The village

  SAM: Finally. Fresh air. Sort of.

  EMILY: It smells like... pine trees? And something else.

  RANI: Snacks. Definitely snacks somewhere.

  SAM: You smell snacks from here?

  RANI: I have gift. Snack nose.

  (They walk. In the distance, a small village sits in a valley.)

  EMILY: Look! A village!

  SAM: People. Real people.

  RANI: Or NPCs. They bot.

  EMILY: How do you know?

  RANI: Been here before. Before got arrested. Good village.

  SAM: Wait, you've been here?

  RANI: Yeah. They have ...shop.

  EMILY: A SHOP?!

  RANI: Yeah. But shopkeeper weird. Sells things but also cries.

  SAM: That's... specific.

  RANI: Village full weirdos. You'll see.

  (They approach the village entrance. A wooden gate. And standing in front of it— DOOR GUY.)

  DOOR GUY: HALT! Who goes there?!

  SAM: ...We're people. Trying to enter.

  DOOR GUY: ENTRY DENIED!

  EMILY: Why?!

  DOOR GUY: Because I'm the DOOR GUY! I guard doors! It's my whole thing!

  RANI: Move. Now.

  DOOR GUY: Or... or what?!

  RANI: Or I show you why they call me villain.

  (She gives a scary face.)

  DOOR GUY: Wait wait wait—

  RANI: You know what happened last person who made me angry?

  DOOR GUY: What?

  RANI: They… Actually I just yelled at them. But I yelled LOUD.

  DOOR GUY: That's not scary—

  RANI: I ATE THEIR SNACKS!

  DOOR GUY: Their... SNACKS?!

  RANI: ALL OF THEM. CHOCOLATE. CHIPS. COOKIES. GONE.

  DOOR GUY: Please... please just go through...

  (RANI walks past.)

  SAM: ...That worked?

  RANI: Snacks are serious business. Everyone knows this.

  (They enter the village.)

  (The village is small. A few houses. Empty streets. One weird fountain.)

  EMILY: It's... quiet.

  SAM: Too quiet.

  RANI: This normal. Villagers hide when strangers come.

  EMILY: Why?

  RANI: Last time Stranger came, they asked too many questions. Villagers still recovering.

  EMILY: By stranger, you mean

  yourself?

  RANI: Ye..

  SAM: What kind of questions?

  RANI: "Where are snacks" "What time lunch." "Why you crying." Normal questions. Very traumatic.

  EMILY: ...That's not traumatic.

  RANI: You weren't there. One guy cried for THREE DAYS.

  (SAM looks around. The village seems empty.)

  SAM: Okay. We're not here for sightseeing. We need to save tutorial guy. Where is he?

  RANI: Other side of village. Past the houses. There's exit there.

  EMILY: Then let's go!

  (They walk through the village. Past houses. Past the fountain. Then—)

  (DOOR GUY is standing at the other end. Blocking another gate. But now—)

  (He has TWO BIGGER PEOPLE behind him. One looks angry. One looks bored.)

  DOOR GUY: HA! You thought you could just walk through?! I GOT BACKUP NOW!

  SAM: You got bodyguards?

  DOOR GUY: These are my cousins! Door Guy 2 and Door Guy 3!

  SAM: You guys have funny names.

  DOOR GUY 2: I like doors.

  DOOR GUY 3: I'm just here for snacks.

  RANI: Snacks?!

  DOOR GUY 3: Yeah. Door Guy promised snacks.

  RANI: (to DOOR GUY) You... you would use snacks as BAIT?! Villain behavior.

  DOOR GUY: Villain behavior? I LEARNED FROM YOU!

  RANI: ...He learned. From me. I created monster.

  SAM: Can we focus? Rani, can you threaten them again?

  RANI: ...No. They big. I small. Small not scary.

  EMILY: So what do we do?

  (Silence. Then EMILY gets an idea.)

  EMILY: ...What if I try?

  SAM: You?

  EMILY: Femboy flirt negotiation skills.

  SAM: That's not a real thing.

  EMILY: It is NOW.

  (She steps forward. Puts on a smile.)

  DOOR GUY: What... what you doing?

  EMILY: (sweet voice) Hey there. Door Guy, right?

