The filming of Hannah's chaos actually went very smoothly. Jonas, Joyce, Sam and I knew what we had in each other. And where our talents and pitfalls lay. Lucas knew that too. So it was a pleasure to work.

  Only the children were new to us, so it was a search for their talent and pitfalls. Even with Alexander. Yes, I knew my nephew almost through and through, but not as an actor.

  Between his takes he often sat with Lucas. Which sometimes led to naughty situations. He had a habit of bellowing 'cut' very loudly when it was actually going really well.

  There was just as much hope at home. The doctor's schedule arrived. With a dose of ovulation tests and pregnancy tests. So it would become what Lucas had been afraid of. He didn't show it for a second though.

  He picked up the schedule. "Ok then," he began. He sounded authoritative. "With these ovulation tests you can go ahead for about a year. Maybe longer. Discover the pattern when you are most fertile."

  He looked at me with a twinkle in his eyes. "Often you can already feel this because your lust for..." He cleared his throat. "Well, I'd call it your desire for me." He said lightly blushing. "Increases. It's also recommended to often in that week..." He looked at me even more blushing. "You get it, I think." I laughed softly. "Only then?" I asked teasingly. "Then we have the best chance," he said.

  "What if I always want you," I said as sultrily as I could. He turned fire red from this. Up to his ears. He looked back at his sheet of paper. "I have a whole schedule here," he said. "Starting with menstruation. Day 1 to 5. Bloody discharge." He looked at me. "yummy." I laughed for a moment. "Ok. Then no caffeine. And either nothing or protection on my side." I nodded. "I guess the latter," I teased. "I think so too yeah," he said grinning.

  "Good, day 6 to 9. Some nagging about your body temperature. And then we can celebrate each other only every other day." He looked further. "Ah, here it gets more interesting. Day 10 to 12. Again some nagging about discharge and temperature. But here the advice is every day." He looked at me. "shame only for 2 days. But my dear, look here," he said, his eyes now gleaming mischievously. "Day 13 to 15. Then hey my darling. That doctor recommends that we make 'time for each other' twice a day. Too bad huh, only two days." I laughed softly. "After that it becomes less fun. Then I can only enjoy you every other day for almost a week," he said pulling his mouth corners down. "Because then your body needs rest," he read.

  "Aww my poor baby," I teased. "Then test day 23 and 28. And if it's negative: reset." He sighed softly. "I want to do this for you. Because you need this," he said. "But?" I asked. "It's so clinical. It has nothing to do with how much we love each other." I nodded. "This was your fear right." He nodded softly. "A bit. But my darling. If you need this. Then we will just stick to it."

  I nodded. "Good then. Then we have until your menstruation to just be in love a bit longer." I heard the slight fear in his voice that this would change us.

  Months passed after this. I had looked it up online. With this method it should go quickly. Unless according to the online doctors site there was a problem. On set I didn't show anything and at home I tried not to either. But as the tests ran out my hope flew away again.

  What was wrong with me? Why despite everything we did it just not work. The filming was done after half a year. Now it was up to Lucas' editor to make something beautiful of it. Lucas continued writing in the meantime. To Hannah's chaos. But also to the film about Aruba. I went back to teaching.

  But at home I felt cracks. When we made love it was with less passion and love. We also argued occasionally. I knew it was normal. But it felt to me as if the foundation of our marriage was starting to crumble.

  He no longer told me every day that he loved me. His eyes were duller when he looked at me. I tried to ignore it. But that was difficult.

  The series was wonderfully received. Something we also celebrated exuberantly with the whole cast and crew. I hid in a corner. We had had a big argument that morning again. I didn't even know what it was about anymore. But Lucas had gone to his brother. To take a breather.

  I looked at Lucas. He was beaming. He was the center of attention. The arriving press asked questions. Friends and colleagues congratulated him. I crawled further into my dark corner. Not feeling worthy of this joy.

  Lucas walked over to me. "Why are you hiding yourself?" he asked. His gaze soft and warm. I shrugged. "Come," he said and took my hand. I shook my head. "This is your party." He tried to pull me along. "Yours too, Phi. Come." I sighed and shook my head again. "Go on now."

  He looked deep into my eyes for a moment longer. For a moment I longed for his arms. His comfort. But I didn't deserve that anymore. He let go of my hand. "I wish I could look in your head," he said. He stroked his hand through my hair. "Then I could see what makes you so unhappy." He looked at me again. "I already have a suspicion though."

