights, and greenery above the sinks; it was like shitting in the Opera House. The effect was spoiled a little by Reg's "shower": a bucket, a garden hose connected to a sink with an adapter, and some baskets of soap and shampoo. I did the best I could.

  By the time I returned to Gateway, it was seven. A jingle marked the hour, and Zeddie's head appeared above the self-service checkout.

  "Gooood morning, shoppers! It is now seven AM, TMT! That's Tutorial Mall Time!"

  I heard a gasp from the online ordering room as the noise startled Lex awake. Kara stumbled out first, hurriedly putting her jacket on.

  "What's happening?! Oh, hi Zeddie."

  "I said, it's now seven AM," Zeddie said a little louder. Cheesy muzak began to play through every speaker in the store, even Deadphones. I could hear people groaning and children crying in the back rooms.

  "Morning, Zeddie," I said, yawning. "What's up?"

  "I'm glad you asked," Zeddie continued. His voice echoed in the back as well. "It's officially Day Two of the tutorial! I'll go ahead and give you all one minute to wake up."

  It actually took three, but I was impressed at how quickly everybody obeyed. Being able to turn people into laundry powder was great for motivation.

  Once he had our attention, Zeddie continued. "First, let's see how you're all doing..."

  The status window appeared in the air. The survivor count hadn't lowered since I looked, thankfully.

  Zeddie smiled. "Not bad at all! Above average, in fact."

  "Nearly five hundred dead is above average?" Chaz asked.

  Enjoying this book? Seek out the original to ensure the author gets credit.

  As usual, Zeddie ignored questions. "And since you all survived until morning, here's a fun bonus for you."

  Zeddie's head briefly glitched out, and in its place was a 3D rendition of an instant-film photograph. The photo itself was a mind-blowingly tasteless riff on Saigon Execution; the Viet Cong captain had been replaced by a man with Zeddie's head and a sequin suit, giving an enthusiastic double thumbs-up to the photographer.

  "Enjoy this reward from our sponsor, WARCRIMES!" the man said. The photo exploded with a bang.

  [ Welcome To The ZETTAMALL?, Part 2

  Survive Day 1 of the tutorial.

  Reward: +1 WARCRIMES Sponsored Upgrade Key ]

  [ A WARCRIMES Sponsored Upgrade Key! If you use this key to open a Bronze- or Silver-rank crate, the crate will rank up first. Choose wisely! ]

  Zeddie's head returned. Nobody said anything for a few moments.

  Kara spoke first. "What the fuck was that?"

  "That key will serve you well today, because it's time for Day Two content!" Zeddie continued. "At eleven AM TMT the barriers will lower, allowing you access to other areas of this mall! This should make it easier to qualify for the next round of OddBotz selection, at noon exactly! And that's not all! When OddBotz selection ends, new content will become available!"

  Cheap CGI shoplins appeared around him. As he continued to talk they were joined by mysterious, indistinct wireframe models: wolves, bats, taller humanoids.

  "By now, you should be familiar with the basic opponents of this tutorial. Starting today, they'll be joined by new opponents! These ones will test your ability to work together, and more importantly, handle your new ZETTAMALL? products!"

  I stared at the wireframes. The human-shaped ones were bigger than the shoplins. Some were worryingly ripped, even in low-res.

  The crowd murmured. People were getting restless again.

  Zeddie glitch-grinned and continued. "And that's still not all! As of now, item shops will appear around the mall. Each one sells different items, but they all offer fantastic deals!"

  "How do we find them?" Chaz asked.

  "You'll know them when you see them, customer. They're not exactly hidden. Don't get too distracted though, because everyone still on level one at noon will die."

  Zeddie turned into a looping explosion effect for a few seconds.

  I blinked. "What do you mean?"

  Zeddie returned. "Oh, my apologies, valued customer. I see the confusion. To be clear, everyone who has not earned enough experience points to advance to customer level two by noon will die. That's your own personal character level, which you can see in your character window. Not Level One of this shopping centre. That's irrelevant."

  A customer raised a hand.

  "Yes, Mister Schafer," Zeddie said.

  "Why do we have to go upstairs? This is bullshit!"

  Zeddie turned him into a chair.

  I cleared my throat. That's not what I was asking, but somehow I didn't feel like correcting him.

  "Die how, sir?"

  "They'll explode," Zeddie said cheerfully. "It packs a punch, so try not to stand next to them. Furthermore, everyone who isn't customer level three after the final round of OddBotz selection will die. That's eight PM. The explosion will be larger. Any questions?"