  DOOR GUY: (blushes) Y-yes...

  EMILY: You're doing such a good job guarding this door. Very impressive.

  DOOR GUY: I-it is?

  EMILY: Those muscles. You must work out.

  DOOR GUY: I... I guard doors daily. Very heavy doors.

  EMILY: I can tell. So... about letting us through...

  DOOR GUY: Well... I mean... rules are rules but... for you...

  DOOR GUY 2: DON'T FALL FOR IT!

  DOOR GUY 3: (bored) I'm still waiting for snacks.

  DOOR GUY: Right! Right! No! I can't be fooled by femboy tricks!

  EMILY: It was worth a try.

  DOOR GUY: If you want to pass... you need to bring me a LEGENDARY ITEM!

  SAM: A what?

  DOOR GUY: Legendary item! Super rare! Only one person in village has them! THE OLD LADY.

  EMILY: Old Lady?

  RANI: I know her. She gives free stuff. But she weird.

  SAM: Free legendary items? What's the catch?

  RANI: Catch is... she makes you do things.

  EMILY: What kind of things?

  RANI: Favor. Weird tasks. She lonely, I think.

  SAM: So we need to find this Old Lady, do her job, get legendary item, give to Door Guy, save tutorial guy.

  Unauthorized reproduction: this story has been taken without approval. Report sightings.

  EMILY: That's a lot of steps.

  RANI: Welcome to village. Nothing simple here.

  (They turn around. Walk back into village.)

  SAM: Where does this Old Lady live?

  RANI: Don't know, let's go and ask people.

  (They walk. Then—)

  (A small shop. Sign above: "CRY GUY'S SHOP." Inside, completely dark.)

  EMILY: What's that?

  RANI: Cry Guy shop. He sell things.

  SAM: Cry Guy? You mentioned him before, right?

  RANI: Yeah. He have no customers. Ever.

  EMILY: Why?

  RANI: You'll see.

  (They approach. Through the window, they see CRY GUY sitting in darkness. Sobbing.)

  CRY GUY: (crying) NO CUSTOMERS... NO LIGHTS... NO HOPE...

  SAM: Why is it dark?

  RANI: Electricity out. Happens every time. He never fix it.

  EMILY: That's sad.

  RANI: He could fix it. But he just cry instead.

  (They enter the shop.)

  CRY GUY: WHO?! WHO IS THERE?!

  EMILY: Customers!

  CRY GUY: C-CUSTOMERS?! (Cries)

  CRY GUY: WELCOME! WELCOME TO MY SHOP! I'M SO HAPPY! FIRST CUSTOMERS IN WEEKS!

  SAM: Weeks?!

  RANI: This is why he no customers.

  EMILY: I'm starting to understand.

  (They step inside. It's dark. Can barely see anything.)

  CRY GUY: PLEASE! LOOK AROUND! BUY SOMETHING! ANYTHING! (Cries.) I HAVE BILLS TO PAY!

  SAM: It's too dark to see anything.

  CRY GUY: OH NO! THE ELECTRICITY! LIGHT’S OUT FOR THREE DAYS!

  EMILY: Why didn't you fix them?

  CRY GUY: I TRIED! BUT THE LIGHT PUZZLE! IT'S BROKEN! AND I'M TOO DUMB TO FIX IT!

  RANI: So you just... sat here? In dark? For three days?

  CRY GUY: I CRY FOR THREE DAYS! VERY PRODUCTIVE!

  (Beat.)

  RANI: ...Respect the dedication.

  ---

  (light puzzle - rotating mirrors)

  (SAM sighs. Walks to the puzzle. Starts working.)

  SAM: Fine. I'll fix it.

  CRY GUY: YOU WILL?! YOU'LL SAVE ME?!

  SAM: Someone has to.

  RANI: Look at him. Acting like hero.

  (SAM is focused. Moving mirrors. RANI "helps" by pointing randomly.)

  RANI: No not that way. Other way. No wait that way. Actually maybe—

  SAM: Rani. Please.

  RANI: I'm helping!

  EMILY: You're really not.

  RANI: I'm MORAL support!

  (Sam fixes it.)

  CRY GUY: (screaming) LIGHT! BEAUTIFUL LIGHT! I CAN SEE AGAIN!

