The elevator could take around twenty people to Level Three at a time, now that Blayden's corpse had been fished out of it. My party went first just to be safe, Lex's shield at the ready.

  Nothing awaited us when the doors opened, but my shoplin Glamthing blazed.

  Bullseye lay ahead of us. It was similar to Huge W, but it had a second shutter on the right side which reached all the way to the elevator. Sofas filled the space in front, and a phone repair kiosk sat against the plaza's glass railing.

  The corridor was to our left, around the corner. If we took a few steps forward, the shoplins would spot us. We stuck close to the wall and sent the elevator back down.

  [ ZETTACHAT > Bippity Boppity It's Time To Shoppity > #raid-chat ]

  WillT Today at 12:05 AM

  Upstairs is clear.

  VVVVVV Today at 12:05 AM

  On our way!

  It's Reggie Today at 12:05 AM

  Ready Freddy!

  hentai_feet.mp4 Today at 12:05 AM

  We're here too. I got two people to help.

  Someone tapped on the other side of the shutter.

  hentai_feet.mp4 Today at 12:05 PM

  I gotta watch the door. The other guys in here want to keep it closed, so this is our compromise.

  SkullGirl33 Today at 12:05 PM

  That's fine. Get ready!

  We had an even better view of the sky up here. The tower was hidden behind clouds now, somehow. I fiddled with my mace and shield nervously, trying to focus.

  The doors opened. Joe the TV-headed teen was in front, with his friends and a few others behind him. They were carrying tables.

  SkullGirl33 Today at 12:06 PM

  Reg, go!

  Reg sent up another quadcopter and dived it right into the Lair. The shoplin at the back blew it up almost immediately. Chaz had speculated that the rod might have a cooldown time, and if it did, they'd just wasted it.

  That was our cue. "Let's go!"

  Lex jumped around the corner and threw up a Smak Rak in front of the archers' kiosk just as they began to react. Arrows bounced off the shield, and cracks began to form.

  No time to waste. Joe ran up beside Lex and activated his power. A strange spiral pattern flashed onto on his head-screen.

  Hed Telly's power, Channel X, was simple: it stunned anyone who looked at it. The archer shoplins stopped what they were doing to gaze at the screen, staring slack-jawed like they'd just met a YouTuber.

  It got less effective the more enemies looked at it, so they weren't stunned for long. It wasn't ideal. But we only needed a few seconds.

  I grabbed the Blood Orange I'd received from my second ever crate, gave it a squeeze, and used Khan Zoomer to toss it at the archer nest.

  Red juices squirted out of the orange as it flew, and hardened the second it hit the kiosk. It stuck to a wall, where it began to pulse and hum.

  The orange worked fast. By the time the shoplins came to their senses a few seconds later, it was practically screaming. When they realised what they were looking at, it was too late.

  "AAAA—"

  KABOOM! Juice and wood splinters splattered across Lex's shield as the kiosk exploded, taking the archers with it.

  [ You have defeated six Shoplin Headhunters! ]

  The nearby shoplins reeled, and the rest of the teens stepped up. The tables they brought from downstairs were quickly unfolded and slammed down between the corner and the nearest balustrade, forming a makeshift barricade. Lex and the others with ranged weapons lined up behind it.

  Val stood guard with her baseball bat. "Let's fucking go!"

  A few shoplins caught in the open were hit, but most dived behind the sofas or ducked into the stores. Some grabbed shopping baskets to use as shields. This was going to get dicey.

  We had help coming though. Val had sent the elevator back downstairs to pick up another load of customers, and a few impatient people were already racing up the escalators. Then there was Bullseye.

  The shutter by the elevator began to open, and two people slid out from under it: an older man with greying ponytail and a metal t-shirt, and a larger blue-haired woman in Warcrimes-branded gear. Both were carrying sporty bows; the woman's almost looked like the head of a trilobite.

  I helped them up. I'd ask their names later. "Thanks!"

  A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

  "Cheers," the woman said. "Let's do this!"

  The man nodded and followed her to the front lines as Chaz and Kara approached. I pulled my opened packet of Vitre-Os out of my pocket; I'd already given Kara the second serving in a ziplock bag.

  "Good luck," I said.

  "We'll be fine," Chaz said. "I got your back, bro."

  I crammed the Vitre-Os into my mouth. Cheesy puffs weren't meant to be this oily, but we gulped them down anyway.

  Kara followed my lead, and we faded from sight. Chaz used his ninja vanish. I could still see them both, but they were translucent.

  Chaz nodded at me to confirm he could see the same thing. "Oh hey, it worked."

  "Great!" I began to hustle. "Let's go!"

  The Shoplins were assaulting the barricades now. I found a gap, jumped the tables, and ran past them down the corridor.

  Khan's speed bonus was enough for me to pull ahead of the others as we raced across the tiles, dodging shoplins. At the back, the robed goblin was hopping off her throne. When I looked at her in-person, a special health bar with a skull icon appeared.

  [ XORKA, WARLOCK OF MAGLOPITEK

  MINIBOSS (TEAM LEAD) ]

  She stood there, sniffed the air... and pointed her rod right at me.

  Oh shit.

  Could she hear me or smell me? I just threw myself out of the way as an energy blast tore through the air.