  People stared at each other, pale. A lot of them had received a few experience points in the initial attack, but had done basically nothing since then, content to let others do the work. They now had five hours to get to fifty points. There we no shoplins left in the plaza.

  "How can we get more experience before then?" I asked. "I think the shoplins stopped coming."

  "Four Lairs remain," Zeddie said. "Until they're cleared, the shoplins won't completely stop coming. You might even find some other paths to experience, if you look hard enough! Here's a hint: the car park remains unconquered."

  Lex started to tremble at the mere suggestion of going back to that hell. Hoo boy.

  Chaz raised a hand. "Are we safe in here?"

  "For now," Zeddie said. "Further information will be available later today. Any more questions before I go?"

  Hands went up across the room.

  "The exits will remain sealed for your comfort and convenience," Zeddie said.

  Hands went down.

  Chaz kept his up. "One more question, uh, sir. Have we been isekai'd?"

  "I'm... not familiar with this term, customer."

  "Isekai is a genre of fiction where the characters get magically transported to another world," Chaz answered. "Has that happened to us?"

  "Magic is out of season, sir." Zeddie winked. "I have other business to attend to, but I'll return when the barriers open. In the meantime, please enjoy your shopping experience. ZETTAMALL?: Shop Your Face Off!"

  Zeddie played himself out.

  Chaz smiled. "I'm not hearing a no."

  Kara sighed. "Yeah, we're still cooked."

  I turned and headed for the exit. "Then let's hope these item shops are good."

  On the way out, my party filled me in on what I'd slept through.

  They'd dumped nearly every crate they had on the altar, and it went okay. Kara and Lex received gold crates: Kara's was a high-tech crate-like device called ".CYBERCULT Teknocube A", Lex's a vinyl record box titled "Space Banshee Bestoff Vol. 3". Chaz had been screwed over with a mere silver DarkSpire Occultech Scroll Crate.

  "It's not funny," Chaz huffed.

  "This part is!" Kara continued, as he stomped towards the escalator. "A bunch of us gave him PvP crates, out of pity? So he tries again and he finally gets a gold crate, from some guys called Plunder Kids. He opens it, and guess what! Damage-reflecting jacket! Only works if you're under eighteen!"

  I couldn't help laughing. "Heheheh... sorry, man."

  "Val's group took it," Kara said. "That Baz kid has it now. They'll pay him back later."

  "What happened to the altar?" I asked. I fell asleep before the timer ran out.

  "It ran out of power, or something," Chaz said. "It's dead now. Can't even— nani?"

  We saw it too. As we scaled the escalator, it became obvious that the Games Warlock and a neighbouring store were gone. In their place sat a single new store, seamlessly integrated into the space as if it were always there.

  It was open and roomy, with a kind of 90s-mall-nostalgia vibe. The shelves and racks lining the walls were full of Zettamall items: weapons, clothing, knick-knacks, an entire wall of loot crates. Shorter shelves ran diagonally across a grey checkerboard carpet, flanking a counter in the back. From here we could only see some kind of huge plant decorating the space behind it.

  Above the entrance, unfamiliar ferns in hanging baskets flanked a neon sign which said "The Prop Table". A tooltip with more info appeared as I approached.

  [ The Prop Table — General Item Shop

  Shopkeeper: Dandy (Level 60 Lord of War)

  A little something for everyone. Specialists in videos and loot crates! ]

  I stared. "I walked past ten minutes ago, and this wasn't here."

  A few Huge W survivors were already outside, waiting for someone else to risk being the first one in. We went in for them.

  The wall behind the counter held a glass-doored fridge full of Slurp Nurse cans and a back door covered in what looked like plastic yellow street signs, sporting messages like "NO REFUNDS", "KEEP THE DRAMA ON THE STAGE," and "SHOPLIFTERS WILL BE EXECUTED". There was also a statue of a nude man with a flower on it, which distracted us from the other stuff.

  It resembled an old Roman sculpture, except for the store apron tied over it. It had lost its head and right arm, and in their place a plant was wrapped around its shoulders.

  Its head alone was bigger than me. It looked like a big red closed flower, angled to resemble a huge mouth. Long green fronds hung down the front of the statue, and darker vines were wrapped around it. The base of the flower was large and obscured by leaves, with no visible stem.

  Suddenly the whole plant shifted, and the petals twitched open slightly. For just a moment, I saw teeth.

  "Hey," the plant said.

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