  (He cries happily.)

  CRY GUY: I OWE YOU MY LIFE! MY BUSINESS! MY EVERYTHING!

  SAM: It was just a puzzle—

  CRY GUY: PLEASE! TAKE SOMETHING FROM MY SHOP! ANYTHING! FREE!

  EMILY: Free?

  CRY GUY: YES! I INSIST! FIRST CUSTOMERS IN MONTHS! AND YOU FIXED MY LIGHTS! I MUST REPAY YOU!

  (He gestures wildly at his merchandise. It's... weird.)

  (SHELVES: Crying towels. Pre-moistened napkins. One single sad apple.)

  RANI: ...Is that—

  CRY GUY: That's my prized possession! The SAD APPLE! Found it weeks ago! It spoke to me!

  SAM: The apple spoke to you?

  CRY GUY: It said... "I am sad." And I said... "Me too, apple. Me too." (cries)

  RANI: ...I respect that apple. Left it alone before.

  EMILY: You've seen that apple before?

  SAM: The apple, huh?

  RANI: Long story.

  CRY GUY: TAKE IT! TAKE THE SAD APPLE!

  RANI: No no no. I not taking apple. Apple been through war. It deserve peace.

  CRY GUY: But... but it's FREE!

  RANI: I said NO!

  (She hides behind EMILY. Genuinely scared of the apple.)

  …

  EMILY: Maybe... something else? We're actually looking for someone.

  CRY GUY: Someone?! WHO?!

  EMILY: The Old Lady. The one who gives legendary items.

  CRY GUY: OLD LADY?! Its her.

  SAM: You know her?

  CRY GUY: EVERYONE knows her! She lives in corner of village! By big tree!

  RANI: Path there blocked.

  CRY GUY: Yes! Blocked! But ...there is a secret alley. Between houses. Takes you right to her.

  EMILY: Secret alley?

  CRY GUY: I know because I go there sometimes. To cry where no one sees me.

  (Beat.)

  RANI: ...Respect. Aura.

  EMILY: A lot of secret crying in this village.

  CRY GUY: Villagers are full criers. We support each other. From distance. While crying.

  SAM: Okay. Thanks for the help.

  (They walk away.)

  (RANI lingers at the door. Looks back at something.)

  EMILY: Rani? You coming?

  RANI: (distant) Yeah. Just...

  (She touches her chest. Frowns.)

  RANI: Weird feeling. Like someone squeeze my heart. Not painful. Just... cold.

  SAM: You sick?

  RANI: Villains don't sick. We get *dramatic*. Big difference.

  (They continue toward the alley.)

  SAM: This looks like a gap, not an alley.

  EMILY: It's something.

  RANI: I go first. Protect from danger.

  SAM: You just want to be first.

  RANI: That too.

  (The alley opens into a small path behind houses. Quiet. Peaceful.)

  EMILY: This is nice, actually.

  RANI: Shh. I sense something.

  SAM: What?

  RANI: Perfume. Too much perfume. And... flowers.

  (From around the corner—)

  (FLOWER DUDE appears. Holding a bouquet. Grinning.)

  FLOWER DUDE: Hello, beautiful travelers!

  SAM: Oh no.

  RANI: Oh NO.

  EMILY: Who is THAT?

  RANI: Flower Dude. Village pervert. Very dumb. Very creepy.

  FLOWER DUDE: You...

  EMILY: Me?

  FLOWER DUDE: You are... so... CUTE!

  SAM: Hey! Back off!

  FLOWER DUDE: I've never seen such beauty! Such grace! Such—

  RANI: Stop.

  FLOWER DUDE: But I'm just appreciating—

  RANI: You appreciating too loud. Go away.

  FLOWER DUDE: Why should I listen to you? You're tiny!

  RANI: I'm tiny but I'm EVIL.

  FLOWER DUDE: Evil? You?

  RANI: Yeah. Evil. Tomboy. Natural predator.

  FLOWER DUDE: ...Natural predator?

  RANI: Natural predator of perverts and femboys. Both.

  FLOWER DUDE: ...Understandable.

  (He turns. Walks away. Then looks back at EMILY.)

  FLOWER DUDE: If you ever want flowers... or compliments... or a husband—

  RANI: GO.