  A reporter from the newspaper came our way. He screwed on a smile and turned away from me. I walked outside afterwards. The party was over for me. I took a taxi. The man was friendly. Chatted cheerfully. I answered occasionally.

  At home I was already quickly in bed. Even though I wasn't sleeping. I stared at the ceiling. Counting the shadows and spots. I heard the door close. I dont know how much later. Lucas was home. I heard him lock up and finally go shower.

  Then he crawled next to me. I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep. I couldn't face him for a moment.

  "Are you asleep?" he whispered. I kept my breathing regular even though I felt his hand stroke my head. "Where are you my dearest?" he began. "Your body is still there but your beautiful soul is gone." He sobbed. "Where did I fail, Sophia? Where did it go wrong?" He sighed lightly shaky as if he was crying.

  "I love you. That has never changed. Nor will it ever." Now I heard him sob. "I know you are having a hard time. I see it in your eyes. In how you walk. In how your laugh has faded. I can't take it away anymore, Phi. And that breaks me. I'm breaking because I see you breaking." He sobbed again. "I miss you." He kissed my hair. "Sleep, darling. Maybe you're happy again in your dreams, because I can't make you happy anymore it seems."

  I heard him turn away from me. After a quarter of an hour he slept. I opened my eyes again. I was breaking him. I looked at him for a moment. Maybe, I thought for a moment. "Maybe it would be easier if I weren't here anymore. Then he could look for a new love. One that was complete. One that could give him what he deserved."

  I got out of bed and walked down the hall. I opened the door to the nursery we had prepared. It was beautiful. The walls were like a fairy tale forest. With animals in the forest. A deer. A bunny. Birdies. Even my childhood heroes Alfred J. Kwak. And Link from the Legend of Zelda game series. The ceiling was light blue with a yellow sun and clouds in all kinds of shapes. And the floor was wooden but painted to look like earth.

  The cradle was already ready. It was white and made up. Ready for the baby that would never come in it. The sheet in it now dusty. I turned on the lamp for a moment. A chandelier where the lights were in the shape of a butterfly.

  "Maybe it's really better if I'm not here anymore," I said into the room. "Are you crazy?" I heard Lucas say. I turned around. He stood a few steps behind me. He looked at me with a mix of fear and disbelief. "What are you saying?"

  I looked at him. "That it's better if I'm not here anymore." I walked into the nursery. "Look," I said picking up the sheet and shaking it. "Dust. Only dust. No baby. never a baby" I bit my lip for a moment. "You deserve a child," I said. "Your own baby. And me..." I sobbed. "I can't give you that." He wanted to say something but I held up my hand. "It's better if I leave. Then you can find a real woman."

  He looked at me slightly angry. "Do you think I can live without you?" I nodded. "If you take drastic messures. If you end your life. I'll join you within a day," he said. "Within a day." I closed my eyes. "You are my world. You are my life." He stroked my hair.

  "You are everything." I shook my head. "Then I'd better not be found." I pulled away, put on my shoes and left. "SOPHIA!" I just heard him roar. I ran away. I didn't even know where to. But I had to get away.

  For a moment I thought of the river. Then I'll drown. The current would carry me along. And hide me for weeks. If I were found then, he would already be used to life without me. He would mourn. But would then see how free he was. Free to find that perfect, whole, valuable woman. Who could give him a child.

  Lost in thought I walked on. But instead of at the river I stood in front of a house. In my old village. The house of Joyce's parents. I banged loudly on the door. After a few minutes Magda opened. Joyce's mother. "Jesus, Sophia. My god child, you look a fright," she cried, shocked. "I... I can't do it anymore..." I cried. "I'm done..."

  "Come in." She put her arm around my shoulder. "What's wrong?" She sat me down at the kitchen table. "Talk to me." I shook my head. "Come on, talk to me. You must be here for a reason." Thijmen, Joyce's father, walked sleepily into the kitchen. "Thijm. Good, you call Lucas de Witte. And get the guest room ready for this child."

  She put a big mug of Turkish Apple tea in front of me. "Tell me, child." I sobbed and took a sip. The tea, as always at Magda's, had a calming effect on me. "Yes my boy, she's here. She's staying with us, just calm down," I heard Thijmen say.

