Intern’s Log: I Am Meeting My Future In-Laws—Because Bandit Kidnapped Them

  Date: [This Is Not How This Was Supposed to Happen]

  Intern ID: Reynolds, J. (This is officially out of control.)

  So.

  You know what I said about determined mothers?

  Yeah.

  Now I have to meet Evelyn’s parents.

  Which would be stressful enough on its own.

  But because this is my life, I am not just meeting them.

  I am meeting them in a classified, secret, stolen Russian scientific research base.

  Because Bandit had them black-bagged.

  Because apparently, that’s how we do things now.

  I need a drink.

  Phase One: The Moment I Learned This Was Happening

  It started like every disaster in my life does.

  With Bandit grinning at me like he was about to drop a bombshell.

  "Reynolds, my dear friend!"

  "No."

  "Now, now, don’t be like that. I have wonderful news!"

  "Bandit, last time you said that, I ended up in a panda interrogation chamber."

  "Yes, but this is different!"

  "Bandit, what did you do?"

  He spread his arms.

  "Congratulations! You’re meeting the in-laws!"

  I blinked.

  "I—wait, what?"

  "I acquired them for you!"

  I stared.

  "You KIDNAPPED Evelyn’s PARENTS?!"

  "I relocated them."

  "TO A STOLEN WAR BASE?!"

  "Context is important, Reynolds."

  I am going to die.

  Phase Two: Evelyn's Reaction

  I turned to Evelyn, hoping—praying—she was going to be outraged.

  But she was just…

  Laughing.

  "Oh my god, Bandit, you didn’t."

  "I did!"

  "How’d you get my father? That man is paranoid."

  "Oh, please. I’ve kidnapped scientists, warlords, and intelligence operatives. You think I can’t grab one ex-KGB microbiologist?"

  I felt lightheaded.

  "Evelyn."

  She grinned.

  "Relax, Reynolds. It’s probably not the first time he’s been bagged and dragged to a black site."

  I am in love with an insane person.

  Phase Three: The “Meet the Parents” Briefing

  Bandit led me into the briefing room.

  Goldie was already there, watching the monitors.

  Vicky sat beside her, legs crossed, sipping tea, looking entirely unbothered.

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  And on the screen?

  Two very, very unhappy people.

  ? One woman—sharp features, calculating gaze, the kind of woman who knows everything about you before you even introduce yourself.

  ? One man—built like an old-school Soviet officer, staring at the camera like he was trying to break it with his mind.

  And me?

  I was about to walk into that room and explain why their daughter was marrying a man surrounded by a raccoon dictatorship and a bear-led military force.

  I am not emotionally equipped for this.

  Phase Four: The Worst Introduction of My Life

  The door opened.

  I stepped inside.

  They turned to me.

  Silence.

  Then Evelyn’s mother—**Tatiana—**spoke first.

  "You are the one."

  Not a question.

  A statement.

  I swallowed.

  "Uh. Yes?"

  Evelyn’s father—**Gregor—**narrowed his eyes.

  "You work for government?"

  "I—uh, technically? Not anymore?"

  "Then you work for them."

  He gestured at the screens, which were currently showing Bandit stuffing a croissant into his mouth like a gremlin.

  I sighed.

  "Not by choice."

  Phase Five: The In-Law Interrogation

  Tatiana leaned forward, studying me.

  "You are former researcher. Now you are… what? Head diplomat to uplifted animals? First human to be abducted by extraterrestrials? Walking scientific disaster?"

  I winced.

  "I feel like you already answered your own question."

  "Hmm."

  Silence.

  Gregor cracked his knuckles.

  "I do not like you."

  "I understand."

  "But my daughter does."

  "…Yes?"

  Tatiana sighed.

  "Then we must live with it."

  I am… not sure if that was approval or a death sentence.

  Phase Six: Evelyn Steps In

  Evelyn finally entered the room.

  Grinning.

  "Well, you didn’t kill him yet, so that’s a good sign!"

  Tatiana sighed.

  "Evelyn, I taught you better than this."

  "Mom, I love him."

  Gregor groaned.

  "You love chaos."

  "And?"

  Tatiana just shook her head.

  "We are not stopping this, are we?"

  Evelyn smirked.

  "Nope."

  And that was it.

  That was the moment I realized I was accepted.

  Not because I was worthy.

  But because they knew they couldn’t stop Evelyn.

  And honestly?

  That’s fair.

  Final Thoughts (I Am Now Part of a Russian Family, Apparently)

  ? Bandit kidnapped my future in-laws.

  ? Evelyn was not even surprised.

  ? Her parents interrogated me and then just gave up.

  ? Gregor still doesn’t like me, but that’s fine.

  ? Tatiana is already planning how to prepare me for survival.

  I don’t know what happens next.

  But I do know this—

  I am never getting out of this family.

  End Log.