Chapter 1: The Six Worst Possible Words.

  There’s a moment, in seemingly every magical girl anime, which I absolutely despise, and just can’t forgive. Ever since Usagi Tsukino said those six goddamn words, way back in the 90’s, it’s been repeated, and repeated, and it just isn’t true, and I’m ninety-nine percent sure that these words are behind the decline of magical girl anime’s popularity in the west, as well as some of the biggest lies ever told. Would you like to know what these words are, and why I hate them?

  The six most infuriating words in magical girl anime are as follows:

  I. Just. Want. To. Be. Normal.

  That’s it. Those are the six most frustrating words in magical girl anime, if not the English language.

  Now, don’t get me wrong, in some cases, it’s completely and utterly justified. I guess if I was Madoka or in that kind of situation, then maybe it’s okay to want to be normal. What infuriates me, every single goddamn time, is that when these cartoon magical girls say this shit, they don’t think about what normal actually means, especially once you get older.

  Me? I never wanted to be normal. On a purely intellectual level, I guess I knew the adventures couldn’t last forever, but I thought that this would be a good thing. I’d settle down with my high-school boyfriend, the magic would never need to go away entirely, and I would live a happy life, filled with love, friendship, family, and all that saccharine crap that I pretended that I was strictly against in my normal life, maybe get a job with the department that ran the Crystalline Sisters, training the next generation, and still saving the world from time to time.

  Instead, after finding my high-school boyfriend cheating with another guy, I’ll admit, I had a small mental breakdown just before graduating high school, and since the Crystalline Sisters were disbanded, I pretty much lost everything. I lost my friends, my love, my reason for being. And since a magical girl’s powers are basically tied to her emotional state, I couldn’t even summon my alter ego, the Crystal Guardian, and throw myself into the whole magical girl side of my life for respite. Not that there was a lot for a magical girl to do, these days.

  Once again, I tried to make sense of the spreadsheet I had in front of me, as a caller ranted again and again and again over points I’d already been over, and had no capacity to change. I was forty minutes past my end of day, and I was already struggling to think of how I’d cover the rent, when the company demanded their cut of my check for the overtime I worked. Once again, I wondered whether this particular government department needed to exist, and whether or not the government had any legal obligation to provide the service that it did.

  Finally, the call dropped. I put in the last of my call notes and stepped away from the keyboard, almost throwing my headset off as I shut down my computer. On days like this, I used to pray that I’d wake up one day, that I was thirteen or fourteen again, and that this would all be some kind of weird mental attack that an enemy had used on me. I shuddered, as I grabbed my umbrella before making my way to the bathroom.

  I splashed cold water on my face to ground myself. I looked up in the mirror. I looked tired. I felt exhausted. My transformation abilities used to give me ridiculous energy, perfect for protecting the city I loved. Now? I felt like a walking corpse, and I looked sick and lifeless. I turned off the faucet. I was getting older, feeling old, and I hadn’t technically finished my twenties yet. I sighed and took the elevator down as I examined my umbrella. There was still a purple gem in the umbrella’s handle, one I hadn’t acknowledged in ages. I still hadn’t thrown anything out from my magical girl days, but I didn’t wear a lot of it anymore: not a lot of occasion to do so.

  I swiped aimlessly through my phone as the elevator began its descent to the ground floor. I weighed the options. I could cut through the alley, shave six minutes off my travel time, maybe catch the next bus on time, and actually be home before 7. As the rain fell around me, I opened the umbrella. It had been presented to me as a protector against the forces of darkness and evil. Now, it was only a protector against the late winter rains. I sighed, and stepped out into the streets, dodging other pedestrians. The umbrella only did so much: Rain in Port Moonstone had a weird habit of falling sideways. It didn’t do this when I was a kid, but I mainly chalked it up to modern hardship and climate change. Putting my phone away, I think I got about 7 steps into the alley, before I heard a voice behind me.

  “Long time no see, Crystal Guardian Amethyst. I’ve been relishing this moment.”

  Unauthorized tale usage: if you spot this story on Amazon, report the violation.

  “Fuck off, Detritus, I don’t have time for this crap.”

