We all face challenges in life that we didn't expect. My little bro once had to swap roles in a school play at the last minute. My university classmate Cerberus was named Cerberus. My mate Chaz was recently transported to a space mall in a distant galaxy.

  My latest challenge was trying to figure out how to look normal while dragging a dead body back to base.

  Once I'd changed into fresh clothes, I used the sledgehammer to make a hole. It was pretty simple: I pointed it at the walls of the fitting rooms until I got the hole in a good spot, activated the hammer to lock it in, then hit it. The entire area exploded into glowing cubes and dissolved, leaving behind a square hole with smooth edges and round corners.

  Stepping through took us to the back of a café in the central plaza, around the corner from AJ's. We wrapped the body in a sheet and dragged it from there.

  "This sucks," Chaz complained, as the body bounced along the tiles. "I'm not even mad about the altar, I'm mad I got robbed on the leaderboard. I wanted those crates."

  "What do they do?" I asked, partly to distract myself from the corpse flopping around.

  "The first lair crate you open from each boss gives you a pin," Chaz explained. "It's worth some kind of points at the end of the tutorial. Better crates give better pins. I was saving my upgrade key for one."

  "I got two gold crates from that last one," Lex said. "You can have one if you want."

  "And we should have enough silvers to get everyone something," I assured him.

  Chaz relaxed. "Yeah, okay."

  People had already set up barricades in the east plaza corridors, using store shelves and the mall's expandable security barriers. The guards gave us odd looks as we dragged the tarp through.

  "Didn't want to leave him behind," I said. Technically true.

  I checked the rest of my new achievements as we dragged the body across the plaza. I'd mostly received more basic crates, but there were a couple of PvP achievements—Murray died, but at least we had some boxes of crap to remember him by.

  [ Mêlée à Trois

  Survive a three-way fight in a Lair.

  Reward: +1 Battle-Tested Slapfight Crate ]

  [ Survive Odd

  Survive a fight with a PvP OddBot.

  Reward: +1 Battered Slapfight Crate ]

  Kara noticed it too. "One of these guys got a PvP bot? Why?!"

  "It kind of makes sense," Chaz said. "I got offered my bots because I'm a man of culture. Dicks must get offered bots for dicks."

  We took the corpse to the far corner of the plaza, into the nail salon where Lex hid when she first got in here. As the others laid it out, I retrieved the "potion". I'd already planned out the questions I wanted to ask.

  "Do you need to know his name?" Chaz asked, tossing me the man's wallet.

  "I don't think so." I caught it anyway and unstoppered the flask. "Okay, stand back. Here I go..."

  I chugged the shake. The spikes on the fruit kept it from plugging the shaft, but I almost wish it had, because the shake was awful. It tasted like the shoplins saw one of those rage-bait cooking videos where someone mixes a bunch of bullshit ingredients together and actually tried making it.

  If I could hold this down, I'd get a temporary health buff. My stomach absolutely did not want to do that. It gurgled. I decided to not fight it, to just try letting it out slowly—

  "hhuuuuuuuruuhhuhhggg!"

  I projectile vomited all over the body, most of the floor around it, and some of the wall. The others leapt back just in time.

  "Hey, man!" Chaz complained. "These shoes are good loot!"

  "I think I'm gonna spew next," Lex said queasily.

  "Okay, so you can have the rest of those shakes," Kara said.

  I wiped my mouth. Now it tasted like milkshake and heartburn. "Well, that was gross."

  As we watched, the corpse's eyes, mouth, and wound began to glow blue. It blinked and sat up.

  "Yikes," Chaz said. "So that's the guy..."

  "It might not be," I said. "Chat With Dead's description makes it sound a bit like that app Hugh uses."

  "My cousin used that," Kara said idly. "He talked to it like it was a person. He tried to date it, but he stopped because we kept stealing his phone and making it pretend to be a goose."

  The body watched us impassively, milkshake dripping off its face. A number "5" was floating above its head. The spell wouldn't last forever.

  I cleared my throat and checked the wallet. "So, uh... wait, Callcium? Jesus Christ."

  "Yes, that's me," Callcium's corpse said. There was a crackle to his voice, like he was using a microphone wrong.

  The number ticked down to 4.

  "Wait, that didn't count as a— fuck!"

  "Bro—" Chaz began.

  "I know!" I turned back to Callcium. "How does your OddBot work?"

  "Prawncamp let me zoom in on far-away objects and see the stats of Zettamall items, including OddBotz," Callcium hissed. 3.

