TUTORIAL

  (SAM wakes up in a jail cell. He sits up slowly, confused.)

  SAM: Where am I? A jail? The last thing I remember was... my apartment. Emily on the phone.

  SAM: … A forest, Emily said she was in a forest.

  (He looks around.)

  SAM: ... Okay! This is not the forest.

  (EMILY is sitting in the corner of the same cell, watching him.)

  EMILY: Took you long enough to wake up.

  SAM: Whoa! Who are you? I have a girlfriend. And 10,000 people watching me. Probably.

  (He checks his pockets.)

  SAM: Where's my phone. Chat's gonna think I ghosted them.

  EMILY: Sam. It's me. Emily.

  SAM: Emily? You look... different.

  EMILY: Different how?

  SAM: Like... your Instagram pictures don't look the same. No wait, that's not—

  EMILY: Focus. The witch attacked me. And you. I think.

  SAM: Right. The witch. The forest. The "deal has been made" lady.

  SAM: So what happened after the call cut?

  EMILY: She did some hand wavey stuff. Everything went weird. Then I woke up here.

  SAM: And...?

  (Pause)

  (Looks at self)

  EMILY: And... well. Look.

  SAM: ...Are you taller?

  EMILY: I'm a femboy now, Sam.

  (Silence.)

  SAM: I'M SORRY, WHAT?

  EMILY: The witch turned me into a femboy. That's what happened.

  SAM: That's... that's a thing that can happen?

  EMILY: Apparently!

  SAM: I used to yearn for days like this.

  EMILY: What?

  SAM: But you were— I mean, we were— and now you're—

  EMILY: Yep.

  SAM: ...

  EMILY: ...

  SAM: Can I see under there?

  EMILY: Under where?

  SAM: Haha. I made you say underwear.

  EMILY: … don't say weird stuff.

  SAM: I was NOT.

  EMILY: You DID.

  SAM: Okay, maybe. But in my defense, you're very convincing as a—

  EMILY: SAM.

  SAM: Right. Sorry.

  (Pause)

  SAM: So... the witch. We need to find her?

  EMILY: Obviously. She did this to me. She needs to turn me back to a girl.

  SAM: And if she doesn't?

  EMILY: Then I'm a cute femboy forever. RAAAH.

  SAM: You're taking this weirdly well.

  EMILY: I panicked for like five seconds. Then I realized panicking doesn't help.

  SAM: Fair. Okay. So we find the witch. We get you turned back. Simple.

  EMILY: Simple.

  (They stand there.)

  SAM: How do we leave this cell?

  EMILY: ...Good question.

  (They look around. No door. No windows.)

  SAM: Do we... shout for help?

  EMILY: This feels like a video game.

  SAM: What?

  EMILY: Because look at this. I'm a femboy and we are together … alone in this room.

  SAM: Wait.. ww-what are you suggesting…

  EMILY: I just mean, this doesn't seem real, Does it?

  SAM: That's ridiculous. Life isn't a—

  (A voice echoes)

  TUTORIAL GUY: Hello! Hello! You're finally awake.

  SAM: WHO SAID THAT.

  TUTORIAL GUY: Me! The tutorial guy! I was born to say that line!

  EMILY: Told you. Tutorial.

  SAM: This isn't a game.

  TUTORIAL GUY: Oh but it is! Welcome to Femboy Adventures!

  SAM: That name does not scare me.

  EMILY: It should.

  SAM: Wait, you knew the name?

  EMILY: I mean... it makes sense now.

  TUTORIAL GUY: Click anywhere to move!

  TUTORIAL GUY: Click anywhere. I was born to say that.

  SAM: Wow! I'm moving.

  EMILY: Look at you.

  EMILY: Learning.

  SAM: ...Huh.

  (They step out. It's a hallway.)

  TUTORIAL GUY: Good! Good! You're moving! This is my favorite part!

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  SAM: Why do I move like this?

  TUTORIAL GUY: Because precision is a privilege.

  EMILY: He means the controls are bad.

  TUTORIAL GUY: I was born to give bad news!

  (They walk. The hallway stretches.)

  SAM: Hey. Can I ask something?

  EMILY: If it's about the underwear again—

  SAM: It's NOT. It's about... you know. The femboy thing.

  EMILY: What about it?

  SAM: Do you... feel different? Inside?

  EMILY: I feel... prettier. Like, unfairly pretty. It's annoying.