  "I can't do it anymore," I said again. "You said that, yes. What can't you do anymore?" she asked"Nothing. I wanted so much to give him a child. But it doesn't work. Not for two years now. I can't do it anymore. Time after time that stupid single line. Each time realising that my belly is empty. I know it now. It will stay empty." Magda put her hand on mine. "It's better if I'm not here anymore," I swallowed. "Just gone. No more pain, no more sorrow. That's better. Especially for my Lucas," I said sobbing.

  "Why would that be better?" Magda asked. "I am a burden. A worthless human being. We argue often. Sometimes we don't talk to each other for a day. And I am infertile. Then I might as well go, right? To the Lord. So that my Lucas can find someone new. To have a family with. He himself said he's breaking." I sobbed heavily. "And that's because of me."

  Magda wrapped her arms around me and rocked me gently back and forth. Humming softly. After a minute she looked at me again. "You are not a burden to him," she said. "Every time we pick Alex up on set I see how he looks at you." she said softly. "Yes, in recent weeks there is some sadness in his posture." She took my hand. "But his life. That is you. He fought you out of that convent because he couldn't forget you. He had flings aplenty. But none of them were you."

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  She took a deep breath. "He fought his way back from that memory loss in Aruba. Because of you. And even when he didn't know who he was. He was in love with you. Yes, your struggle is real and it is heavy and difficult. And surely a lot of sadness and pain." She put her hands on my cheeks. "But a life without you. No, he can't do that. He would rather have you and never a child. Or never a child of your own together. Than marry another, have 20 children and have to mourn your death," she said.

  "But a real woman does have children, right?" I said, sobbing. "In a perfect world, yes. There, dear good women like you have children. And the bad women don't. But the world is not perfect, child. The world is hard and sometimes gruesome. But there are beautiful things too. Cherish those. And let go of the sorrow. Sometimes something so much more beautiful comes when you dare to search."

  I shrugged. "That's hard right now." "I understand that. And you don't believe me now. That's fine, Sophia. But don't give up your life. You can manage without us. Without Joyce, without Lucas. But we. We and especially your Lucas. Cannot manage without you."

  "We have an appointment with the fertility doctor tomorrow," I said. "Then wait for that. After that you can always still punish yourself for something you can't do anything about. Yes or not. Then it is either his fertility problem. Or just keep trying." I nodded. "You are right." She nodded. "Drink your tea and then go to sleep." She looked at me. "Maybe you should stay a few days. A bit of rest. That will do you good."

  She was right. About everything. Death was not a solution. Even though I still wanted to free Lucas. I just no longer knew how.

  The appointment with the doctor was difficult. He checked with some kind of stick how my egg cells were. Lucas had to have his Semen tested. It felt degrading in a way. But if it could ultimately give me a baby after all. Yes, then the humiliation was worth it.

  The doctor told us that they were going to do various tests now. But that we didn't have to worry. Easy for him to say. He surely already had children. Together we walked out of the clinic. I didn't look at Lucas. I didn't want to. I didn't want to see the disappointment in his eyes.

  "I'm staying at Thijmen and Magda's for a bit," I said. "Do what you need to," he said. He sounded resigned, almost defeated. Thijmen was waiting for me. "What did the doctor say?" he asked. He sounded fatherly. Understanding, even. "Wait and see." He nodded. "That's the best, thing to do then," he said. I glanced at Lucas, standing lost with his head in his hands next to his car.

  "He's scared," I said. Thijmen followed my gaze. "Yes, absolutely. But of what?" I shrugged. "No child. Ever. Just like me." I saw him sobbing for breath. Then his desperate eyes met mine for a moment. He pulled a little smile that went nowhere. Then he got into his car and left.

  "I think his fear lies somewhere else," said Thijmen. "Where then?" He put his hand on my arm. "With you. I think he's afraid of losing you." I sighed. "He's better off without me. Maybe I should run away. Ask the pope to let me enter again." Thijmen nodded. "You can certainly do that," he began.

  "I just don't think it will help you. And certainly not him. He wants you. And I think that if it's just you, that he'll also be fine with that. As long as you're with him and happy." I shrugged again. I didn't believe that. I also saw the pain in his eyes.

  I got into the car. Thijmen quickly took me back to their house. Emotionally, I was really done now. I couldn't go on. I flopped on the couch and watched TV. No energy or desire for anything at all.

  I stayed for almost a month with Thijmen and Magda. During the day she took me walking in the forest. We walked there for hours. Just to talk. According to her that was where part of the solution lay. I didn't see how that worked. Every morning when I woke up I felt worse.