  Before Xorka could recover, I swung my shopping maul. My invisibility glitched out for good as I smacked her in the shoulder. It didn't do much—I'd wiped out maybe five percent of her health bar. That was fine. I wasn't alone.

  Xorka hissed and jumped backwards, drawing a sickle with her other hand, readied herself, and turned to face Kara. The warlock could hear her running in.

  She couldn't hear Chaz though. The Strikebreaker Hammer sent her flying back again, almost to the exit.

  "Dammit, I don't think this counts as outnumbered," he said.

  I glanced at my wrist. Both Glamthings were glowing.

  "Shit! Zombies!"

  "Where?" Kara asked beside me. Now that we were visible, we couldn't see her.

  I looked around at the nearby shops. Post office with shattered glass walls to the left, variety store to the right. No obvious Expired. Xorka was getting up, and a few shoplins were turning back to protect her. No time to search.

  "I don't know! Just watch out!"

  Chaz moved to engage the other shoplins, leaving us to handle Xorka. She raised her rod again—and fired at the space Kara had been talking in.

  This time it clipped her side. She became visible again as she stumbled, her side scorched. The hit had wiped out a massive chunk of her health bar, and what was left was red. Kara screamed.

  I closed the distance with the maul before Xorka could get off another shot. She dropped the rod and slashed at me with her sickle, but I caught the first swing in the shield and pulled.

  Didn't work. She just pulled it free and kept coming. On the next swing, she turned the sickle at the last second and slashed my leg.

  "Hngh!" I only lost a third of my health, but I stumbled. Xorka spun, kicked out, and knocked me over.

  I dropped to the floor. She smirked, raised her sickle...

  I cocked my arm up and threw an extendo-punch into her face. That surprised her long enough for me to spin on the tiles and trip her right back. Two could play at that game!

  I hadn't thought further ahead. I just got to my feet, grabbed the maul, and started swinging.

  Three swings in, it cracked.

  "What the—"

  [ Congratulations! Your ZETTAMALL? Shopping Maul has broken! ]

  The maul glowed like an opening crate as it split and crumbled. A new weapon clattered to the floor—a bow and quiver painted in clashing plaid patterns.

  [ You have received a Confused Husband Cratepopper! ]

  I didn't have time to read the rest, but it didn't matter—what mattered was that it had traded my weapon for a bow in the middle of a fucking melee.

  Xorka grinned and slashed my other leg. As I fell, she rolled away and grabbed her rod. I struggled to get up.

  An empty Cherry Healing can clattered on the tiles as Kara slid in front of me, her spear crackling with purple lightning.

  "My turn! Heal up!"

  She was still suffering from a Death Discount, and the Cherry Healing can that should have restored her health had only filled half. Even the regeneration effect was working slowly. She wouldn't last long on her own. She attacked anyway.

  I scrambled to a safe distance and cracked my own Cherry can. I wasn't injured enough to start regenerating, but I couldn't afford to drink uncalibrated right now.

  The Expired finally showed up as I chugged. They were in the variety store after all—fifteen streamed out, including a screaming baby Expired in a pram.

  "WAAAH!"

  I almost choked. "Shit!"

  "I got it!" Chaz rushed in with the hammer. Against this many foes, the weapon activated. Pink light strips around the head lit up, and Chaz was suddenly knocking them down like bowling pins.

  I glanced back the way we'd come. Chaz had wiped out the shoplins coming for us, but our back line was advancing—the teens had moved the tables past the remains of the kiosk. That was pushing more shoplins back towards us. Kara's spear hit hard, but Xorka was only down to half. Things were going to get ugly fast.

  No time to think. I threw my arm out. Xorka leapt back, but she hadn't seen how far my arm could go.

  I grabbed her robe, yanked her towards me, and threw my other fist out. My punch connected, and I wrestled her to the floor before she could recover.

  "Kara! Now!"

  I pushed her sickle away and didn't let go. She kicked and scratched at me, but I was able to hold her long enough for Kara to get a few good stabs in. Her health dropped faster than mine, and soon it hit the red...

  Xorka made a complicated gesture with her other hand, and her fingertips glowed. Her rod glowed in reply, lifted itself off the ground, and spun into her hand.

  Before I could react, she shot me point blank in the stomach.

  BLAM! "GAAAAH!"

  I couldn't hang on. My new hoodie soaked some of the blow since it was just the three of us, but it was still devastating. I doubled over in pain.

  Kara pierced Xorka again, but it wasn't enough. She screamed as Xorka's sickle tore into her leg.

  Chaz couldn't break away from the Expired in time. As Kara stumbled, Xorka turned her rod back towards me, grinned maniacally, and—

  Thock!

  —screamed as an arrow thudded into her shoulder.

  She only had a sliver of health left now. I made a silent prayer to whichever angel had just saved me, dived for my new quiver, grabbed an arrow, and lunged.

  I could have said a one-liner as I stabbed her in the neck, but frankly I was busy.

  [ You have defeated Xorka! ]

  [ +5 EXP! +$300! ]

  The warlock crumpled. I lay back on the ground, gasping for air.

  The others had punched through to our end of the Lair just in time. People chased the surviving shoplins into the stores as my saviour stood over me.

  Troy bowed.

  "You're welcome, son."

  "Oh, for fuck's sake—"

  [ LAIR CLEAR ]

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