  SAM: That's not what I meant.

  EMILY: I know exactly what you meant. And no. I'm still me. Just... femboy edition.

  SAM: Huh.

  EMILY: Why? Worried you won't like me this way?

  SAM: No! I mean— you're still Emily. Just... with better posture.

  EMILY: Aww.

  SAM: Shut up.

  (They walk a bit more.)

  SAM: So the witch. Any idea where she is?

  TUTORIAL GUY: The forest! Obviously! I was born to state the obvious!

  SAM: Stop doing that.

  TUTORIAL GUY: Can't. It's my purpose. I was born to say I was born.

  EMILY: He's funny.

  SAM: He would probably get 0 views if he was a streamer.

  (They reach a door. It slides open automatically.)

  TUTORIAL GUY: Congratulations! You've completed the tutorial! I was born to celebrate small victories!

  SAM: That was the tutorial? We walked for like two minutes.

  TUTORIAL GUY: Narrative efficiency!

  EMILY: He means the devs were lazy.

  TUTORIAL GUY: I was born to cover for their laziness!

  SAM: What dev? Are there developers of this game?

  EMILY: Well duh, someone gotta make the game, right?

  SAM: How do you know that?

  EMILY: Just common sense.

  …

  (The path ahead splits into two directions.)

  TUTORIAL GUY: In this locus we stand, present.

  SAM: Emily, what did he say?

  Emily: He said “we are here”.

  TUTORIAL GUY: Our paths finishes here.

  EMILY: he said—

  SAM: Okay I get it, I get it.

  SAM: He's just scared of what's ahead.

  TUTORIAL GUY: No. No. No. I was born to stay here. I can't go further.

  (He bows. Fades away.)

  SAM: ...I'm gonna miss him.

  EMILY: You literally just met him.

  SAM: He understood me.

  EMILY: Do you dislike him or not? Bruh.

  SAM: Hehe..

  …

  SAM: Left or right?

  EMILY: Left.

  SAM: Why?

  EMILY: Because right looks suspicious.

  SAM: Fair.

  (They go left.)

  EMILY: W-Whats that?

  (The area gets darker.)

  The prison

  (The area gets darker.)

  (A metal door slides open.)

  SAM: Oh great. More jail vibes.

  EMILY: It's a prison…

  EMILY: Sam…There’s someone inside. A little girl?

  PRISONER: Psst.

  SAM: Nope.

  PRISONER: Hey! With the main character haircut!

  SAM: I said nope.

  PRISONER: I trapped. Open the door.

  EMILY: You didn't say please.

  PRISONER: Please..

  PRISONER: There, I said it. Open it Now.

  SAM: You sound angry.

  PRISONER: I AM angry.

  PRISONER: I hate this cage.

  PRISONER: And I hate femboys.

  (Pause.)

  EMILY: …What.

  SAM: Excuse me?

  PRISONER: Yeah I said it.

  PRISONER: Too soft. Too pretty. Too much eyelashes.

  EMILY: That’s kinda rude. As a professional femboy, I'm offended.

  PRISONER: It’s fact.

  SAM: Yeah, she's definitely evil. I don't like her.

  PRISONER: I am NOT evil.

  PRISONER: I just… very mad and little hungry.

  EMILY: Sam, but—

  SAM: No.

  EMILY: What if she’s important?

  SAM: What if she bites.

  PRISONER: I don’t bite. much.

  PRISONER: (muttering) Only when really hungry. Or really angry. So right now... maybe little bite.

  SAM: SEE?!

  EMILY: …I think we should open it.

  SAM: Of course you do.

  (Pause.)

  (A lever is pulled.)

  (The door opens.)

  PRISONER: Finally.

  PRISONER: Took you idiots long enough.

  (She steps out.)

  (She cracks her knuckles.)

  PRISONER: Fear me.

  (Silence.)

  PRISONER: Please fear me.

  SAM: I feel nothing.

  PRISONER: Wow, Okay. Rude.

  PRISONER: Name’s RANI.

  RANI: Professional villain.. Still learning.

  EMILY: You’re a girl right?

  RANI: Tomboy. Learn difference.

  SAM: Noted.

  RANI: Anyway, me hungry. Got snacks?

  SAM: Emily is the biggest snack here.

  EMILY: (Blushes) Stop it!

  SAM: Cute.