  I no longer taught my lessons. I had no energy for it. Teddy understood and gave me paid sick leave. Secretly I was looking for houses on Thijmen's computer. Far away in the city. I wanted to run away. File for divorce. Yes, it would break my heart. But it would give Lucas freedom.

  I went back to the church. I knocked on the rectory door. I didn't feel like surprises this time. Peter opened the door. "Good morning," he said, surprised. "Why are you here?" I walked into the rectory, defeated, and told him everything.

  "So you think you're less worthy because of your childlessness?" I nodded. "That's what the church thinks too, right?" He nodded. "The church maybe. They're a bit old-fashioned. Seven children. Who still has time and energy for that in the dual-income model?" I shrugged. "I'm going to answer as your brother now," he began. "You are not less worthy. Certainly not to that husband of yours." He stroked thoughtfully over his chin. "I'm going to take you somewhere," he said. "To my mother."

  I didn't know what that would do. But I didn't want to disappoint him, so I went along. He stopped at a nearby convent. "Ah Peter. Or is it 'reverend' today?" a young nun asked. Memories of my own time in the habit washed over me. I was unhappy then too. But I was saved by Lucas. And also by Peter. Now it was me who seemed to be drowning my rescuer in sorrow. He couldn't save me anymore.

  "Mother!" I heard Peter call. "Brought a new Novice with you, my boy?" she asked. "No. My half-sister Sophia. I think she needs your wisdom." She led us into her cell. A cosy cell. She had a bed that looked comfortable. It was fairly spacious. There was room for a small bench, a table and a few chairs. She even had a very small kitchenette where she had a kettle and a few mugs. I looked at her closely. She had a warm smile. Her eyes were kind. "Tell me?"

  Peter sat down on the bench. "Sophia fears infertility," Peter explained in a sentence. She nodded. "And a husband who absolutely wants his own child?" I shook my head. "He says he doesn't." She smiled dreamily.

  "I filled my emptiness with the children from the orphanage next door. Many orphans looking for a mother. I always wanted to be that." She looked at me. "For foundlings I make blankets. Look." She took one from under her bed. White knitted with yellow edges and beautiful yellow flowers on it. "You can have this one," she said. Peter smiled.

  "I've made my peace with having no more children. That was the Lord's purpose for me. only one beautiful son. And then nothing more. Your father. Well, he was right to have had enough of me." Peter looked slightly shocked. "Mum, why do you say that?"

  "Oh boy, a man benefits more from a fertile woman. But that's not that bad. There are more ways to express motherly feelings than having a child yourself. Her husband will confirm that," she said. I sighed softly. "Mum, Lucas doesn't care whether she has a child or not," Peter called. His mother laughed again.

  "He says that now. But in the long run every man wants his own flesh and blood. A fruitless woman is never enough in the end." She looked at me again. "But that doesn't matter, does it? We are still looking for lay women to help care for the children here. That way you can be a bit of a mother. You can even live here. Isn't that a wonderful solution?"

  I felt everything flow out of my body. Hope. Self-worth. Everything. Well, everything except the emptiness. Even she agreed. A man benefits more from a fertile woman. I thanked her for the blanket. "We..." Peter began. "We'd better go. I'll take you home." He hugged his mother once more and then we left.

  Lucas.

  She hadn't been home for a month. Every day and every night I feared getting a phone call. Either from the police or from Joyce's parents. That they had found her. Hanging in a forest somewhere. Drowned in a river. Dead from an overdose. Jumped from a flat. I didn't sleep. I couldn't work. That fear kept me a prisoner.

  I saw Peter park his old church car and Sophia get out. I was relieved in a way. She was still alive. And she was finally home. I could see it right away when they walked to the door. Something had happened. Her eyes were red-rimmed and she had a huge forced smile.

  No matter how much I loved her, it was getting harder by the day. I was beginning to doubt whether we should ever have agreed to try to get pregnant. It was everything that now consumed our marriage. Every month again.

  She was enough for me but Sophia didn't see that, that was largely her upbringing. I knew that, but it was hard. The sparkling, exciting, beautiful, sweet Sophia she once was seemed gone.

  Was that my fault? Had I done that by agreeing to want a child? Was I no longer enough for her? Had I changed too?

  We argued more. Yes, each time we could talk it out and I loved her just as much as before. But was I still enough for her heart? Every tear she shed cut through my heart. And lately that was all she had left. Endless tears.

  "Hey!" she said, feigning cheerfulness. "Nice that you're home again." I said, in the same feigned cheerfulness. She nodded. "What happened?" I asked. I could see it in her eyes. "Nothing important," she said. She walked to the bathroom where I heard her sobbing again.