  That pretty much confirmed it was a PvP bot, which answered another question I had. I decided to take a risk and angle for more information.

  "Okay... How does your leader's OddBot work?"

  "Casso-Wary sets alarm traps and grants a bonus to melee attacks."

  So, Daddy_Big_Pants. That answered another question. 2.

  "Ask why they're being losers," Kara whispered.

  "He could just say they're trying to survive, or something like that," I said. "How about... where is your base?"

  "Toys B. Goode."

  West plaza, Level Two, near an exit in an extension to the north. That was easily avoided, at least. 1.

  Last question. There were so many I could ask. How many of them were there? Why form a PvP group? Who gets a bonus to melee attacks and runs around with a crossbow?

  ...But we could find most of those out later. Something else was rattling around my head.

  I pointed at Lex. "The old guy that was with you really hated my friend here. Why?"

  Callcium turned to look at her.

  "She's probably the one who pushed his niece out of his van."

  "What?" Lex sputtered, but the spell was already fading. The number ticked down to 0 and vanished, the light died, and the body hit the floor with a milky splat.

  [ Veni, Vidi, Vomui

  Use a shoplin shake to reanimate a body.

  Reward: +1 Bronze Shoplin Crate ]

  [ Mortui Vivos Docent

  Interrogate a corpse.

  Reward: +1 WARCRIMES Pillage Crate ]

  "But that's not what... I didn't... Why would he..."

  I sighed. "I think this is going to get complicated."

  Callcium was decked out in Zettamall items. Most of them had stats that made them good for fighting other humans and prominent logos for some PvP brand called Slop Sucker, but he did have a useful slap bracelet.

  [ A Hyperquazar Slapper: Violet Sniper! Gain +4 Accuracy against uninjured targets.

  Hyperquazar: Xtreme Kewl Gear! ]

  We gave that to Lex. She'd stumbled into it by accident, but she was becoming a pretty good ranged fighter. Everything else was left with Callcium before we sealed him in the salon.

  "So, what's the plan?" I asked the others.

  "It's fifteen minutes until OddBotz selection," Chaz said. "We could do some shopping until everyone gets back."

  "Maybe I should go give out my Gold OddBotz Card," Lex said, nervously. That last conversation had rattled her. "Been thinking about chucking some people money for bots too, if you reckon it's a good idea..."

  "It is, yeah," I said. "Having more people with a bot would be pretty huge, right?"

  I was sitting on $1075, and Lex must have earned more after nuking that Lair. We could hit Dandy's and get ourselves even more loot, but it wasn't enough for us to survive. We had to help other people survive too.

  Chaz thought the same way, more or less. "I think if we field another raid of mostly regular people we're going to get our shit rocked. Last time was bad enough."

  I winced. "Yeah. I have a Silver OddBotz Card I haven't given out yet..."

  "Let me take care of it," Kara offered. "And I'll pitch in too. I'm close to twelve hundred."

  As I gave her the card, a thought occurred.

  "Actually, you and Chaz didn't get your limited crates, right? The ones from Dandy's."

  "No. They're like a thousand bucks..." Kara paused as realisation dawned. "Oh! But we get a Gold card from those, right? Sneaky!"

  "Yeah, keeping the loot and trading the card would be a good play," Chaz said. "I've only got six hundred and fifteen though..."

  "I'll cover it," I said. "We have coupons anyway. Just make sure not to spend everything."

  We swung by Dandy's first. The shop had a few more empty shelves, but Kara found her limited crate—the .CYBERCULT Lost Souls Box, a black-and-red affair with a glowing golden rune.

  Chaz's Contrasht crate was already gone.

  "Sorry, pal," Dandy said. "Man with a pineapple picked it up not long ago."

  Yuzumaki appeared beside Chaz. "Painapple! That perennial scoundrel!"

  "They must have come through while we were busy raiding," I guessed. "Where are they hiding?"

  Dandy shrugged. "If you want one, I'll restock my crates after OddBotz selection. They might not be the same ones. We'll see."

  We could worry about that later. "Alright, thanks anyway."

  "No problem! Just so you know, I'm closing for half an hour at noon," Dandy warned. "It's break time. I need some water in the worst way!"

  This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.

  While Kara paid, I tagged our allies over Zettachat.

  WillT Today at 11:44 AM

  What's the situation? Anyone still need help?

  amateurUFOlogist Today at 11:44 AM

  Everyone I know is sorted! :thumbsup:

  It's Reggie Today at 11:44 AM

  All good here! Most people should be getting bots. The gold card you gave Harmony helped a lot.