  RANI: Ew. Ew ew ew. Femboy flirting. My eyes. My poor eyes.

  EMILY: Hey!

  RANI: No. I traumatized now. Need snacks to recover.

  SAM: We don't have snacks.

  RANI: What kind of adventurers carry NO snacks?!

  EMILY: The realistic kind?

  RANI: Realistic is boring. Snacks are life.

  (She checks her pockets. Finds nothing.)

  RANI: Fine. I survive. Barely. This is villain suffering.

  (Tutorial Guy appears behind them.)

  NPC: Congratulations on progressing—

  RANI: Oh shut up.

  (Smoke.)

  (Smoke clears.)

  (TUTORIAL GUY is gone.)

  SAM: …

  EMILY: …

  RANI: So. Small problem.

  SAM: Where is he.

  RANI: I kidnapped him. Using magic.

  EMILY: WHY?!

  RANI: For villain practice.

  SAM: That’s not practice.

  RANI: Yes it is. Google said so.

  SAM: Google also tells people to eat glue.

  RANI: Don’t insult Google.

  RANI: Well, since I'm not so cruel. I tell you where I hid him. That way..

  (Points a direction.)

  EMILY: We have to save him!

  SAM: Emily, he literally told us to click better.

  EMILY: Still. Please.

  SAM: … Uhh we’re going in the same direction anyway.

  SAM: So okay.

  RANI: See. Smart decision by stupid people.

  EMILY: LET'S GO.

  EMILY: To save the tutorial guy.

  SAM: Okay. Whatever.

  —

  RANI: So. Where you two from.

  SAM: What?

  RANI: Where from. What place.

  EMILY: Uh... We're from—

  RANI: Wait no don't tell me. Let me guess.

  RANI: You. (points at SAM) From... sad city.

  SAM: That's not a real place.

  RANI: Yes it is. Full sad people. You one of them.

  SAM: I'm not sad.

  RANI: You look sad.

  SAM: This is just my face.

  RANI: Oh. Sorry. My bad.

  SAM: Hey!

  (She points Emily.)

  RANI: You. From... online?

  EMILY: Umm.. What makes you say that?

  RANI: You move like internet person. Too smooth. Too practiced. Like you performing.

  EMILY: You mean I'm like an idol.

  RANI: No. Like a stupid dumb femboy.

  SAM: She needs better insults. Learn from chats in my streams.

  —

  SAM: So Rani. How long you been in that cell?

  RANI: Long time. Few days? Few weeks? Time weird here.

  EMILY: That's awful.

  RANI: Eh. Had snacks first day. Then no snacks. Then sad. Then angry. Then sad again. Cycle of life.

  SAM: Wait you had snacks in the cell?

  RANI: Yeah. Stole them before got caught.

  EMILY: You stole snacks and then got arrested?

  RANI: Worth it. Best snacks of my life.

  SAM: What snacks?

  RANI: Chocolate. Cookies. Chips. One apple but apple was sad so I didn't eat it.

  EMILY: The apple was sad?

  SAM: You mean the apple was rotten?

  RANI: Yeah. Bruised. Looked like it been through war. I respect that apple. Left it alone.

  (Path splits in 2 ways. Left and right.)

  RANI: Left.

  EMILY: Why left?

  RANI: Because right has traps.

  SAM: How do you know?

  RANI: I set them.

  SAM: ...Of course you did.

  (They go left.)

  (The path opens into a small rest area.)

  (Two bathroom doors. Men. Women.)

  EMILY: Uh wait... which one do I... go in?

  SAM: What do you mean?

  EMILY: I mean I... I'm... you know... a boy now? But... not really?

  SAM: Oh no...

  RANI: OHHHH! Look at you! Big femboy energy... can't pee without asking!

  EMILY: Hey! Don't!

  RANI: Don't?! Don't?! You asking me which door?! HA! I'm not your guide!

  SAM: She's brutal.

  RANI: Brutal? No. Truth. And funny. Very funny.

  EMILY: I feel embarrassed.

  RANI: Embarrassed? Pfft. Cry baby femboy. First time in bathroom... panic mode. Classic.

  (EMILY hesitates.)

  RANI: Quick. Pick one. Or I'll pick for you.

  EMILY: Okay, okay! That one!

  RANI: WRONG! HA! You picked "girl"? Hilarious!

  SAM: I can't... this is too good.

  RANI: Don't look at me, idiot. You too soft.

