Intern’s Log: Mittens is Preparing for War Against a Fictional Planet

  Date: Redacted

  Intern ID: Reynolds, J. (I’m too tired for this.)

  New update on Mittens.

  Turns out, Malconia isn’t real.

  It’s from a TV show. From the 80s.

  That’s right.

  The most dangerous, psychotic, genetically-engineered feline in history is actively preparing for war against a fictional alien species because someone—some absolute fool—let him watch old TV shows.

  And now he thinks it’s real.

  Phase One: Who Let This Happen?

  After digging through some classified archives, I found an old behavioral enrichment log from when Mittens was still in containment.

  And guess what it said?

  "Subject 001-F allowed limited screen time for psychological evaluation. Approved selections include vintage media for cultural exposure."

  And then the kicker:

  *"Selected program: Galactic Justice Patrol – Season 3, Episode 14: ‘The Malconian Menace.’"

  Are you kidding me?!

  Phase Two: What the Hell is Galactic Justice Patrol?

  After suffering through an hour of grainy, low-budget, 80s sci-fi nonsense, I have learned the following:

  ? Malconia is NOT a real planet.

  ? Malconians are a race of evil, vaguely reptilian aliens who hate mammals.

  ? Their leader, "Lord Zharik," has a deep and irrational hatred of cats.

  ? The entire episode is about them stealing Earth’s feline population as part of some convoluted "anti-mammal purity law."

  ? At the end of the episode, the heroes save the cats, and the Malconians get blown up.

  That’s it. That’s the whole thing.

  If you encounter this story on Amazon, note that it's taken without permission from the author. Report it.

  But to Mittens?

  This is a historical document.

  Phase Three: The Damage is Done

  I made the mistake of mentioning this revelation to my boss.

  He just stared at me for a long moment and then sighed.

  "At least it wasn’t The Dukes of Hazzard."

  And you know what? He’s right.

  Because if Mittens had latched onto a show about reckless car stunts and anti-authoritarian nonsense, we’d probably have to deal with him stealing a muscle car and jumping it over government buildings.

  Small mercies.

  But still.

  We have a genetically-engineered super-predator hunting down an imaginary alien race.

  And he will not be convinced otherwise.

  Phase Four: The Newest Intel on Mittens’ Madness

  ? Spotted in Nevada—broke into an Air Force surplus store, stole aviator goggles and an old pilot’s jacket.

  ? Intercepted radio chatter indicates he’s trying to "assemble a fleet."

  ? Rumors suggest he tried to recruit an underground cryptid-hunting militia into his "war effort."

  ? Has written a "Declaration of War" and nailed it to the door of a science museum.

  ? NASA security reported an "unidentified feline intruder" sneaking around their research labs.

  What’s his endgame here?!

  Does he think he’s going to space?!

  Because I am not emotionally prepared to deal with Mittens hijacking a rocket.

  Phase Five: What’s Next?

  There are two possibilities.

  He gets bored and finds a new delusion to fixate on.

  He actually makes it to space.

  And considering his track record, I am deeply concerned about option two.

  Because let’s be honest—

  If anyone could figure out how to steal a spacecraft,

  It’s Mittens.

  Final Thoughts

  ? Mittens is a walking disaster.

  ? He is waging war on a fictional planet.

  ? We are probably going to have to deal with an interstellar incident caused by a cat.

  ? There is absolutely no way this ends well.

  I need a drink.

  End Log.