Intern’s Log: I Have Begun Uplifting the Lemurs—It Seemed Like the Right Thing to Do
Date: [This Is Getting Out of Hand]
Intern ID: Reynolds, J. (I have lost all ability to stop myself.)
So.
The war is inevitable.
? The Good Boys confirmed the enemy is already here.
? The extraterrestrials are still ignoring the problem.
? The bears are preparing for battle.
? The raccoons are consolidating power.
? The pandas have officially joined the fight.
? Fallen Star has shown up, which means history is repeating itself.
And me?
I just made the worst decision of my life.
I officially started uplifting the lemurs.
Because at this point?
Why the hell not?
Phase One: The Thought Process That Led to This Terrible Idea
It started as a small thought.
A nagging realization.
? The bears are strong.
? The Good Boys are skilled.
? The raccoons are terrifyingly organized.
? The pandas are a hidden force waiting for deployment.
But we were still missing something.
Something fast.
Something unpredictable.
Something that could see the enemy before we did.
And then I looked at the lemurs.
And I thought…
"Yeah. That tracks."
Phase Two: The Moment I Told Bandit
"Hey, Bandit?"
"Yes, Jerry Reed?"
"I will strangle you."
"Ohhh, but you won’t. Because you need me."
I took a deep breath.
"I think I’m going to start uplifting the lemurs."
Bandit stared.
Then his face slowly split into the widest, most devilish grin I have ever seen.
"Oh, Reynolds. You beautiful fool."
Phase Three: The Science I Should Not Be Doing
Okay.
So technically I already had a head start.
? Some lemurs were already responding to structured problem-solving.
? **Some were demonstrating rudimentary tool use. **
You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.
? Some had learned to steal from Bandit. (Which was terrifying.)
? **Some were actively observing military training drills. **
So all I had to do was…
? Push their neural growth.
? Enhance their problem-solving capabilities.
? Improve memory retention.
? Accelerate adaptation to new environments.
And just like that—
We had an army of hyper-intelligent, highly mobile, tree-dwelling operatives.
This was either genius or the worst mistake I have ever made.
Possibly both.
Phase Four: The Part Where Goldie Found Out
Goldie was already skeptical of the lemurs.
She had seen them watching.
She had seen them learning.
But when I finally told her what I was doing?
She just stared at me.
For a very long time.
"You are giving the small ones more intelligence?"
"Yes."
"You are doing this on purpose?"
"…Yes?"
She exhaled slowly.
"You will regret this, Reynolds."
That is not what I wanted to hear.
Phase Five: The Lemurs Have Already Gone Too Far
I checked on them today.
They were waiting for me.
? One of them had fashioned a primitive spear.
? One of them had drawn a map of the facility.
? One of them tried to shake my hand.
? One of them was wearing stolen sunglasses.
And then?
One of them spoke.
Not in sentences.
Not in a fully developed language.
But in a single word.
He pointed at me.
Grinned.
And said—
"Teach."
Oh.
Oh no.
Phase Six: Bandit’s Immediate Response
I walked back to base camp.
Sat down.
Drank an entire glass of whiskey.
And said—
"The lemurs are talking."
Bandit lit up like a Christmas tree.
"OH, HELL YES."
Goldie just shook her head.
"This will be chaos."
Evelyn, who was absolutely going to support this no matter what, just smiled.
"So when do we start training them?"
I hate all of them.
Final Thoughts (I Have Created a Nightmare)
? The lemurs are officially uplifted.
? They are already learning too fast.
? They can speak, albeit barely.
? They are aware of their own intelligence.
? There is no stopping this now.
I don’t know what happens next.
But I do know this—
We just added an entirely new faction to the war.
And the enemy has no idea what’s coming.
End Log.
