A grey, gloomy and cold weather prevailed outside the day that found me and the good Doctor in the living room of my apartment. Inside my abode the setting was comfortable, warm. A calm ambiance prevailed in the chamber we sat in. Somehow aided by the sheer contrast of the unstable weather that brewed just outside the large windows of my place. The radio buzzed a modern but smooth tune, not outlandish as was the hype these days. His visor was off for once. And he could relax without his mask, or his role as a major leader on Rhodes Island.

  -''This is a welcome change.'' The Doctor spoke after puffing a smoke out of his thick cigar.

  -''It is.'' I agreed as I took a sip of my iced whiskey.

  Somehow he had convinced me to accompany him for a smoke and a drink to unwind after a tiresome morning. He didn't hide the fact that he saw through my demeanour, recognising my precipitous state of mind. Even as well hidden as I kept it, and he insisted I took a break with him.

  -You should get a private room aside of your office. Really, too many operators barge in like it's their favourite place to crash at.

  -My door is open to all operators in need. Helps keep in touch with the pulse of Rhodes and its people.

  -In exchange for your privacy and peace of mind.

  -Its more manageable than you think. You can change things when it becomes your office.

  -Hah! Not a chance Doctor. I ain't taking up your mantle.

  -You're not ready yet. I can respect that, there's no rush.

  -You continue insisting when I keep blatantly refusing you, stubborn old man.

  -''I have an eye for picking up skilled people with good character. Anyway.'' He closed the topic that way, with a puff of his cigar and a sip of the fine single malt whiskey before he continued on another idea.

  -I didn't expect you'd propose your place to relax at.

  -''It is one of the best on Rhodes all things considered. No one to pry in on our leisure, well stocked, nice view, my own home turf, and of course, that.'' I said as I pointed at the liquor cabinet behind me which stood full of various bottles.

  -''Or our conversations.'' He added.

  -Indeed. Even though I debugged your room, one persistent enough could hide something even from me.

  -I thank you for that, and for offering your place.

  -You're welcome my good Doctor. You deserve some peace without operators bothering you against your smoking habit.

  -It is not my only habit.

  -So it seems. How do you find the single malt?

  -Quite strong, but refreshing after the kick. Has a subtle aroma.

  -''Glad to hear. I don't drink as often. Perhaps I just don't have the right entourage for it.'' I spoke before bringing close the cigar gifted from the Doctor's reserve.

  -I don't think I ever saw you smoking real cigarettes.

  -''I guess it is good enough of an occasion.'' I replied.

  -''Someone once said that a smoke in times of rest is a great companion to a solitary soldier''. The Doctor spoke, a sentence filled with a possible myriad of intentions and subtleties.

  -It was... once. This is actually my first cigar since... well. Since I came back to this world from a darker place I guess I could say.

  -Hope it clears your mind. How are you holding up son?

  -Well enough Doctor.

  -Lying through your teeth still. Your sanity is on the brink.

  -...

  -Look. I don't want to pry anything out of you. I'm just worried for ya. We can talk at our leisure if you want, while we enjoy our drinks and tobacco.

  -That's why you brought your best cigs?

  The story has been taken without consent; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

  -We should enjoy something of fine quality.

  -Good choice of tobacco. From Sargon?

  -Yes.

  -Must've been expensive.

  -It was. Now tell me, what's weighing on you so heavily?

  -...

  Again I simply could not answer him.

  -Look son. I can see that you are under a strain, more than ever. Managing a depleted sanity by sheer will can only get you so far before you collapse.

  -What does it matter, as long as I do my duty? You can rest assured that if I deem myself unreliable I will personally step down from my post and duties as your personal assistant.

  -It's not that. I worry for you as a person. Genuinely.

  -... You do not have a cure, nor can Rhodes Island help me.

  -Perhaps, or perhaps we could. But speaking out what's pressing on your heart with someone will alleviate you.

  -... Why do you keep calling me son? Just because you're old?

  -Just feels like I can relate to you.

  -An ill placed feeling. My family would be utterly disgusted with me if they were still alive.

  -You judge yourself too harshly, whatever may have happened in your past.

  -I judge myself accurately, my good Doctor.

  -Something tells me that is not the real cause of your disheart as of late, or not the only one.

  -''I feel... so damn tired. Holding it all together. I feel my soul spread too thin, as if it's barely anything anymore. And I feel something eating at it.'' I said before my words became even heavier.

  -And I can't pull the fucking trigger no matter how many times I bring the gun to my temple.

  -Let me help you my friend.

