With Lex's help, I ditched my blood- and sweat-stained outfit for something that smelled less like a serial killer's fridge. I went with my usual casual clothes, for comfort: loose pants, decent sneakers, two layers of shirts in case I got splashed with blood again.

  Lex looked approving as I stepped out of the changing room. "Not bad. You look like a skater boy."

  "I used to be one, actually," I said, adjusting my backpack. "I did it for a few years in high school. My parents made me stop because I tried to do a trick I saw in an anime and ended up in the hospital. I got injured so bad a nurse made a viral video about it. I think she got fired."

  "Wait." Lex pointed. "You're Boney Hawk? Everyone at school said you died!"

  "Not yet. Ask me later."

  When we returned, the others were discussing our next steps. Val had shown up to represent her party.

  I waved. "Hey. Everyone alright?"

  "Hey," Val said. "Chat was right. We just busted up some shoplins comin' from upstairs. My party's escortin' people to Huge W so they can stock up on supplies without gettin' lasered."

  "Reg says he has a plan to scout upstairs," Chaz said. "And a bunch of people want to fight with us. Harmony's having them make weapons."

  "Speaking of, I think if we're doing this we should open some crates first," I said.

  Chaz nodded. "It's a good idea. I've seen a lot of stories like this. Right before a hard fight, the hero gets an overpowered new item that makes it super easy. Works every time."

  I raised my eyebrows. "And you're willing to bet your life on the world working like a manga?"

  "We just met an evil pineapple and I'm getting ninja training from a ghost lemon. It's manga-adjacent."

  "I'd love to open crates, but we're almost broke," Kara said.

  "Reg let me keep some of Magic's money," I said. "We can get keys with that."

  "Are you sure? You extorted that stolen money fair and square."

  "No reason to hoard it." I looked at Val. "You want some too?"

  Val shrugged. "All good. We're taking care of ourselves."

  Pooling our funds and buying as much as possible got us two keys each, with only eighty Funbucks left over. I flicked through my crate window.

  [ Battered Slapfight Crate x3. Limited Edition OddBotz Crate x2. Random Brand Crate. Slurp Nurse Legally Required Apology Crate. WARCRIMES Pillage Crate. WARCRIMES Bronze Sponsor Crate x2. ZETTAMALL? Starter Crate. ]

  I had a suspicion that I was going to get knifed again, so I grabbed the Slurp Nurse crate. It was a white cooler with a jazzy pink brush effect, which popped open to reveal a six-pack of healing cans.

  [ You have received a six-pack of Slurp Nurse Calibrated Cherry Healing! Drink this when your health is "in the red" to receive a mild regeneration effect! This cool, refreshing drink has been calibrated for human consumption. ]

  "Oh, hell yes!" It wasn't the overpowered result Chaz wanted, but now we could heal without wishing we hadn't.

  I decided to try the OddBotz Crate next, because "Limited Edition" sounded cool. It looked like a box-shaped Muppet, with a furry blue body, felt feet, triangle teeth along its cybernetic lid, and some big googly eyes; it ate my key Cookie Monster style before spitting out an item and vanishing.

  [ You have received a packet of Wizard's Treats Vitre-Os Cornea Puffs! Munch down on these cheesy treats to gain [Invisibility] for five minutes or until you attack, whichever comes first! Serves two.

  Wizard's Treats: Our Magic In Your Mouth! ]

  I checked out the packet. Below the alien-text logo was a cartoon of a massive eyeball with human-like legs and hips, cool sneakers, and a speedo. I would have preferred it if his junk were smaller.

  Chaz leaned over my shoulder. "Holy crap, this guy's packing."

  "Lemme see!" Kara said.

  I let her borrow it and looked at Chaz. "Your turn."

  "Get ready for the OP," Chaz said, cracking his knuckles. I just winced. I knew that if he got something really good, he'd develop a knuckle-cracking superstition even though he knew better.

  He chose a random crate and sliced it open. In his hubris, he jammed the key in without really looking at it.

  [ Chaz Cruso has received a ZETTAMALL? Silver Starter Crate! Contains very helpful items to get you through the tutorial. ]

  "Wait—"

  [ Chaz Cruso has received a ZETTAMALL? Silver OddBotz Card! You are guaranteed one rare-grade OddBot? during OddBotz Selection. ]

  I patted Chaz's back as he grumbled. "Hey, maybe it is OP. The Lair could be full of guys with a silver allergy."

  "Whatever, man!" Chaz tossed me the card. "Give it to someone who needs it. It'll be good in the long run."

  He summoned his own OddBot crate. This one was orange, with what I could only describe as an anime ninja headband.

  [ Rare! Chaz Cruso has received a Contrasht Popdroid: Suikatana! Improves your OddBot's first power. Collect all five Ninja Fruits for a set bonus! Or don't. We stopped giving a shit once we had your money.

  Contrasht: Buy It And Fuck Off! ]

  The figure was a stylized representation of a watermelon ninja with a katana through its head. It had dead beady eyes. Chaz fell in love.

  "Yes. Yesss!"