  EMILY: I'm never asking again.

  RANI: Good. That's the spirit.

  (Emily goes to the women’s bathroom.)

  (SAM and RANI wait.)

  RANI: She nice.

  SAM: Yeah. She is.

  RANI: You lucky. Even if she femboy now.

  SAM: She's still Emily. That's what matters.

  RANI: ...That nice.

  (Beat.)

  RANI: Don't tell her I said that.

  SAM: Said what?

  RANI: That thing. The nice thing.

  SAM: What nice thing?

  RANI: Exactly.

  (EMILY returns.)

  (EMILY sits down on a nearby crate. She's quiet. Too quiet.)

  RANI: What. You break something in there?

  EMILY: No, I just...

  SAM: You okay?

  EMILY: I don't know. I looked in the mirror. And for a second... I didn't recognize myself.

  RANI: But you look same. Pretty much. Just… femboy version.

  EMILY: That's the thing. I don't look the same. My face is different. My hands are different. Everything's different.

  (Beat.)

  EMILY: When I was in there, I kept thinking... what if I wake up tomorrow and I'm used to this? What if I forget what it felt like to be a girl?

  SAM: You won't forget.

  EMILY: How do you know?

  SAM: Because you're you. Girl, boy, femboy, whatever. You're still Emily. That doesn't change.

  EMILY: You really believe that?

  SAM: I'm looking at you right now. Same person I've always seen.

  EMILY: ...What if I'm not, though?

  SAM: Not what?

  EMILY: Nothing. Just... femboy brain. Thinking too much.

  EMILY: Anyway! Bathroom acquired. Mission accomplished. Let's go commit crimes or whatever.

  (She walks ahead. SAM watches her for a beat.)

  RANI: She lying.

  SAM: About what?

  RANI: Something. Don't know what. But she lying.

  SAM: ...Yeah. I noticed.

  (They follow her.)

  (A puzzle. Two pressure plates. A door.)

  RANI: Simple. Stand on both.

  (She stands on one. Nothing happens.)

  RANI: ...Hmm.

  EMILY: You need both.

  RANI: I know that. I was testing.

  (EMILY steps on the other plate. Door opens.)

  EMILY: See? Teamwork.

  RANI: Don't call it that. It's temporary alliance.

  —

  EMILY: …Hey Rani. Um why do you… hate femboys so much?

  RANI: Hate? I don’t hate, I just correct them.

  SAM: Correct them?

  RANI: Yeah. They wrong. They soft. Too pretty. Make people confused.

  EMILY: …Okay… but why personally?

  RANI: Fine. Story. But dumb.

  SAM: …This gonna be dumb, isn’t it.

  RANI: Yep. When I little… some gay femboy… stole my snacks.

  EMILY: …Snacks?

  RANI: Snacks! Chocolate, cookies… all gone! Made me cry! Big tears!

  SAM: …And that made you… evil?

  RANI: …Yes. Important. Lesson learned.

  EMILY: …That’s… really dumb.

  RANI: Dumb? No. Smart. Very smart.

  SAM: …Smart how?

  RANI: If femboys steal snacks… they steal hearts later. Can’t trust. Must be feared.

  EMILY: That’s actually kind of cute of you.

  RANI: …Shut up. I hate you. Not cute. You terrifying creature.

  SAM: …Terrifying… right. Okay.

  RANI: …Now… keep walking. Don’t touch my snacks.

  (RANI smiles. Then stops. Stares at nothing.)

  SAM: You okay?

  RANI: ...Yeah. Just. Thought I heard something.

  EMILY: Heard what?

  RANI: Don't know. Like... static. Like someone calling my name far away.

  (Beat. She shakes it off.)

  RANI: Probably nothing. I not very brain. Ears probably broken too.

  (They continue. Next room. Boxes everywhere.)

  SAM: Oh great. Moving boxes puzzle.

  RANI: Ugh. Another puzzle. Who even made this crap.

  SAM: Dude. You said you made these.

  RANI: ...Oops. Right, I forgot.

  EMILY: You forgot you made the puzzles?

  RANI: In my defense. I not very brain.

  SAM: We can see.

  RANI: Are you make me fun?

  EMILY: She said “Are you making fun of me?”

  SAM: She needs to buy a new Grammer book.

  RANI: You making me fun again.

  RANI: Brains not my thing. Snacks my thing. Violence my thing. Puzzles... not my thing.

