Intern’s Log: Wait, Does Russia Even Have Raccoons?

  Date: Redacted

  Intern ID: Reynolds, J. (I should have asked this question before preparing for diplomatic barbecue.)

  So, I was halfway through packing up a platter of smoked brisket and deep-fried Snickers bars for my upcoming suicide mission—sorry, diplomatic mission—to negotiate with Bandit, when a deeply horrifying thought hit me.

  Does Russia even have raccoons?

  Like, in the wild? Naturally?

  Because if they don’t, then that means Bandit isn’t just a warlord.

  That means Bandit is an invasive species.

  Phase One: A Very Concerning Google Search

  So I did what any responsible, government-sanctioned disaster-magnet would do.

  I Googled it.

  And you know what I found?

  ? Russia technically does NOT have native raccoons.

  ? There were some imported as exotic pets.

  ? Some escaped. Some were abandoned.

  ? A few very questionable zoos might have released them into the wild.

  ? There are raccoon dogs, but those are a completely different species.

  But a full raccoon population?

  Not naturally.

  Which means—

  Bandit is a walking ecological nightmare.

  Phase Two: The Horrifying Implications

  Bandit is an American export.

  We did this.

  We unleashed him upon an unsuspecting world.

  This is biological warfare, and we were not ready.

  Unauthorized use of content: if you find this story on Amazon, report the violation.

  Every raccoon in his army is either imported or cloned.

  This means he has taken active steps to spread his kind.

  This also means he has figured out how to make more of himself.

  That is, objectively, the worst-case scenario.

  The Russian government probably considers him an invasive pest.

  Which means they have tried to eliminate him before.

  And they failed.

  Which means he won.

  Bandit has outlasted Russia itself.

  Phase Three: How This Affects My Mission

  ? I am not just walking into a warlord’s domain.

  ? I am walking into a raccoon colony that was never supposed to exist.

  ? There is no historical precedent for this.

  ? I have no idea how they are adapting to the Russian climate.

  ? They might be stronger than the original U.S. raccoons.

  ? I might be negotiating with a genetically superior, cold-resistant raccoon militia.

  And suddenly?

  This just got way more complicated.

  Phase Four: A Final, Terrifying Thought

  If Bandit has been running his operations in Russia for this long…

  If he has been cloning, recruiting, and expanding his numbers…

  If he has fully adapted to a country that never even had raccoons to begin with…

  Then that means—

  This isn’t just his base of operations.

  This is HIS COUNTRY NOW.

  Final Thoughts

  ? Bandit is an invasive species.

  ? Russia has been dealing with him like a furry insurgency.

  ? I am about to negotiate with the world’s first warlord who was never supposed to exist.

  ? I have no idea if Russian raccoons are stronger, smarter, or more resilient than their American counterparts.

  ? I might be stepping into an entirely new evolutionary branch of raccoons.

  I need more brisket.

  And possibly a last will and testament.

  End Log.