  Lexy Today at 11:44 AM

  I have a gold Mister Sportsball card if you want it!

  It's Reggie Today at 11:44 AM

  That'd be great! I'll come to you.

  Harm Today at 11:44 AM

  It's not all good here!

  Some people found out about the limited edition bots and are being really annoying about borrowing a thousand. I've broken up like three fights.

  It's Reggie Today at 11:45 AM

  But we're handling it, yeah?

  Harm Today at 11:45 AM

  Who's we??

  VVVVVV Today at 11:45 AM

  Tell them that the limited bots are already sold out!

  Shirokage428 Today at 11:45 AM

  750-800 seems to be the sweet spot for guaranteed good bots, based on the last round. You'd be better off giving everyone that much.

  VVVVVV Today at 11:46 AM

  By the way, we moved to the top food court for now. Some guy keeps hounding us for loot and he started threatening to call security if we didn't pay him. I didn't want to make things harder for you by kicking him in the dick.

  You guys should come up here, the item shop is wild.

  SkullGirl33 Today at 11:46 AM

  Oh, invite people to our Zettachat if you can!

  TroyTheFirst Today at 11:46 AM

  Val, Sanjay tells me you robbed some poor man of thousands of Funbucks and kicked him in the groin?

  VVVVVV Today at 11:47 AM

  Sanjay can suck my dick. Cosmo can back me up.

  CosmicAcai Today at 11:47 AM

  Cosmo here. I don't agree with the fellatio, but I can confirm that the teens haven't robbed anybody. I heard the man threatening her.

  I'm more worried about the kid who isn't level two yet.

  WillT Today at 11:47 AM

  WHAT?

  I used Khan to jump straight down the plaza, ahead of the others.

  Everyone had retreated to the anchor stores, and now they were bustling. Survivors were huddled in groups, making plans, trying to decide whether to save anything for keys. Some people were making last-minute attempts to squeeze out a few bucks by begging strangers or selling crates.

  Cosmo was waiting at the customer service desk, where Troy still held court. Three people were with them: a middle-aged woman with glasses, her mousy teenage son, and a guy in a varsity sweatshirt. He'd refused to fight with us earlier, but expected a share of the loot.

  "Hey, man! What's going on?"

  "Hello, Will," Cosmo said. "These three people had to leave the raid early, so they're a little short on experience. Juice?"

  "Uh, apple-mango please." I turned to the trio. "What happened? How much do you need?"

  "Oh, I couldn't let my boy stay when it got dangerous," the woman said breezily. "You can help us, right?"

  Troy leaned in to whisper. "I think we should just ditch them."

  I ignored him and turned to her son. He looked about Val's age, but he was a lot less proactive. I hadn't seen him without his mother.

  "Alright, how much experience do you and your mum need?"

  "Um, I'm at fourty?" he said cautiously. "And she's fourty-five."

  "I'm fourty years young, thank you," the woman sniffed.

  I turned to Varsity Man. "What about you?"

  "Fourty," he said. "But if you just give me the loot I asked for, I'll level up. That's what Zeddie said."

  I stared at him. "He never said that."

  He considered this for a while.

  "No, he did," he said eventually.

  The others had caught up. I rubbed my head and looked at Chaz. "Could you..."

  "I got it," he said, handing over a pair of gloves. "Try this. Callcium had 'em."

  As Chaz handled that, I sent out a message in our Zettachat's main room.

  WillT Today at 11:49 AM

  Gateway has three people who didn't get enough experience. We need at least 10 EXP. Any ideas?

  covid spreader Today at 11:49 AM

  Didn't you just do a raid too? Jesus.

  amateurUFOlogist Today at 11:49 AM

  Got any more secrets?

  baaaaaaz Today at 11:49 AM

  Can they give you their crates before they die?

  burger haven wifi Today at 11:50 AM

  There's still Expired outside the top level food court. They just keep reviving. You could farm those.

  "Hey, this isn't doing anything!" Varsity Man said. He'd put on the gloves. "You lied to me!"

  WillT Today at 11:50 AM

  How many?

  burger haven wifi Today at 11:50 AM

  Not sure, but they haven't stopped coming. I think a necromancer is fucking with us.

  VKlerk87 Today at 11:50 AM

  I can check for you. One moment.

  VKlerk87 Today at 11:51 AM

  Fourteen. Want us to corral them?

  WillT Today at 11:51 AM

  Yes, please. Sending them your way.

  "Want me to escort them for you?" Cosmo asked.

