Intern’s Log: Bandit Has a Lab, the Raccoons Are Not Uplifted (Thank God), and Now He Wants a Girlfriend?!

  Date: Redacted

  Intern ID: Reynolds, J. (I am in over my head. Again.)

  Well.

  That explains a lot.

  ? Bandit’s war camp? Not just a stolen military base.

  ? The bears? Came from a secret Russian uplift project.

  ? The Russian scientists? Gone. Fled. Probably in therapy.

  ? The raccoons? NOT UPLIFTED. (Thank every deity available.)

  But now?

  Now Bandit wants a girlfriend.

  And guess who he wants to run the lab and “continue the work”?

  Me.

  HE WANTS ME TO RUN THE DAMN LAB.

  Phase One: How I Found Out

  So I landed in Bandit’s stolen military base-turned-rogue state with my brisket and deep-fried Snickers, ready for a simple negotiation.

  (Okay, not simple. But I thought my biggest problem would be convincing a war-crime raccoon to focus on the alien invasion instead of stealing more military vehicles.)

  Instead?

  Bandit greeted me like an old friend, took the barbecue, and immediately dropped a nuclear-grade bombshell.

  "Reynolds, my dear, esteemed, long-suffering friend."

  "I require a wife."

  I choked on my own spit.

  "I’m sorry, what?!"

  "A wife. A queen. A companion of equal cunning and intellect. A lady of distinction."

  "Bandit," I said, rubbing my temples, "I am not a dating service."

  "No," he said, grinning with far too many teeth. "But you are now my lead scientist."

  Phase Two: The Lab, the Bears, and the Terrifying Implications

  So it turns out—

  The Russian bear uplift project?

  Yeah, Bandit took the entire lab when the scientists fled.

  The entire facility, staff included, used to be dedicated to uplifted animal warfare research.

  The bears? First successful subjects.

  The raccoons? NOT UPLIFTED.

  They’re just… really well-organized.

  Because of course they are.

  Bandit doesn’t want to uplift the raccoons.

  No, no, no.

  He’s too smart for that.

  Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

  He likes them just the way they are—loyal, efficient, and always one step away from causing a diplomatic incident.

  Instead?

  He wants a partner.

  A true intellectual equal.

  And for that?

  He needs the lab running again.

  And the only scientist left to do it?

  Me.

  Phase Three: The Worst Job Offer in History

  "Bandit. Buddy. Chief. Listen to me." I said, desperately trying to keep my composure.

  "I am not a geneticist."

  "Details," he waved dismissively.

  "I do not run labs."

  "And yet, here you are."

  "Bandit, why would I—why would ANYONE—agree to this?!"

  Bandit grinned.

  And that’s when I knew he had me.

  Because he leaned in, smug as hell, and said:

  "Because if you don’t, someone else will. And they might not have… your moral compass."

  And just like that, I was trapped.

  Because he was right.

  If I walked away from this?

  Someone worse would step in.

  And I have seen what happens when the wrong people get control of projects like this.

  It never ends well.

  Phase Four: The Absolute Worst Realization

  So let’s recap.

  ? Bandit has an entire abandoned uplift research facility.

  ? The raccoons are just regular raccoons—but highly trained and extremely efficient.

  ? The bears were the only uplifted success stories.

  ? Bandit does not want to uplift more animals—he just wants ONE genetically enhanced “queen.”

  ? And he wants me to run the lab to make that happen.

  Which means—

  I have officially become a mad scientist.

  And the worst part?

  I can’t say no.

  Because if I don’t run this lab, then someone else will.

  And I will not let another rogue geneticist start another nightmare experiment.

  Even if that means I now have to spend my days arguing with a raccoon warlord over his dating preferences.

  Final Thoughts (I Am Never Getting Out of This Life)

  ? Bandit is smarter than I ever gave him credit for.

  ? He is literally playing 4D chess while I am still trying to figure out checkers.

  ? I am now running a secret Russian genetics lab.

  ? My new job is to create the perfect genetically enhanced raccoon wife.

  ? I have officially lost control of my life.

  I don’t know what happens next.

  But I do know this—

  Bandit always gets what he wants.

  And I?

  I am never going to live this down.

  End Log.