  -You don't have any solution my good Doctor. You're reckless too, proposing I become your successor when I warned that you might have to put me down one day. Before I turn into something worse. Something inhuman.

  -That will not happen.

  -So confident of you.

  -Someone has to be for both of us.

  -I wouldn't give it so readily.

  -You've saved the lives of many of our operators. And you've helped many along the way. I say you deserve it fully. You are a good man, Tacet.

  -I just dared my chances more than was needed.

  -Why do you dismiss yourself so readily? And do not tell me you don't care. One wouldn't have gone the lengths to preserve their lives as you did, especially for them. It's no wonder that those four lupos trust you so closely for it.

  -It doesn't change my affliction.

  -What happened my friend?

  -... Too many things Doctor. Too many dehumanizing things. And...

  -Go on son.

  -'''I... ah... '' I struggled to form words.

  -''I am broken.'' I spoke words as if a death sentence to come.

  -What? Your cock won't work?

  I amazingly broke out into a tired but honest laughter at that, broken out for the moment from midst of the grim reality of my life.

  -''No doctor.'' I replied with a semblance of smile from the laughter still.

  -Is it also because of your partner?

  -I was too reckless. And she nearly died in my arms for it.

  -She is in the best hands now. Kal'tsit assured me she will pull through.

  -...

  -She is the one, isn't she? The one you wish you could cure.

  I didn't reply. The answer to his question was already too obvious. I drank from my glass as a simple gesture to confirm it to him.

  -She will recover. And you are not at fault for what happened. Life is precipitous and full of dangers, but I know you are not the type to take uncalculated risks. You will hold her in your arms once again, when she is awake and in strength.

  -... I cannot.

  -Why so my friend? Tell me with your own words.

  -I told you I am broken. My trauma will ravage me, my sanity will crumble and... if I don't die then I might do something dread-

  -You won't! Because that is not what you want!

  -Doctor...

  -You want to protect her, to hold her, to feel her close to you. Don't you?

  -I cannot risk it, Doctor.

  -You already held her close when you saved her life.

  -Warfarin would have surely told you of the visible stress marks on my heart from the post mission medical check.

  -You are still here with me in all your vigour now, aren't you?

  -It is because I couldn't have faltered then. Even with the danger of collapse so close.

  -Your will was true. Stronger than the pressing darkness of your trauma. Your better self shone that day, and neither of you died for it.

  -Doctor, I know what you are trying to do. You cannot fix this with a few well-chosen words.

  -No, I can't. You need to do that my friend. I'm only trying to show you that you can overcome it. No matter how much you dismiss it, no matter how much you don't believe in it.

  -It is too dangerous a risk to her. And... nobody would want a man with such mental scars as mine.

  -Have you known such a catastrophe messenger as Provence to be shallow?

  -No.

  -You won't harm her. For that is not what you desire. Isn't it?

  -I think it's fairly obvious by now.

  -''Then embrace that desire. Let it flow like water and cleanse the fires of unease inside of you.'' He said before continuing.

  -Tell me, do you visit her by chance?

  -Every day.

  -Be there for her when she wakes. Her smile would do you good. And she would be relieved to know that her partner made it out as well.

  Some time after that I was alone once more. Enveloped in the grey scenery on my terrace. Clouds, heavy and grey lashed quickly upon one another. A light drizzle came upon me, somehow refreshingly. The wind was cold, and the weather gave no sign that it would relieve itself. Not any time soon.

  I stood in the same place since the Doctor took his leave, relieving his hand from my shoulder. Our last words ringing back in my mind.

  -You're not alone son.

  -Heh. You remind me much of my old man. Same words, same surety that would put anyone at ease.

  -''Your father?'' The Doctor had asked.

  -No, grandfather.

  -You were close I gather?

  -My father was mostly gone during my first years. Gramps raised me in his place for the first six years , he was my father figure.

  -He must've been a great man.

  -... He was. A confidence and a know-how to resolve anything, given his lifelong experience. You are similar to him in many regards.

  -He raised a good man. As did your father I am sure. I presume he gave the mantle of your tutoring to your father once things were right?

  -No... he gave up that mantle when he lost his life before me.

  Knowing the apartment door would automatically lock shut after his departure I just remained there. His words echoed back, but slowly silenced themselves as my mind emptied itself. Focusing simply on the tumultuous weather before me. A weather as unsettled as me.

  With the first thought that slipped in being of her I unclenched the grip of my hands and left myself of the spot. I would need to dry before going to see her. Meaningless as these visits might have seemed they mattered to me.

  I needed to be by her side, to be sure if nothing else. It was a matter of principle... and of desire, to see her live.