  "Ah, my comrade in arms," Yuzumaki said as Chaz whooped. "I hope she's doing well."

  "My turn!" Kara said, dumping out two red OddBotz crates with spirals in their eyes. One spat out a pin with an unfamiliar occult symbol, the other a purple-and-black techwear-style jacket with a power symbol on the arms.

  [ Rare! Kara Ceres has received a .CYBERCULT Brand Pin! Wear this to increase your chances of getting .CYBERCULT products (including collab items) from any participating crate. Crates with no eligible items function as normal.

  .CYBERCULT: >>JOIN US ]

  [ Rare! Kara Ceres has received a .CYBERCULT Charge Jacket! Dread Collection of Yoth-Magol, summer range. This lightweight, stain-resistant jacket will automatically charge any device placed in its pockets. It also adds +10% of your damage as lightning damage, to sear your enemies with blessed pain! ]

  "Here, Will! Take my old one." Kara tossed her Breaker Supply jacket over my head and threw her new one on. Her surname Ceres appeared in all-caps over a front pocket, and she stuck the pin to it.

  I accepted it. Our party was too big to give me the armour bonus, but it wasn't nothing. "Is Cybercult good for you?"

  Kara shrugged. "Deadphones is Cybercult, so probably. You're up, Lex!"

  Lex pulled out a grungy black-furred OddBotz crate in a boxy jersey and a random crate. The first produced a sporty crossbow with a checkered pattern and a matching quiver; the second popped out a blood-splattered Breaker Supply Negotiator's Crate, which gave her a sporty high-tech hammer with a long handle.

  The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement.

  [ Rare! Galaxxie Pallada has received a Mister Sportsball D4/16 Chess Crossbow! This stylish weapon was inspired by the popular "Space Warlord's Gambit", in which a player advances a queenside pawn and shoots their opponent with a plasma cannon. Once per day, its matching quiver will replenish its store of 16 bolts. ]

  [ Rare! Galaxxie Pallada has received a Breaker Supply Strikebreaker's Hammer! Put the rabble in their place with this enhanced negotiation tool! When you're outnumbered (at least twice as many enemies as party members) this weapon deals bonus damage. ]

  Val grinned. "Cute name."

  "I prefer Lex, thanks!" Lex huffed.

  "I agree with Berry Valentine," Kara said, smiling wider.

  Val flinched. "Val's fine! Shut up!"

  Lex turned her attention back to the weapons. "The crossbow works better with my shield, I think?"

  "Can I take the hammer as a backup?" Chaz asked. "I'll owe you."

  "Well, we're out of stuff," Kara said. "Now what?"

  "That depends who's joining us." I said. "What have we got?"

  "Cosmo's crew and most of Huge W," she replied. "And I've been talking to that Hentai Feet guy in Zettachat about getting more help. He's on Level Three."

  "Maybe we should ask around Gateway again," I wondered. "They should've unboxed weapons by now."

  "Good luck with that," Val huffed. "They're all cowards down there. I tried asking earlier and they told the loss prevention guy I was tryin' to mug them."

  I sighed and got up. "Let me try."

  "Reg and I have an idea to scout the Lair when you get back, bro," Chaz said. "You're gonna love it."

  I once again asked people to fight with us. Results were mixed.

  Cosmo and his crew had inspired a few people to step up, but they declined to come with us.

  "Sorry," Cosmo said, "but I think someone needs to stay back and keep the peace."

  "Are you sure? The shoplins haven't invaded so far..."

  "That could be a concern too," Cosmo said, "but really I was thinking about the spear guy in the toilet paper."

  "Sorry?"

  "Oh, someone unboxed a spear and claimed the toilet paper section," he said casually.

  I heard a shout from the west end of the store. "Stay back! Stay back! They're mine! A thousand Funbucks a roll!"

  "Do... do you need help?" I asked.

  "I asked Val's team to bring toilet paper from Huge W and crash the economy, then we'll subdue him," Cosmo said. "But I think I should stay to watch these guys."

  "Well... good luck."

  As for the rest of the store...

  "Whoop, my USB just flared up. IBS? Yeah, that. Gotta go..."

  "I-I can't take it. I'm sorry. I can't."

  "Stop being lazy and read my son a bedtime story! He's got enough stress from high school!"

  "I have a medical exemption!"

  "Still waiting for my share of the loot."

  "How about you buy a crate instead? 400 Funbucks, or you can introduce me to the tall hottie?"

  "Shoo. Go away please."

  "You don't understand!"

  "Stay back! This is MY ice cream! What, are you going to stop me with juice—my eyes!"

  When I led the few people who accepted back to Huge W, I found Reg and Chaz sitting on the sofas outside. Reg had a bunch of cheap-looking quadcopters on the carpet around him, and Chaz was trying to pilot one with a controller device.

  I sent the others inside. "What are you guys working on?"

  "Hey, cuz," Reg said. "We're gonna scout upstairs with this. The battery life sucks, but I don't think it matters right now."

  "Almost got the hang of it," Chaz said. "Come check it out."

  Reg and I gathered behind him as the quadcopter rose. The quadcopter's camera was linked to Chaz's phone, which he'd stuck to the controller; hopefully we'd see what was going on up there.