  "If you could, I'd appreciate it," I said. "We can ask around, make sure nobody else—"

  Troy hit the microphone. "Attention, shoppers! Can anyone with fewer than 50 experience points please come to customer service? You can check how many you have by—"

  Harm Today at 11:52 AM

  We have a couple people who could use 5 EXP. Can we go with you?

  CosmicAcai Today at 11:52 AM

  We'll take the elevator up and wait for you.

  Kara pressed a gold OddBotz card into the kid's hand as they left. "Oh, and take this! Use it to get a nice bot. Give your mum your Funbucks so she can get one too!"

  "We're still gonna help people, yeah?" Lex asked. "I got cash."

  "I'm good for Funbucks, but if you want to help me buy items..." Troy began.

  Before I could say anything, Kara slapped the silver card I'd given her on the counter. "For you!"

  "Kara!"

  She just winked at me. I rolled my eyes and sent another message.

  WillT Today at 11:53 AM

  Hey man, how are you on Funbucks?

  amateurUFOlogist Today at 11:53 AM

  500 here! Everyone from my area has a nice healthy amount.

  WillT Today at 11:53 AM

  Want some more? You can guarantee good ones for you and your mates.

  amateurUFOlogist Today at 11:54 AM

  I won't say no! I'll see you in a sec.

  "Keep five hundred each, just in case," I added to the others.

  Manaia bounded out of an aisle a few moments later, a backpack in his arms. "Hey!"

  "Oh, you were here already?" I asked, as I glanced at his backpack. It was packed with protein bars. Manaia had grabbed entire boxes.

  "One or two," he said.

  "No worries, I don't care. Here." I offered him a fist-bump to transfer the funds.

  [ You have transferred $575 to Manaia Mita. (New Total: $500) ]

  The others transferred some funds too.

  Manaia smiled. "Cheers! I'll see you after OddBotz selection, yeah?"

  "Yeah," I said. "And don't worry about—"

  Manaia was already jogging away. "Sorry, I'm too far away to hear you say it's a gift! Guess I'll have to pay you back! Bye!"

  I let it go and turned to the others. "That's everything, right?"

  Chaz shrugged. "Everything we can do."

  I tried to relax and glanced at Zettachat. It seemed like everyone in our plaza would survive, but it couldn't hurt to check...

  WillT Today at 11:56 AM

  Everyone alright?

  CosmicAcai Today at 11:56 AM

  Everyone will be level 2 in a minute. Thanks Vaughn.

  VKlerk87 Today at 11:56 AM

  No problem. Lunch in the food court? It's the safest place to enter selection.

  CosmicAcai Today at 11:56 AM

  Absolutely!

  covid spreader Today at 11:57 AM

  We have one badly injured guy, keeps fading in and out of consciousness. No idea if we got him enough EXP.

  Here comes the moment of truth, I guess!

  Sally S Today at 11:57 AM

  We got robbed by some guys in bandanas when we tried to hunt. The fuckers broke my cousin's leg so he couldn't hunt.

  We just need 2 EXP. Please help. We're in Bedding Overlord.

  VKlerk87 Today at 11:57 AM

  Shit. Okay.

  We're coming. Get him closer to the food court if you can.

  Mizza Today at 11:58 AM

  Took shelter in Kevin's and there's a family here that's given up.

  They said they learned something about the mall and they don't want to be here any more. They're just praying.

  Fuck this place.

  "Jesus," I muttered.

  Kara patted my back. "You helped everyone you could. That's enough."

  "Actually..." Troy began.

  A man slightly too old to be wearing a backwards baseball cap had just approached the desk. He was standing there, arms folded.

  "Hey. You got experience for me?"

  I blinked. "Excuse me?"

  "The announcement said that if I'm level one I can come down for free experience," he said. "So...?"

  I just boggled.

  Lex spoke for me. "Why didn't you come sooner, mate?"

  "Or raid at least," Chaz said.

  "I had to take a dump," he said. "Anyway, I don't need to do all that. I got a loyalty card, see?"

  He took out his loyalty card and held it out.

  I stared at it.

  It was a Gateway card. Like for groceries.

  I stared at the man.

  Lex checked the time and dropped a shield in front of us.

  POP!

  [ Customer 104/L3 has been released from our membership program. Thank you for visiting the ZETTAMALL?. ]

  The man exploded in a spray of bloody mist, coating the floor and the shield and ruining a display of half-price toilet paper. The shield cracked.

  Lex dismissed it. The liquid dropped, revealing a pile of bloody clothing.

  We stared.

  Troy cleared his throat. "We have more paper in the back, right?"