  I took another two steps, before freezing. I’d recognized that voice anywhere, but it had been years. I turned slowly. The being before me was essentially a living garbage bag, made of rubbish and plastic and glass. Back in my magical girl days, I’d had a few showdowns with Detritus, but he’d never been on my top list of threats. With the decline in monster activity, I’d honestly thought whatever brought Detritus to life must have disappeared. But here he was, in the… maybe flesh was the wrong word to use, but I didn’t even want to think about what made Detritus what it was.

  When I was a magical girl, this would be a fairly predictable encounter. I would already be transformed into my Crystal Guardian form, I would give some badass speech, and then blast him with whatever alien energy actually powered my transformation, and he’d be like “NOOO!”, and I’d probably blast him into the bin, where he would turn back into regular, non-talking garbage. You know, standard magical girl stuff. But this was different. I wasn’t as strong anymore, and he had me dead to rights. I’d need to try something different. I tried to look pathetic, beaten down. I even tried puppy-dog eyes, even though I was too old to pull it off anymore. “Alright, you got me, I was the Crystal Guardian Amethyst, but I’m retired now. Look man, I’m tired, can we do this some other time, Detritus? We’re both too old for this, so if you want to talk about the old days-”

  “That’s the beautiful thing about me, Crystal Guardian. When you rot and decay, I flourish. Now, behold the wrath of your filthy civilization, as I drown you with your own garbage!”

  Out of habit, I drew my umbrella, pressed down on the gem. Still nothing. Detritus started to try pelting me with garbage, so I used my umbrella as a shield, but there wasn’t a lot else I could do. I mean, what was I meant to do? The guy was made of garbage, and I’d never been strong in my human form. I ran, looking for an exit, but all I found was a blocked off part of the alley.

  So this was it. This was how I was going to die. From the idealistic protector of Port Moonstone, to literally buried under garbage in a back alley. My co-workers wouldn’t miss me, I knew that much. Would my family miss me? Would the Crystalline Sisters even remember me, or think to mourn me?

  Nah, fuck that. Crystal Guardian Amethyst wasn’t going out like no bitch.

  I weighed my options. If the umbrella was my only weapon, then I’d have to use it like one. Using it as a makeshift riot shield, I charged, bowling Detritus over, before I began running, shouting for help. But the world just ignored me as Detritus began throwing things again.

  A glass bottle exploded as it hit the ground in front of me, glass barely missing my legs. I skidded to a halt, freezing at the entrance to the alley. Detritus charged me again, and I realized he planned to knock me onto the glass. My only choice was to sidestep him as he charged. This was bad. Sure, I’d fought monsters before, but it’d always been drilled into me that civilians were untrained and fragile. Now that I didn’t have my powers anymore, I felt that fragility, but everyone else had to be protected, right?

  I had to focus. In my past, I’d always been able think about the people I loved, and that love would fuel my transformation. Who did I even love anymore? I had a budgie at home, but did I love Feather Locklear enough to unlock my powers? I swung my umbrella at Detritus again, smacking him, but I didn’t have enough force behind my swing to really do much damage. Plus, to be fair, how do you even fight living garbage, as a normal person?

  Detritus must have begun to pick up on what I was trying to do, because it began speaking to me, in that whiny voice it had. “You’re kidding me! This is how the Crystal Guardian Amethyst dies? You’re meant to be challenging! You’re not the Crystal Guardian Amethyst that I remember! Who are you, impostor? Bring me the real Crystal Guardian!”

  “Gah, fuck you, Detritus, you used to be literal trash tier, and you still are!”

  “And you used to be a worthy opponent! Never underestimate the power of Detritus! Take this: LIQUID WASTE CANNON!”

  I hated this attack. Detritus began spewing some sort of foul-smelling liquid, I didn’t know what, and I didn’t care to find out. I narrowly avoided his liquid cannon. I was running out of energy and options. But all of a sudden, his cannons started changing directions, as he turned away from me.

  “This doesn’t concern you, interloper!”

  The man who had invoked Detritus’ ire stepped forward. He was lanky, and dressed like a low-rent made man, with a security uniform for a local strip joint, paired with a blue flat cap. He had steel capped boots, and an even steelier grin in his eyes. I hadn’t seen him in years, and we’d exchanged words precisely once in person. So how could the mere sight of him reawaken the Crystal Guardian Amethyst?