  FLOWER DUDE: OKAY OKAY!

  (He disappears around the corner.)

  EMILY: Thank you, Rani.

  RANI: Part of villain job. Protecting friends from creeps.

  SAM: Friends?

  RANI: Temporary ALLIANCE members! Same thing!

  EMILY: Sure.

  (They reach the corner of village. A big tree. And next to it—a small, crooked house.)

  RANI: That's it. Old Lady house.

  SAM: Looks normal.

  EMILY: For now.

  (They approach. Knock on door.)

  OLD LADY: WHO DISTURBS THE GRANNY?!

  (The door swings open. OLD LADY stands there. Small. Wrinkled. Eyes a little TOO wide.)

  OLD LADY: Oh. Visitors. Been so long since visitors.

  (Emily looks shocked.)

  EMILY: …

  SAM: Are you the old lady?

  OLD LADY: That's what they call me. You want legendary items, yes?

  EMILY: H-how did you know?

  OLD LADY: Everyone want legendary items. But not everyone WORTHY.

  RANI: What make someone worthy?

  OLD LADY: Chores.

  OLD LADY: I have three chores. One for each of you. Do them, get item.

  SAM: What are the chores?

  OLD LADY: (pointing at SAM) You. Strong one. Fix my fence. Broken in back.

  (Pointing at EMILY) You. Pretty one. Water my plants. They thirsty.

  (Pointing at RANI) You. Small angry one. Organize my bookshelf. Alphabetical.

  RANI: Alphabetical?!

  OLD LADY: Yes. A to Z. Very important.

  RANI: But I can't read good!

  OLD LADY: Then learn. Good for you.

  (She shuffles away. Leaves them standing.)

  SAM: Okay. Let's split up. Get this done fast.

  EMILY: Meet back here?

  SAM: Yeah.

  RANI: But alphabetical! That's HARD!

  SAM: You'll figure it out.

  RANI: I NOT VERY BRAIN!

  EMILY: We believe in you.

  (They go their separate ways.)

  (SAM'S CHORE - Fixing Fence)

  (Behind the house. A broken fence. Wooden planks everywhere.)

  SAM: Okay. Fence. Easy.

  (He starts working. Suddenly RANI appears.)

  SAM: Rani? I thought you were organizing books.

  RANI: Gave up. Too many letters. Came to help you.

  SAM: You gave up immediately?

  RANI: I tried for five seconds. That counts as effort.

  (She sits on a rock. Watches him work.)

  SAM: You're not helping.

  RANI: I'm supervising. Like always.

  (Beat.)

  RANI: Sam. Question.

  SAM: Yeah?

  RANI: You really love Emily?

  SAM: Yeah. I do.

  RANI: Even though she femboy now?

  SAM: She's still Emily. That's what matters.

  RANI: Hmm.

  SAM: Why?

  RANI: Just... never seen that before. Someone love like that.

  SAM: What about your family?

  RANI: I have grandma. She nice. But strict. Very strict.

  SAM: Strict how?

  RANI: Always rules. Always "Rani do this" "Rani do that." Never just... let me be.

  SAM: That sounds hard.

  RANI: She mean well. Just... don't understand me.

  (Beat.)

  RANI: She like femboys too. Thinks they "charming."

  SAM: Your grandma likes femboys?

  RANI: Yeah. We fight about it. She say "they pretty." I say "they enemy." Very heated debates.

  SAM: That's ridiculous.

  RANI: Is NOT! This is WAR!

  RANI: ...I not very good at war either.

  SAM: You're good at being a friend.

  RANI: (blushing) Shut up. Finish fence.

  (EMILY'S CHORE - Watering Plants)

  (A small garden. Dozens of plants. All look thirsty.)

  EMILY: Okay. Watering plants. Simple.

  (She grabs a watering can. Starts working.)

  (RANI appears again.)

  RANI: Hey!

  EMILY: You done with your chores?

  RANI: No, chores very brain. Too hard.

  (Beat.)

  EMILY: …okay?

  (She throws a small pebble at a plant. Hits it.)

  RANI: Plant okay?

  EMILY: You hit it with a rock.

  RANI: I was... helping. Aggressive watering.

  EMILY: That's not a thing.