  RANI: English, very brain. So my English bad.

  EMILY: Her English is getting worse second by second.

  RANI: One more word and I will kidnap you guys too. Like tutorial guy.

  SAM: Okay sorry sorry. No more Rani bullying.

  RANI: Okay. I forgive. But only this time, okay?

  SAM: Thank God.

  EMILY: Well, I have a lot of experience in getting kidnapped.

  SAM: Oh yeah, We got kidnapped by the witch. Or I think so? Do you know anything about the witch, Rani?

  RANI: Who witch. Where witch. Don't know.

  SAM: Hmm… Oh right, the puzzle.

  EMILY: You do it, Sam.

  SAM: Easy peasy.

  (SAM does it.)

  SAM: Chat. Chat, clip that. Holy big brain. I'm a genius.

  EMILY: Hey. You're not streaming right now.

  RANI: Wow. Very dedicated. Very stupid.

  EMILY: …Hey, Rani. Why are you… so evil?

  RANI: …Evil? Me? Pfft. I’m trained.

  SAM: Trained? By who, an evil school?

  RANI: No. By grandma. She evil. I copy. Simple.

  EMILY: …You mean… you’re evil because your grandma is?

  RANI: Yep. Totally. She rules with… rules and scary stuff. I rule with… snacks and terror. Same thing.

  SAM: Snacks and terror… nice combo.

  RANI: Shut up. You try it. Make everyone scared with only snacks.

  SAM: …I’d starve in a day.

  RANI: Exactly. That’s why you not evil. Too soft.

  EMILY: …That’s a dumb reason.

  RANI: Dumb? No. Genius. Copy grandma. Be feared. Very cool. Also… maybe I like chaos. Little.

  SAM: Little? You mean… “a lot”?

  RANI: …Shut up, idiot. Don’t push your luck.

  SAM: …I’m just saying. You look adorable while saying chaos. Cute.

  RANI: …Shut up, I hate you.

  (A lift appears.)

  EMILY: It's a lift.

  SAM: Where does it take us?

  RANI: Outside.

  RANI: Outside of this Prison thingy.

  SAM: Make sense.

  (A lift door opens.)

  RANI: Get in.

  SAM: Why is the button labeled “EVIL EXIT”.

  RANI: Aesthetic.

  (The lift moves.)

  (Awkward silence.)

  RANI: So. You two dating long time?

  SAM: Long enough.

  RANI: Gross. Especially you.

  (Points at Emily.)

  EMILY: What did I do?!

  RANI: Femboy. Natural enemy.

  SAM: There’s a war?

  RANI: Yes. Femboys vs Tomboys.

  RANI: Been happening since five-ever.

  EMILY: I didn’t sign up for that.

  RANI: Too late.

  RANI: Hmm. Femboy and sad boy. Unusual pair.

  SAM: I'm not sad.

  RANI: You keep saying that. Getting sadder every time.

  EMILY: She has a point.

  SAM: Traitor.

  RANI: I like her. She funny. For a garbage femboy.

  EMILY: ...Thanks?

  RANI: Welcome. Don't expect more compliments. Limited supply.

  RANI: Anyway. You like puzzles?

  SAM: No.

  EMILY: Maybe.

  SAM: Don't say

  maybe!

  RANI: I made some.

  SAM: Of course you did.

  RANI: They easy. I am not very brain.

  EMILY: You mean smart?

  RANI: Same thing.

  (The lift stops.)

  (The outside opens up.)

  EMILY: You know. RANI is like our new companion now.

  RANI: YES. We friends now.

  SAM: We are not friends.

  RANI: Wrong. Friendship started already.

  EMILY: Sam. I think she’s sticking with us.

  SAM: Don't know if it's a good thing or not.

  RANI: It best thing. I'm great friend. Loyal. Strong. Snack-sharing-girl.

  EMILY: Snack-sharing-girl?

  RANI: Means I consider sharing. No promises.

  RANI: But if you good in puzzles... maybe I share. Maybe.

  SAM: High praise.

  RANI: Yes. I'm generous villain.

  (Pause.)

  RANI: I meant that.

  SAM: Sure.

  RANI: Shut up.

  EMILY: I love her already.

  SAM: Don't say that loud. She'll hear.

  RANI: I heard that! Femboy love is crime!

  EMILY: I said love as a FRIEND!

  RANI: ...Acceptable. Proceed.