  Level Three had almost the same layout as the other floors, with a Bullseye department store above Huge W. The biggest difference was on the east side: instead of a wall of stores, a long sofa-filled corridor ran east to one of the mall's exits. Even from this distance we could see that the far end had been wallpapered in steel.

  The corridor was full of shoplins.

  A mall kiosk at the start of the corridor that once sold dubiously legal printed shirts had been turned into a guard post for a squad of six shoplins with bows and #SHOPGOALS tees. Behind them at least a dozen shoplins were jumping on sofas, reading magazines stolen from a nearby newsagent, or spraying bizarre symbols on the walls.

  Chaz took the quadcopter closer, slowly at first, but soon he was diving.

  "Got it. I'm sneaking the drone in," he said.

  "It's covered in lights and loud as hell," I said. "I think they're letting us in."

  Near the back, an advertising screen that sat between the sofas now displayed a strange, almost demonic logo and the words "MAGLOPITEK: Lord of Deals and Darkness!". Behind it, a group of shoplins did a horse-trot dance around an altar with a dead human sprawled on top.

  Beyond it, at the very back, a sofa had been converted into a makeshift throne. Pillars of scrap metal arced behind it, a crate suspended by plastic yellow chains between their peaks. A single shoplin sat on the throne, watching the dancing shoplins.

  She was larger than the others, almost teen-sized. She wore a red robe, hood down to reveal an amazing purple mohawk. In her hand she carried a rod that looked like a larger version of the Expiromancer's, with electronics fixed to the end with bolts and duct tape. Cables wrapped around the rod and converged on a glowing ring at the tip.

  She finally turned to look at us. As we watched she smiled, ran a thumb across her throat in an obvious threat, aimed her rod...

  ...and fired a crackling blast of purple energy straight into the quadcopter.

  The view errored out. We looked at each other.

  Reg spoke first. "Were those guys doing Gangnam Style?"

  Everyone gathered in Huge W's entrance.

  The other survivors had done their best. Maybe half had unboxed weapons; the rest had made do with things from the shelves. A lot of the healing cans they'd unboxed had gone to Michael, under the assumption that he could eyeball who needed a can and who could walk it off and quit being a baby. He had a huge wheeled cooler of the stuff.

  My party, Reg's, and Val's stood around a whiteboard near the checkouts, going over the plan. It wasn't complicated. We'd planned the opening moves, but the rest was basically freestyle.

  "I don't think the plan will get better than this," Chaz said. "Can the people in Bullseye help or what?"

  Kara looked up. "I just messaged Hentai_feet. He said some people will help, but a lot of them refused to come out. Also, he won't change his username."

  As Chaz made a note on the board, the manager Hugh pushed his way to the front.

  "Will, right?" He held out his phone. "I created plans for the upcoming battle. I think you need to read this."

  I accepted the phone carefully. "These are generated, right?"

  "Computers are great at plans," Hugh said. "They're going to take over the world one day, you know."

  "Okay, let me see." I started scrolling. "Plan One: First and foremost, call the local authorities, such as the police or law enforcement."

  Kara shook her head. "That would be Zeddie. I don't think he's gonna help."

  I moved on. "Two: Next, read Sun Tzu's The Art of War."

  Chaz looked at Hugh. "Like, for tactics?"

  "Don't ask me, ask the AI!"

  I continued. "Apparently it will help us 'get on that grindset' and 'make effective plans for success'—"

  Kara interrupted me. "How many of these are there?"

  "A few." I scrolled through the list. "Control the situation. Attempt a dialogue. Do more research on Apartheid and make your own—Hugh, did you read this before you came here?"

  Hugh looked confused. "The AI said it was fine."

  "Okay." I decided to go easy on him. "Hugh, we should start by controlling the situation. Could you hang in the back and direct people to Michael when they get hurt?"

  He beamed. "Absolutely!"

  Val watched Hugh go. "You know, for someone who hates taking the lead, you're pretty good at it."

  "I'm not taking the—" I began, and froze.

  Crap. I am, aren't I?

  I couldn't help it. Memories flashed through my mind, reminders of the last time someone was put in my care.

  "Hello?" Val said. "Earth to Will?"

  I didn't hear her. My heart started pounding. Would this work? This was barely a plan. We were practically flying blind. If something happened, if my shithouse plan fell apart, my friends were—

  Chaz grabbed my shoulders. "Bro!"

  I focused. "What?"

  He shook me a few times, just in case. "Bro, listen. We all agreed to go with this plan. It's only half your plan anyway. If something goes wrong and we explode, that's on us. Okay?"

  I took a deep breath, which wasn't easy with Chaz still shaking. "Okay."

  "Did I say something wrong?" Val asked. "I'm sorry!"

  "You're fine," I said. "Chaz, let go of me."

  He grinned and relented. "Ready to go?"

  "As ready as I can be."

  "Great!" Kara said. "Then let's go!"

  Harmony opened the shutters. I gripped my mace and tried to clear my head.

  Would this work? Time to find out.

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