  RANI: Is now.

  SAM: Hey I finished my chores. You haven't finished yet? Emily.

  EMILY: I was disturbed by a small Tomboy here.

  SAM: I see. I see. Give me that water. I'll do it.

  EMILY: Thank you Sam.

  RANI: He helpful.

  EMILY: Benefits of getting a boyfriend.

  (Sam does it.)

  SAM: Done. Let's go.

  EMILY: I think I'll watch these beautiful flowers for now.

  RANI: Flower staring. Ew. What a weirdo.

  (RANI'S CHORE - Organizing Books)

  (RANI returns to the bookshelf. Stares at it.)

  RANI: So many books. So many letters.

  SAM: Need help?

  RANI: NO. I do myself.

  (SAM takes the book.)

  RANI: Hey! I said I do myself!

  SAM: You were struggling.

  RANI: I was... LEARNING. Different thing.

  (Sam does it on his own.)

  ---

  (They finish. All chores done. Meet back inside.)

  OLD LADY: (inspecting) Fence fixed. Plants watered. Books organized.

  (She turns to them. Nods.)

  OLD LADY: Acceptable. You have earned... THE LEGENDARY ITEM!

  (She reaches into a chest. Pulls out a small bottle. Cloudy liquid inside.)

  OLD LADY: Behold! FEMBOY'S BATHWATER!

  SAM: ...What.

  EMILY: EXCUSE ME?!

  RANI: BATHWATER?! HAHAHAHA!

  OLD LADY: Very rare! Very powerful! Collected from legendary femboy after long journey!

  SAM: That's disgusting.

  EMILY: I'm not touching that.

  RANI: I'LL TAKE IT!

  EMILY: RANI NO!

  RANI: RANI YES! This is PERFECT!

  SAM: Perfect for what?

  RANI: For embarrassing Emily forever!

  EMILY: GIVE IT BACK!

  RANI: Never! This is treasure! I will keep forever!

  OLD LADY: She understands value.

  EMILY: It's BATHWATER!

  RANI: Legendary BATHWATER! Big difference!

  RANI: Door Guy want legendary item? He get this. Best item ever.

  EMILY: He's going to know what it is.

  RANI: Exactly! BEST PART!

  SAM: I can't. This is too good.

  EMILY: You're BOTH my enemies now.

  RANI: Welcome to villain side, Sam. We have bathwater.

  EMILY: ughh! I will deal with you guys later.

  EMILY: Let me have some word with the old pervert lady.

  RANI: I guess I go rest somewhere for the time. Me tired.

  (Rani runs off)

  Sam: I guess I will explore the village for the time.

  (Sam runs off too.)

  (EMILY watches SAM and RANI disappear in different directions. She stands alone for a moment.)

  EMILY: ...Okay.

  (She turns. Walks back toward the old lady's house.)

  ---

  (Inside the Old Lady's House)

  OLD LADY: Oh! You're back! Miss me already?

  EMILY: We need to talk.

  OLD LADY: We ARE talking. This is talking. Hi. Hello. How are you. Great talk.

  EMILY: This isn't what you said would happen.

  (Pause.)

  OLD LADY: ...Come again?

  EMILY: This. All of this. The village. The chores. This isn't how you said it would go.

  OLD LADY: I... honey, I told you to water my plants. That's literally the only conversation we've had.

  EMILY: Don't play dumb.

  OLD LADY: I'm not playing! I'm genuinely confused! This is my natural state of confusion! I've been confused since 1997!

  EMILY: Stop joking.

  OLD LADY: I'm ALWAYS joking. It's my brand. Ask anyone in the village. They'll say "that old lady? hilarious. also terrifying. but mostly hilarious."

  EMILY: The witch. You're the witch.

  OLD LADY: ...HA!

  (She laughs. Hard.)

  OLD LADY: Oh that's GOOD. That's the best thing I've heard all week. Me? A witch?

  OLD LADY: Honey, I can't even use a TV remote. It has SO MANY BUTTONS.

  EMILY: Then why do you have legendary items?

  OLD LADY: Because I'm old and I collect weird stuff? That's called a hobby, child. It's normal.

  EMILY: None of this is normal!

  OLD LADY: Child. Let me tell you something about normal.