  Again, as always, this broke my heart. Peter walked in with the same forced smile. "What happened. She's not going to tell me." He sighed. "I thought I'd help her by putting her in touch with my mother," he began.

  "Very sweet woman. But infertile since my birth. I thought, she'll help Sophia through her tough time." I sat down. "But?" I asked. "But that faith is so rock-solid. She believes that a woman either has children. Or enters the service of the Lord. Otherwise you have no value. She didn't put it that way. She's much too warm for that. But that's what it came down to." He bit his lower lip.

  "I'm sorry. I made it worse." I put my hand on his shoulder. "Not on purpose. I forgive you. You wanted to help," I said. "It's time I did something."

  Peter got up and left. Still feeling a bit guilty. I walked to the bathroom. "Phi, come out of there," I said. She obeyed. For a moment I didn't dare to push through. She looked like a little bird that had just broken her wings.

  "Phi." I took a deep breath. "It can't go on like this." I saw tears come into her eyes. She shook her head. "You're right," she said. "I hoped it was different but you're right." She walked to the living room. "You tried, Lucas." She looked at me.

  "I get it. It's over between us." Tears rolled down her cheeks. "What are you talking about?" I asked. "Don't say anything. Just go." I walked over to her. "Where to?" She looked at me again. "Your parents, Jonas and Joyce." she sobbed. "Or should I go? You're right. If I were you I would have given up long ago."

  I shook my head. "I don't want to give anything up. Yes, your despair." I walked over to her. "I miss you. I miss us. Our life is now about making a series. Putting on a happy face. And if we are intimate it's to make a child. No longer because we want each other." I put my hand on her cheek.

  "I want you back. The crazy. Naughty. Sparkling you." I kissed her. "I want a break. Not from us but from the endless search for a child. Until we get that result I just want to be us again. In love again like when we started." I took the schedule from the fridge and threw it into the fireplace. It felt like a liberation to see the paper turn to ash "I'm done with this clinical stuff, Sophia," I shouted.

  "I want my wife, my Lover. I just want to be like we used to be." She looked at me. "What if I never..." I put a finger on her lips. "Then that's how it is. And we'll see what we can do." I kissed her. "I want my one true love back." I said, almost pleading. "May I ask you on a date?" I asked. "Together to the movies. Or the theatre. Even if it's just a walk together. Or to the fair." She laughed through her tears. Her eyes sparkling lightly.

  "Look," I said. She looked around her. "What?" she asked. "There you were again for a moment. May I ask her out? What does this beauty want to do with me?" Again she laughed with that sparkle in her eyes. There was still hope. The Sophia I fell head over heels in love with was still there somewhere. I just had to bring her back again. "Out to dinner." I nodded. "Fine."

  After an hour we walked into her favourite restaurant. For the first time she had done her hair nicely again in a beautiful braided plait that fell along her right shoulder. and she had put on a dress that raised the temprature as soon as she walked out of the bedroom. It was a dark red silk dress that was held up by spaghetti straps. that was tastefully low-cut the skirt fell slightly puffed flatteringly along her body. Yes. this was my wife.

  We ordered our favourite foods. Which we, as we always used to do, again pinched from each other's plates because her favourite food was also very tasty. We bickered playfully over the last bite on my plate. Which, as I always did, I gave to her.

  Her eyes sparkled in the lamplight. This was my Sophia. I took her hand. "You know I've had more fun this evening than in the last year and a half." I kissed her hand. "I don't blame you. It's been hard. And it will surely be in waves again." I sighed for a moment. "But let's agree that when it gets hard we just go out again." She laughed again. "Yes, that's a good idea."

  She kissed me. Halfway through the kiss I heard someone clear their throat. The waiter stood next to us. "Everything to your liking?" he asked. "Can I do anything else for you?" I nodded. "The bill," I said, blushing because we had been caught. The man nodded. "I want to end our date well. And man, that dress," I said, fanning myself to cool down.

  I knew I wasn't taking away her deep-rooted depression with this. But for one evening she was my Sophia again. For a day and maybe this night I didn't have to be afraid to find her dead because life had become too much for her.

  When we got home we had a drink and danced to cheesy old music. Then we lost ourselves in each other and were simply in love again for a while. When I took her in my arms this time to go to sleep it was for a moment like it was before we had plunged into the misery. And I could finally sleep well again for a night.