Intern’s Log: My Mother Has Planned My Wedding, and I Was Not Informed
Date: [Existential Panic]
Intern ID: Reynolds, J. (This is happening way too fast.)
So.
I got a call from my mother.
I thought it would be about the usual things.
? Why I don’t call more.
? Why I don’t visit.
? Why I haven’t given her grandkids that aren’t genetically enhanced super-soldiers.
But no.
No, this time, she had new information.
Information that directly concerned me.
Apparently, my wedding is planned.
My wedding.
To Evelyn.
Which I did not know about.
Because I did not propose.
Because I was not consulted.
Because somehow, the raccoon warlord and his aristocratic queen got involved.
And now?
Now this is happening.
Phase One: The Moment of Realization
The phone barely rang before I answered.
"Hi, Mom—"
"Oh, sweetheart! I was just about to call you!"
"You are calling me."
"Yes, yes, anyway—I have some exciting news!"
I already didn’t like where this was going.
"…Go on."
"The wedding is all coming together!"
I froze.
"…What wedding?"
*"Why, yours, of course!"
Oh.
Oh no.
Phase Two: Who Knew About This?!
"Mom."
"Yes, sweetheart?"
"I did not propose to Evelyn."
"Oh, I know!"
"Then why is there a wedding planned?"
"Well, Vicky told me you’d probably be too slow about it, so she and Bandit took care of the arrangements!"
I nearly dropped the phone.
A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.
"I—VICKY?! BANDIT?! YOU LET A RACCOON WARLORD PLAN MY WEDDING?!"
"Oh, don’t be dramatic, dear. Goldie is officiating!"
I sat down.
I drank the rest of my coffee.
I questioned every life choice that had led me here.
Phase Three: The Confirmed Conspirators
? **My mother—**fully on board, probably already ordering flower arrangements.
? **Vicky—**definitely orchestrating this like a royal event.
? **Bandit—**absolutely using this to solidify political power.
? **Goldie—**taking this way too seriously.
? **Evelyn—**NOT STOPPING THIS.
Oh god.
Does she already know?
I turned my head.
She was leaning against the doorframe.
Smirking.
"Oh, hey, darling."
Phase Four: The Part Where I Try to Protest and Fail
"Did you know about this?!"
She sipped her drink.
"Of course."
"AND YOU’RE OKAY WITH THIS?!"
"Oh, Reynolds."
She walked over.
Sat down next to me.
Tilted her head.
"Do you really think you’re getting out of this?"
I opened my mouth.
Paused.
Closed my mouth.
Because she was right.
I am not escaping this.
Phase Five: The Wedding of the Century
? Bandit is treating this like a diplomatic event.
? Vicky is planning it like a royal coronation.
? Goldie is officiating like it’s a sacred bear tradition.
? The Good Boys are probably the security detail.
? And my mother?
She is delighted.
Absolutely thrilled.
I can already hear her telling all her friends.
"Oh, you won’t believe what Reynolds’ wedding is going to look like!"
I am doomed.
Final Thoughts (There Is No Escape)
? I am getting married.
? I was not consulted.
? The wedding is already planned.
? I am not getting out of this.
I don’t know how this happened.
But I do know this—
The only thing scarier than an alien abduction is a determined mother.
End Log.