  (Beat.)

  OLD LADY: Normal is boring. Normal is for people who don't own seventeen plants. I left normal behind in 1985 and I NEVER looked back.

  EMILY: But the voice—

  OLD LADY: What voice?

  EMILY: The witch's voice. That night. In the forest. It sounded... I don't know. I thought it was you.

  OLD LADY: You heard a voice in the forest?

  EMILY: Yes. And she said... things would be simple. That this would all be simple.

  OLD LADY: Simple? Whoever said that is a LIAR. Nothing is simple.

  OLD LADY: Not even instant noodles. Have you READ those instructions? "Add water." THAT'S IT? What kind of water? How much water? WHY ISN'T ANYONE EXPLAINING?

  EMILY: ...You're doing it again.

  OLD LADY: Doing what?

  EMILY: Making jokes when I'm trying to be serious.

  OLD LADY: Okay. Fine. Serious time.

  OLD LADY: I don't know anything about a witch. I don't know anything about voices in forests.

  OLD LADY: I'm just an old lady who lives alone and gives weird items to strangers because it's funny.

  EMILY: It's not that funny.

  OLD LADY: You're just humorless.

  (Beat.)

  OLD LADY: But if someone told you this would be simple... they were wrong. And if they're the one who did... THAT to you—

  OLD LADY: Then they owe you an explanation. Not me.

  EMILY: ...Yeah.

  OLD LADY: Now. Do you want a legendary item? I have more. I have SO many.

  OLD LADY: Want a spoon that's slightly too big? I call it THE BIG SPOON. Very powerful.

  EMILY: ...Maybe later.

  OLD LADY: Your loss. The Big Spoon waits for no one.

  EMILY: Okay. Okay. My loss.

  (EMILY smiles. Leaves.)

  ---

  (She goes outside)

  EMILY: If she's not the witch... then who was that in the forest?

  (She stands there. Confused.)

  EMILY: The voice sounded older. But not... not like her. Not really.

  (Beat.)

  EMILY: ...Whatever. Maybe I imagined it. Maybe the femboy thing comes with... Delusions.

  (She starts walking.)

  EMILY: Sam! Rani! Where are you weirdos?!

  (After exploring the village. Sam finds Rani sitting on the bench near the fountain.)

  SAM: Hey. Sup.

  RANI: Hey. Just... sitting. Come sit if you want to.

  SAM: Sure.

  (SAM sits.)

  (silence.)

  SAM: You're quiet.

  RANI: Thinking.

  SAM: About what?

  RANI: ...My grandma used to say "When the game wants you gone, you'll hear it before you see it."

  (Long pause.)

  SAM: No idea what that means.

  RANI: Yeah, she's weird. Old people are weird.

  …

  RANI: Sam.

  SAM: Yeah?

  RANI: What you think tomboy means?

  SAM: Uh... tomboy? Like... girl who's not super girly? I guess?

  RANI: Hmm.

  SAM: Why?

  RANI: Everyone say tomboy like it's simple. Like easy word. But not simple.

  SAM: What do you mean?

  RANI: Tomboy mean I like snacks. I like fight. I not wear dresses. I not do makeup.

  SAM: Okay?

  RANI: But also mean... people look at me weird. Like I wrong. Like I should be different.

  (Beat.)

  RANI: My grandma want me to be pretty. Like femboys. She say "Rani, why you not wear skirt?" "Rani, why you so angry?" "Rani, why you not more soft?"

  SAM: That sounds rough.

  RANI: I try. For her. Wear dress once. Felt like... wearing costume. Not me.

  SAM: What happened?

  RANI: I tripped. Fell in mud. Dress ruined. Never again.

  (SAM laughs. RANI glares.)

  RANI: Not funny!

  SAM: It's a little funny.

  RANI: (small smile) ...Maybe little funny.

  (Silence)

  SAM: For what it's worth... I think tomboys are cool.

  RANI: Really?

  SAM: Yeah. You're strong. You're honest. You're great!

  RANI: (blushing) Shut up.

  SAM: I'm serious.

  RANI: Femboy say that. Not count.

  SAM: I'm not a femboy.

  RANI: You date femboy. Same energy.

  SAM: That's not how it works.

