Intern’s Log: Mittens Declares War on ALF
Date: Redacted
Intern ID: Reynolds, J. (This cannot be my life.)
New update on Mittens.
It’s somehow worse than I thought.
I was reliably informed that Malconia is not from some deep-cut 80s military propaganda.
No.
It’s from ALF.
Yes.
That ALF.
The sitcom about the wisecracking alien who eats cats.
And now Mittens is hunting him.
Phase One: Who Let a Psychotic Super-Cat Watch ALF?
After digging through old facility records, I found the report.
It was supposed to be enrichment.
"Subject 001-F allowed limited screen time for behavioral observation. Selected media includes light-hearted programming to assess humor responses."
And then the horrifying sentence that changed history:
"Selected program: ALF – Season 1, Episode 1."
WHY? WHY WOULD YOU SHOW A BIOENGINEERED CAT A SHOW ABOUT A FELINE-EATING ALIEN?!
Phase Two: What Mittens Took From This
After suffering through an entire evening of ALF reruns (may God forgive me), I have come to the following conclusions:
? ALF (a.k.a. Gordon Shumway) is from the planet Melmac.
? He openly states that his species eats cats.
? He lives with a human family and constantly tries to eat their pet cat, Lucky.
? Mittens has clearly interpreted this as a war crime.
? Mittens now believes that Melmacians are a real species.
? Mittens is actively preparing for “The Feline Liberation War.”
I—
I just—
I can’t.
Phase Three: The Newest Mittens Sightings
? Colorado: Broke into a broadcasting station, attempted to interrupt programming with an anti-Melmacian manifesto.
? Utah: Stole classified space observation documents from a NASA consultant.
Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.
? California: Broke into the house of a former ALF cast member. Nobody was hurt, but Mittens reportedly stole a VHS box set before vanishing into the night.
? Nevada: Security footage caught a trench coat-wearing feline sneaking around Area 51. Audio picked up muttering about “Melmacian sympathizers.”
This lunatic is trying to find ALF.
Phase Four: The Implications (I Am Losing My Mind)
Mittens believes ALF is real.
Which means, at this moment, he is looking for a fictional alien.
To kill him.
And you know what?
Knowing Mittens?
He’s probably going to find something.
Not ALF, obviously—but the sheer force of his will means he’s going to uncover something we were never meant to find.
And that terrifies me.
Phase Five: NASA’s Unfortunate Involvement
Because Mittens has decided this is now a space issue, he has started targeting NASA facilities.
This has resulted in the following disasters:
? He stole astronaut training manuals.
? He hijacked a live satellite feed to scan for “Melmacian vessels.”
? NASA security has put out an alert for “a suspicious, possibly foreign-trained operative,” which is actually just a very determined cat.
? There is a non-zero chance he is trying to steal a rocket.
And honestly?
At this point?
I would not put it past him.
Phase Six: What Happens Now?
So, to recap:
? Mittens has declared war on ALF.
? He is looking for a fictional alien.
? He is now actively interfering with space operations.
? It is only a matter of time before this spirals into an intergovernmental disaster.
I have told my boss.
He just sat there for a long time, rubbing his temples, before muttering:
"If he hijacks a Mars rover, I quit."
You and me both, boss.
You and me both.
Final Thoughts
? Mittens is an unstoppable force of chaos.
? He is going to uncover something that was meant to stay hidden.
? I am 90% sure NASA is going to accidentally help him.
? We are, at best, two months away from an actual interstellar incident.
I need a vacation.
End Log.