  RANI: Is how I work. My rules.

  (Beat.)

  RANI: Sam. Question.

  SAM: Go for it.

  RANI: You think... people like me? The real me? Not pretend me?

  SAM: Emily likes you. I like you. Cry Guy likes you. Even Flower Dude was scared of you, which is basically respect.

  RANI: ...That true?

  SAM: Yeah. We don't care that you're a tomboy. We care that you're Rani.

  (Pause.)

  RANI: ...Nobody ever said that before.

  SAM: Well, they should have.

  RANI: Maybe tomboy not so bad. If friends like this.

  SAM: Tomboy's great. Tomboys save people from perverts. Tomboy likes her snacks. Tomboy do big puzzles.

  (RANI giggles. Real giggle. Then catches herself.)

  RANI: Stop making me laugh. I'm villain. Evil.

  SAM: Villains can laugh.

  RANI: No. Villains laugh evil. Like "Mwahaha." Not giggle like dumb baby.

  SAM: You definitely giggled like a dumb baby.

  RANI: SHUT UP!

  SAM: Worth it.

  RANI: … Sam.

  SAM: Yeah?

  RANI: ...Thanks.

  SAM: For what?

  RANI: For not treating me weird. For not caring I'm tomboy… For being friend.

  SAM: Anytime, Rani.

  …

  RANI: Hey Sam?

  SAM: Yeah?

  RANI: Tomboy better than femboy. Just fact.

  SAM: I'll be sure to tell Emily.

  RANI: (panicking) NO! Don't! She get mad! She cute when mad but also scary! Don't!

  SAM: Too late. Definitely telling her.

  RANI: I take back everything. You worst friend.

  SAM: You said I was best friend five seconds ago.

  RANI: Five seconds ago different person. That person dumb.

  (Emily walks in)

  EMILY: Hey I'm back— You guys are getting closer. I see.

  SAM: She's funny.

  RANI: aa-anyways let's get out of this village.

  EMILY: That old lady was scary. One more second and I could die.

  SAM: Dead femboy as a legendary item would be nice.

  EMILY: Too far man. I was just joking.

  SAM: Oops.

  EMILY: So many crazy people I met today… Anyways, let's get out of here.

  SAM: Yeah, let's get out.

  (They return to the exit gate. DOOR GUY waits with his bodyguards.)

  DOOR GUY: You're back! You have the legendary item?!

  RANI: Right here.

  DOOR GUY: What is it?!

  RANI: Femboy's Bathwater.

  DOOR GUY 2: WHAT?!

  DOOR GUY 3: ...Bathwater?

  DOOR GUY: That's... that's disgusting!

  RANI: It's LEGENDARY disgusting. Big difference.

  DOOR GUY: I don't want that!

  EMILY: Give it to me.

  RANI: But—

  EMILY: RANI. Give it.

  (RANI hands it over. EMILY holds the bottle. Looks at DOOR GUY.)

  EMILY: You don't want this?

  DOOR GUY: NO! It's gross!

  EMILY: Good.

  (She opens the bottle. THROWS it at him.)

  DOOR GUY: AAAHHH!

  (The bottle splashes. Water everywhere. DOOR GUY is drenched.)

  DOOR GUY: I'M COVERED IN FEMBOY BATHWATER!

  DOOR GUY 2: (disgusted) I'm not related to you anymore.

  DOOR GUY 3: ...Can I try some?

  EMILY: NO!

  DOOR GUY 3: It's just water…

  SAM: She said no.

  (EMILY grabs DOOR GUY by the collar. Pulls him close.)

  EMILY: Listen. You're going to let us through. Or I will personally make sure you get a BATH in this stuff. Understand?

  DOOR GUY: YES MA'AM!

  (He opens the gate.)

  DOOR GUY: GO! JUST GO!

  (SAM, EMILY, and RANI walk through. Behind them, DOOR GUY is crying.)

  RANI: I feel bad for him.

  (They walk away.)

  SAM: That was the most insane thing I've ever seen

  EMILY: He deserved it.

  RANI: ...You scary. Respect.

  EMILY: Thank you.

  RANI: No, I mean ACTUALLY scary. Like villain scary.

  EMILY: I learned from the best.

  RANI: Shut up.

  —